Their Intent To Apply

, , , , , | Working | September 27, 2017

(A job seeker comes in looking nice, wearing a crisp suit and tie, and seeming to have everything together. In my opinion, this is a perfect choice for the job he is applying for in minor management. Halfway through his application:)

Applicant: “I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Applicant: “It says here, ‘Have you ever been convicted of a crime?’”

(Now, I’ve heard this before, and I expect the usual explanations of speeding tickets, or some other minor crime that we really don’t care about.)

Me: “Yeah?”

Applicant: “What about if you’ve been charged with one?”

Me: “Uh… depends, I suppose. What charge, might I ask?”

Applicant: “Trafficking, and possession with intent.”

Me: “I… I’d just list that.”

(Needless to say, we didn’t hire him. Apparently, he was out on bond and had just left court when he decided to apply.)

Arresting Developments

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2017

(While still living at home as a young adult, I decide to take up jogging. On my third morning, jogging along a quiet country road, I am hit from behind by a car going at least 40 miles per hour. I have injuries, but thankfully nothing debilitating or catastrophic. It is a hit-and-run; the driver drives off and out of sight just as I am pulling myself out of the ditch. As I limp home in the same direction, I manage to flag down a car going the other way. They have seen the car that hit me, and they actually know the driver, a local high school student. I get home, get cleaned up, and call the police. An officer arrives and takes the report, as well as the name of the alleged driver. Once the officer has all he needs, he heads for the door, and my grandmother, who is visiting, stops him.)

Grandma: “Officer, if you do find that young man, I ask that you really explain to him that you cannot just leave people lying on the side of the road like that! Thank goodness, my grandson will be okay, but he could have seriously been hurt.”

Officer: “Ma’am, if I find this young man, I’m going to arrest him.”

Grandma: *shocked* “Oh!”

Don’t Say The Line If You Can’t Do The Time

, , , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2017

Me: *answering a call from an unfamiliar number* “Hello?”

Caller: *adolescent male voice* “…I’m gonna cut off your balls and shove them down your throat.” *click*

Me: “Hmm. Okay.” *calls the police, provides the number, fills out a report*

(Several days go by:)

Friend: “I heard that you called the police on my little brother?”

Me: “Oh! Is THAT who that was? Are you aware of what he said?”

Friend: “He admitted it wasn’t good, but he didn’t say what. You scared the living crap out of him; he thought he was going to jail.”

Me: “Good.”

Take The Money And Run

, , , | Right | September 15, 2017

(Overnight, the shop is closed, and you can fill up by paying card or cash at the automatic pump. An angry customer comes into the gas station.)

Cashier: “Good morning, sir.”

Customer: “You f****** thieves! Last night I was here and that g**-d*** machine stole my 20 euros!”

Cashier: “Do you have the receipt from the pump?”

Customer: “No, I was in a hurry; I couldn’t wait for the f****** receipt!”

Cashier: “Let me get the manager.”

Manager: “Good morning, sir. The cashier explained to me that you paid 20 euros without filling up and that you have no receipt. Normally, it would be a problem, but I can check on the system if there is a difference between the amount paid and the gas sold, and very likely I’ll find the amount you paid. Unfortunately, I have to wait until this evening, so if you could wait until tomorrow, I’ll have your money ready first thing in the morning.”


Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but—”


(Once the police came, it turned out that the angry customer was a foreigner with an expired visa, so he was promptly handcuffed and placed in the back of the police cruiser. The kicker? That same evening, the 20 euros he claimed he paid without filling up turned out… if only he was a little patient, he could have walked off with his money.)

Wanted An Extra-Happy Meal

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work the front counter on one of the tills, with my boss fixing the ice cream machine standing a foot behind me, when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheeseburger and fries.”

Me: “That will be [price].”

(The customer hands over the money and then says in the same volume and tone of voice used to order:)

Customer: “Want to buy some drugs?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The customer then found a seat in the middle of the lobby… and spread out his wares in little pill bottles. Everyone in the store was staring at this guy, as my manager, also plainly visible to everyone in the store, was on the phone with the cops and could not stop snickering under her breath. The rest of the staff and customers waiting in line now proceeded to find comfortable spots to watch as this oblivious idiot got arrested.)

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