My father works as a notary and has had a lot of clients who were naïve or ignorant or clearly overestimated their own intelligence, but there’s one tale that stuck with me.

There was a woman trying to sell a house to a small family. The woman had already acted pretty badly by trying to negotiate a price split with the family in order to pay for my father’s services, which is poor form, but things came to a head when she presented the contract for revision to my father. It did not mention at any point that the house she was selling was a mortgage’s collateral, something that by law has to be mentioned. Thinking it was a mistake, my father looked at the woman.

Father: “Mrs. [Woman], I regrettably have to inform you that the current contract does not specify that the real estate piece you are trying to sell is currently mortgaged.”

Client: “Yes, I am aware. I would like to present this to Mr. and Mrs. [Family] regardless.”

Father: “I am sorry, but by law, you are required to signal in the contract any defects, either hidden or plainly visible, as well as mortgages or liens involved that the house may have.”

Client: *Whispering and scooting her chair closer* “I know. But would this sir be willing to let it slide for 500€?”

My father burst into laughter, only to get stone-faced-serious as soon as he noticed that the woman both had a 500€ note in her hand and was looking at him with bemusement.

Father: “Absolutely not. I am not going to throw away years of sacrifices and a job like this for 500€. Get out of this studio, now.”

The woman did so, storming out in silence.

For anyone unaware, 500€ is equivalent to half the price of a fairly good house-selling deed writing, and notaries do that kind of thing essentially every day. On top of that, to become a notary, you have to go through a very difficult law exam that takes years to study for, and you can be permanently removed from the position for infractions that would otherwise be minor.

Even though it wasn’t a requirement, my dad wasted no time in warning the family that the house was mortgaged and that the seller was being dishonest. He didn’t hear from either party after, but I like to imagine that woman is to this day still unsuccessfully trying to bribe notaries to look away for what they make in barely an afternoon’s work.

I would like to share with you the story of the absolute dumbest would-be thief I have ever met.

I work in one of those booths in the middle of a mall. I was approached by a person who was definitely a few fries short of a combo meal, as you will soon read. He poked around, chose two items, put them on the counter, and asked about discounts.

Me: “I’m not the owner, but I can do some negotiation.”

Man: “Well, if you’re not the owner, can you look the other way so I can pocket these?”

It was everything I could do to not open a can of whoop-a** on him right then and there. The pure, unmitigated gall! 

I wanted to say, “Are you stupid?!”

I actually said:

Me: “Sure, but you have to leave your ID and I have to call the cops.” 

He left very quickly after that. I have no idea if this was a dumb TikTok trend at the time or what, but I have never had someone (before or since) blatantly ask me to look the other way so they could steal.

I work for a major home goods company delivering and installing complex devices such as stoves and washing machines.

One time, we went to a house to set up a new stove. The homeowner was in the living room watching TV. He had a pistol on the nightstand next to his chair.

After my partner and I finished setting up the stove, as we were leaving, the homeowner pointed the gun at us and demanded we empty our wallets. We did.

We got back into the van and reported to our manager what had happened. We were told to wait outside the home. After a bit of a wait, the police showed up. We got our money back. The homeowner claimed it was “just a prank”.

When the police asked if we wanted to press charges, we said yes.

My boyfriend had a little accident at work today and needed some stitches. While we were waiting in the emergency room, a car stopped right at the entrance. We assumed they had someone disabled in the car and just wanted to load them out real quick and then find parking. 

It turned out to be a woman alone. She got out and walked inside.

A nurse filling out paperwork with us shouted at her:

Nurse: “You cannot park there! That is for ambulances bringing in emergencies!”

Woman: “I will just be a minute. I just have a few questions.”

While she said that, she kept walking.

Nurse: “Be that as it may, this is for ambulances only. Seriously, you need to move your car away!”

The woman just waved her hands like swatting away an annoying fly and started to walk faster,

Then, the nurse suddenly talked in a very hushed voice so that only we could hear her but the woman could not.

Nurse: “We have our own tow car that can be here in two or three minutes. Move away now, or your car is gone by the time you return.”

If a car is blocking an emergency entrance or exit this can cost lives, so they are not messing around, even when most of the time they only tow people parking in the disabled spaces for no reason.

Then, she winked at us.

Nurse: “You both heard me warning her, right?”

Me: “Yes, loud and clear; you warned her that she would get towed.”

The nurse called security on her radio, and within two minutes, they were there hooking the woman’s car up.

We were still waiting when I suddenly heard a screech.

Woman: “YOU B****! WHERE IS MY CAR?! I HAVE PLACES TO BE!”

Nurse: “Security is on their way; they will explain to you where it is.”

Woman: “They’d better bring my car, or I will call the police for theft!”

The nurse looked up and could see that security was already almost behind the woman.

Nurse: “I was calling after you telling you that you cannot park there. This is for emergency vehicles. But you ignored me even when I shouted after you that you will be towed and that this will be an expensive mistake.”

The woman lost it and tried lunging at the nurse, but the nurse just stepped back and security grabbed her, so she hit the security guard instead. They tackled her and called the police.

To make a long story short, the police came, and we told them the nurse shouted after the woman that this was for emergency vehicles only and that she would be towed several times, but the woman did not listen.

The woman got arrested for assault and a whole bunch of other stuff. The nurse later brought us to the examining room and told us the assault was probably her biggest mistake. She only wanted to teach the woman a lesson by making her pay for the towing, but since they had to call the cops, she will also get a ticket for blocking the entrance to an emergency room, and the fine for that is a lot higher than just the towing. Plus all the charges.

My boyfriend got his stitches and is just fine now.

CONTENT WARNING: Illegal Sexual Misconduct

The owner of the coffee cart outside our office building used to always have someone helping him out. It was always beautiful young women — a new one every month or so. We never figured out why he needed an extra pair of hands at such a small cart, or why they wouldn’t last, but he was always very pleasant, and the coffee was great so it never really bothered us.

A couple of years later, I got relocated to the main office. After trying out the coffee at the cafe at the new location, I was pleasantly surprised that it was exactly the same blend and made exactly the same way as at the coffee cart I was used to. I commented to the owner about it.

Owner: “Sure. That’s because I own that cart, too.”

Me: “Wait, what? I thought the barista there was the owner?”

Owner: “No, he just works for us there. He’s really good — very reliable. He just runs it on his own; he never asks for any help.”

Me: “Oh. What about the girls?”

Owner: “What girls?”

I explained about the young women working with the barista. The owner got very quiet for a moment.

Owner: “Thanks for telling me.”

And that’s how I inadvertently helped bust a human trafficking ring. It turned out the barista used his position as a manager to organise work visas for women who were then “sold” into a different kind of work.

The barista got twelve years in prison. The cafe owner sold up and retired. The cafe is under new management but the coffee is still really good.