The Bible Contains A Multitude Of Sins

, , , | Right | March 8, 2018

(I work the front desk at a hotel, and we just had a wedding party depart. Shortly after they leave, one of the housekeepers brings down a Bible and says it was left in one of the rooms. They’re smiling from ear to ear as they tell me to open it. Inside, I find a secret compartment filled with a collapsible shot glass, a knife, a holster for the knife, brass knuckles, and keys to lock the Bible. It is all very illegal, but when I tell my managers they say I should try and return it to the woman, since she happens to be the bride.)

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name] calling from [Hotel]. It seems as if you’ve left an item behind that we would like to ship to you.”

Bride: “What item? I don’t remember leaving anything.”

Me: “You’ve left your Bible.”

Bride: “I don’t own a Bible.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but it was found in your room and has your name inside it.”

Bride: “Well, could you describe it to me?”

Me: “Um… Well… It’s a black Bible, and when you open it there’s a secret compartment. It has some… interesting items inside.”

Bride: “Oh. Oh! That was a wedding present! I can’t believe I forgot about it! Would you be able to ship it to me?”

Me: “I do apologize, but due to the nature of the item, we would be unable to ship it. Would you have a way of picking it up?”

Bride: “I live two hours away! There’s no way I’m coming back for that thing!”

Me: “Do you have someone else to pick it up? If not, I will have to turn it over to the police to discard it safely.”

Bride: “No, no! Don’t do that! I’ll send someone.”

(About twenty minutes later a man in dirty, baggy clothes, with unkempt hair comes into the hotel. He has a very grizzled expression on his face.)

Man: “You got my Bible?”

Me: “Let me just call to ask if—”

Coworker: “It’s right here! Have a good day!”

(The man grunted and walked out. My coworker said she just wanted it out of our hotel. We never got a call back from the bride, so I guess it all turned out okay. Hopefully.)

Not Thinking Outside The Display Box

, , , | Right | March 2, 2018

(I work in a large retail chain and part of my job is theft prevention. A customer approaches me with a trolley containing one of our most expensive MixMasters and a pillow.)

Customer: “I have just realized that I left my wallet in the car; would you mind leaving this pillow behind registers for me while I go and get it?”

(I notice that the MixMaster has one of our store’s security stickers on it with the store name clearly printed on it.)

Me: “Not a problem. I will just need to see a receipt for that MixMaster before you leave the store.”

(The customer hands me a receipt — from a different chain of stores — that has no product name on it whatsoever, only a price at the bottom which doesn’t not match the price of the product.)

Me: “Sorry, but this receipt isn’t for this product. It is also from a different store, whereas the product you have in your trolley is from our store.”

(At this point, I am well aware that the customer is attempting to steal the MixMaster. The customer knows this and begins to get very defensive.)

Customer: “No! I brought this from [Other Store], and you can’t prove I didn’t. I have given you the receipt for it, so it is mine!”

Me: “As I said before, the receipt doesn’t match the product, and this product is from [Our Store], as you can see from this sticker here. If you can’t prove that you have paid for it here, I have to take it from you.”

(This goes on for a while longer, and the customer becomes more and more difficult to deal with. It is at this point that I realize the box the customer has in her trolley is, in fact, a display box, meaning it contains nothing at all.)

Me: “Fine. Have it your way. You can keep the MixMaster if you want; however, it won’t do you much good, since what you have in your trolley is actually a display box.”

(I picked the box up to confirm it was, in fact, empty, and the customer seized it from my hands. I watched her face drop as she realized that the box contained nothing at all. She then proceeded to slam the box onto the ground and run out the front door without another word.)

Time For You To Go-gurt

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(I work at a large retail and grocery store. One day, our entire refrigeration unit breaks down completely and the whole store’s stock of refrigerated and frozen items has to be thrown away. I’m outside all day — a very warm day at that — by a dumpster with several coworkers and a manager, processing and disposing of the spoiled items. Later that night, it’s just myself and the manager left, when a car pulls up to the dumpster. One of the coworkers that had been with us earlier gets out of the car and hops in the dumpster.)

