Can’t Even Blame This One On Pregnancy Brain

, , , , , , | Healthy Legal Right | January 18, 2019

(My coworker is examining pee samples for a patient. They need to pass the drug test to be able to drive a vehicle for work.)

Coworker: “[My Name], come look at this.”

(He hands me the pee sample and the results.)

Me: “Hmm, well, it says here Mr. [Last Name] is pregnant, so unless he’s trans and it’s not on file, I’d say he cheated.”

(I’d doubted anyone would be stupid enough to have a pregnant woman cheat for them but, as it turns out, he was.)

House Keeping And House Taking

, , , | Legal | January 12, 2019

(As huge fans of baseball, my girlfriend and I have a tradition of taking a one week trip to go see a few games that aren’t in Boston, as well as take in the local sights. Naturally, this means we get a hotel room. During one of our trips, we go to an aquarium for on the third day of our trip and come back to find a few things off base in our room. After confirming we’ve found every anomaly, I choose to march down to the front desk and speak to the clerk directly, my phone in hand to record the interaction, while my girlfriend stays in the room taking care of a related matter. When I get down to the lobby and get to the front:)

Me: *holds up phone* “I’d like to record this interaction. Do you mind?”

Clerk: “Go right ahead.”

Me: “Perfect. Now then, I’m staying in room [number]; under [My Name]. When we returned to our room today, we noticed our hand soap was missing. By itself, not a problem. However, the housekeeping also took the bar that was placed in the room yesterday, and didn’t add a new one.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry. We ca—“

Me: “I’m not done yet. We also had replacement shampoo, conditioner, and shower soap from yesterday that we hadn’t touched and leftovers from when we checked in. All of those are now missing, too.”

Clerk: “Sir, I am—“

Me: “Still not finished. We also had, both on check-in and after service yesterday, three towels, a bath mat, and two rolls of toilet paper. We now have one normal towel, one ratty towel — which I’m pretty sure hasn’t been washed — sitting in place of the bath mat, and no toilet paper.”

Clerk: “Well… I don’t know what to say about that.”

Me: “For starters, you can replace all of the amenities housekeeping decided we didn’t need. One towel, one bath mat, two rolls of toilet paper, soap, shampoo, and conditioner.”

Clerk: “Done.” *begins typing on the computer*

Me: “You can also give me the name of the person who serviced my room, so I know who to complain about when I call corporate.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry, Mr. [My Name], we can’t give you that. We can assure you that disciplinary actions will be taken and that this employee will not be in your room again, but for the safety of our staff we can’t divulge full names, addresses, or personal information to anyone but the police.”

Me: “Fair enough; I half-expected as much. However, you should look up that information now.” *holds up my hand to silence him* “Your policy says the police can be informed — your words. Well, the final complaint is that I kept my suitcase in the closet. And in the suitcase, I had this.” *puts a pill bottle and an envelope on the counter* “Can you read what’s on the bottle’s label?”

Clerk: “Oxycodone.”

Me: “Correct. This bottle had five pills left in it when I left this morning. You’ll notice it’s now empty. Want to guess where they went?”

Clerk: “…”

Me: “I’ll save you some trouble with the envelope. It’s a thank-you from [Baseball Team]’s ticket office for my purchase of four tickets to two games. However, there are no tickets inside. Those, too, are missing. While I’ve been down here chatting with you, my girlfriend has been on the phone with the police to report this. So, I suggest you save yourself some time and pull up your employee’s name, so you have it ready when they arrive.”

(Two officers arrived moments later. The thieving housekeeper had already clocked out for the day, so we settled on taking statements and letting them examine the room. They had intended to arrest her after she clocked in for her next shift, but apparently, someone working in the hotel was so furious with her she was reported to ICE so they got her first. I never got my painkillers back. However, my stay was complimentary, and the clerk I spoke to called the ballpark and replaced my tickets — and yes, I confirmed they were different seats.)

This Level Of Penny-Pinching Is Not Legal

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 11, 2019

(I work as a grocery delivery driver for a well-known UK supermarket. Once a year we cancel all the deliveries in the afternoon and have a training session. These sessions involve senior managers; they are also a chance for staff to relate issues they have. I’ve recently begun to get a little tired of management constantly ignoring complaints regarding the work we do.)

Me: “I mentioned this a year ago, but the vehicles we have are a complete joke; they break down frequently, are filthy inside, and are dented to hell. Most of them would probably not qualify as road legal. What are you going to do about it?”

Manager: *has repeated this to me several times now* “It’s up to you to ensure the vans remain workable; this means taking responsibility for clearing up and reporting defects and never taking out vans that are not road legal.”

Me: “Okay. So, to be 100% clear, if I get a van that is not road legal, I can refuse to drive it?”

Manager: “Well, of course. You are responsible for ensuring the vehicles are road legal.”

(Over the following two weeks I refused to take out five vans due to defects which were not road legal, and defected around eight more for various faults. This lead to several van trips being cancelled. A few weeks later the manager was back in the store. He was annoyed that we had had a sudden surge in cancellations and a bill for van damage that stretched into five figures. Turns out when the manager had said that I was supposed to take responsibility, he’d meant that I should just shut up and drive the garbage. Our store was put under review, and two months later our whole fleet was swapped out for brand-new vans. Sadly, the people I work with are morons, and in the space of a month all the vans had damage all over them.)

You Can Stand Under My Umbrella… But That’s It

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2019

(I work at a mattress store. It’s not uncommon to deal with a rude or deceitful customer from time to time, but we pride ourselves on customer service and being as nice as possible. We even go as far as walking customers out with umbrellas when the weather is bad. This story just so happens to pertain to the two umbrellas that sit next to my door. It is a sunny, very pleasant Tuesday afternoon.)

Customer: *sees umbrellas sitting in the barrel next to the door* “How much are the umbrellas?”

Me: “Oh, those are for the store, unfortunately. Sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, thank you for your time.”

Me: “No problem. Have a good one.”

(The customer heads for the door and waits for me to turn around, and then tries to take an umbrella without making noise. I turn around after hearing a noise.)


Customer: “I mean, it’s not like you need them; it’s not raining!”

Me: “Drop the umbrella and get out. Now.”

Hopefully, He Gets Out Within A Dog’s Age

, , , , , | Legal | January 9, 2019

(I work in a jail. After some scouring, the Chaplain and I have managed to get together enough gently-used books to update the jail library, including a few movie novelizations. One of these new books, “A Dog’s Purpose,” is picked up by a hardened gang member and career criminal. Later that night, the officers are doing a check in the dorms and find the man curled up on his bunk, crying his eyes out.)

Officer #1: “Hey, you all right?”

Inmate: “I’m all right, CO. I miss my dog.”

Officer #2: “Excuse me?”

Inmate: “My dog, Taco, she’s a little mix breed. My Mama is watching her. God, I miss her.”

Officer #1: “Well, you’re going to court next week, right? Any chance you’ll get out then?”

Inmate: “Yeah, my lawyer said I might get three years probation.”

(Last I heard, the guy did get probation and managed to turn his life around. Seems like everyone who read the book made a change of heart.)

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