Blowing Things Out (And Up) Of Proportion

, , , , , | CA, USA | Right | September 13, 2012

(When I was in 7th grade, I volunteered at a local library. My main job was to gather books for pull lists. One day when I’m checking in some books and filling out sending forms, a man and his daughter walk up to my computer. Note: the scanner I am using beeps every time I scan a book.)

Daughter: “Why is it making that beeping sound, Daddy?”

Father: “I don’t know. Maybe she’s checking them in.”

Daughter: “Really?”

Father: “No. I think she’s going to steal them.”

(I look up, confused, and I’m about to interject when the father walks over to the head librarian’s door.)

Me: “Um, sir?”

Father: “Quiet, thief!” *knocks on the librarian’s door*

Head Librarian: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Father: “That girl over there, who is clearly not authorized to run those machines, was stealing your books!”

Me: “I was checking them out to put them into the send boxes.”

Father: “No! I clearly saw you stuff books into your pockets!”

Coworker: “Sir, she doesn’t have any pockets.”

Father: “I meant down her shirt!”

(Note: I am wearing a tight fitting shirt. If so much as a piece of paper had been under my shirt, it would have been very visible. Needless to say, there are clearly no books under my shirt.)

Father: “Fine! If you don’t believe me, I’m calling the cops!”

Head Librarian: “Sir, she was not stealing books! Please do not call the police!”

(The father ignores the head librarian and proceeds to dial the police anyway. The operator on the other end of the phone is speaking loud enough for us to hear.)

Father: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a girl stealing books at the [Library].”

Operator: “Sir, are you a member of the library staff?”

Father: “No, but I saw it happen!”

Operator: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but—”

Father: “…and she planted a bomb!”

Me: “What?!”

Operator: *sighs audibly* “Right. We’ll send a bomb squad…”

(Five minutes later, there is indeed a bomb squad outside the library doors. They end up having to clear out the library, search me, and go through the entire library with bomb-dogs.)

Daughter: *to her father* “How come you said she planted a bomb? She didn’t!”

(When the police heard that, they arrested the father. I got a week off.)

1 Thumbs
4,802
VOTES

March Monthly Roundup: Booze, Beaus, Bongs, Bigots, & Bindings

, , , , , | Not Always Right | Right | March 25, 2012

In addition to our weekly roundups, each month we’ll be sharing our most popular reader-voted stories.

March Monthly Roundup: This month, we share five stories that show that customers can be bad, but at least they’re not boring!

  1. She Fought The Law, And The Law Won, Part 2:
    Think you’re going to buy booze for your underaged, 16-year-old daughter? Not on this liquor store employee’s watch!
  2. When Press Comes To Shove:
    A blustery customer counts on berating an employee to get his way; what he didn’t count on: the employee’s 6’5″, 250-lb. fiance waiting in the back.
  3. The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny:
    Misogynists really should go jump off a cliff, but this sexist customer probably couldn’t make it to the top anyway.
  4. Weeding Out The Dumb Ones, Part 2:
    Either this guy’s in the wrong shop, or those are the LARGEST. BONGS. EVER.
  5. So Good She Doesn’t Need A Weapon:
    A little girl learns that although diamonds are forever, mommy’s handcuffs are for her eyes only.

Hell In A Handbag

, , | Right | August 27, 2009

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful. She’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am. I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

1 Thumbs
16,114
VOTES

I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

, , , | | Right | September 17, 2008

(The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night, the kid’s mother found me.)

Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl [My Name] that was working last night!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I was here for that.”

Mom: “The police told me a girl named [My Name] told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “For what?”

Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

Mom: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “Sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

Me: “You might be a while, ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

1 Thumbs
8,308
VOTES

While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks

, , , | Right | June 21, 2008

(My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks. We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.)

Customer: “What?! I can’t write a check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.”

Customer: “But I was going to write a check…”

Me: “We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.”

Customer: “I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!”

(And THAT is why we no longer take checks!)

1 Thumbs
5,234
VOTES
Page 58/58First...5455565758