Coworker: “I think I dropped my keys in in here earlier.”

(My manager and I watch the coworker as he piles several large containers of yogurt on the side of the dumpster. Another person jumps out of the car and grabs the yogurt.)

Manager #1: “[Coworker], what are you doing?”

Coworker: “My keys are in there; don’t worry about it.”

([Coworker] gets in the truck and drives off as [Manager #1] and I stare at each other in disbelief.)

Manager #1: *over the radio* “Uh… Hey, [Manager #2], can you come outside to the disposal area, please?”

([Manager #2] arrives and we explain the situation to her.)

Manager #2: “Wait, he was stealing yogurt that had certainly gone bad and you didn’t stop him?”

Manager #1: “We’re not asset protection. Policy doesn’t allow us to intervene, only observe and report; you know this.”

Manager #2: *sigh* “Yes, you’re right. Let me go get [Coworker]’s number and I’ll call him.

(Later, [Manager #2] tells me the phone conversation went as follows.)

Manager #2: “So, my associates are telling me that you took yogurt out of the dumpster earlier tonight. Is that true?”

Coworker: “Well, yeah, you had already thrown it out, anyway. My dad wanted some, and I figured it was okay.”

Manager #2: “What the heck are you thinking?! First off, throw that yogurt out. It sat outside all day on a warm day; there’s no way it’s anywhere close to edible. You’re going to make your father very sick!”

Coworker: “Oh… Really?”

Manager #2: “Yes, really! Secondly, until the product has been removed from the property by the proper disposal services, it’s still technically theft. By policy, I have no choice but to treat it as such.”

Coworker: “Um… Do I still have a job?”

Manager #2: “Probably not. Honestly, I don’t even know if I can even let you back in the building at this point.”

Coworker: “Aw, man.”

(Unsurprisingly, [Coworker] was fired the next day upon showing up for his shift. The story quickly spread around the store, and a few of us joked for a while about hoping to find car keys hidden away in cups of yogurt.)

An Expensive Round Of Ice Creams

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2018

(A woman comes in with three little boys and one older girl. They get four ice creams, all in our special flavor, and a few water bottles, and they stay around eating for a while so I remember them pretty well. A few hours later, one of the little boys comes back in.)

Boy: “Hi, can I have a receipt from when we were here before?”

Me: “The register will only let me print a receipt from the most recent transaction, so do you mind if I write it by hand?”

Boy: “That’s fine.”

Me: “You had four kiddies and two waters, right?”

Boy: “Yes.”

(I give him the receipt and he leaves. About five minutes later, the one older girl comes in.)

Girl: “I’m sorry, but I need the receipt to say what time we came in.”

Me: “The register won’t let me print your receipt anymore; you were in here hours ago.”

Girl: “Well, can you guess what time we were here and write it down?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I have no idea when you were here.”

Girl: “Well, we locked our dog in the car, and he died, and now the police are after us, so we have to prove we weren’t in the ice cream store for too long.”

Me: “Yeah, I can’t help you.”

She’s Got A Ticket To Bribe

, , , , , | Working | February 27, 2018

(I work as a delivery driver, so I sometimes stop in awkward places, such as permit-only bays. One day I have to stop in such a place. I make my delivery as quick as possible, but when I come out I see a traffic warden eyeing up my van, about to give me a ticket.)

Me: “Hey, sorry. I was just delivering a parcel. I’m just leaving.”

Traffic Warden: “I’ve started doing the ticket now, mate. Sorry.”

(I look at my watch and it’s nearly lunchtime.)

Me: “It’s nearly midday. If I give you a chocolate bar and a can of soda, could you possibly turn a blind eye to this?”

Traffic Warden: *thinks for a moment* “Okay, just this once.”

(He walked off with the food and I got in my van, happy I got away without a parking ticket. But as I drove off, I realised I gave him my own lunch!)

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