A Gun Law That Actually Works

, , , , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

(I am in law enforcement and I am at a job recruiting fair with a partner. We are strictly hiring for law enforcement officers, and we tell people this.)

Man: “So, can I still be hired if I have a felony on my record?”

Partner: “No.”

Man: “Why not?”

Partner: “Let me put it to you this way; as a convicted felon, can you buy a firearm?”

Man: “Well… No.”

Partner: “So, then, why would we give you one?”

Pranks For The Laughs

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 24, 2017

(Most of my friends and I have picked three to four A-level subjects which are heavily coursework-based, meaning we have to do work in our spare time. Towards the end of the academic year, some person at the college keeps setting off the fire alarm. Initially it’s a bit funny, but it ends up that we can’t go a week without at least two alarms being set off. It is now the day of the final deadline for both my English and media journalism coursework, so I am with several classmates in a computer room, working away on our final pieces. The fire alarm goes off, and we pause. One plucky volunteer goes out into the hallway and investigates. He come back and sits back at his computer, resuming his work. Prank fire alarm. Again. We go back to work. A teacher comes past and quite literally double-takes.)

Teacher: “The fire alarm, guys? Get up and go!”

Classmate: “It’s a prank, though.”

Teacher: “It might not be.”

Me: “Willing to bet on that?”

Teacher: “Okay, it likely is a prank. But you still need to follow policy and leave, in case there is a fire.”

Class Friend: “We have coursework due today, though.”

Teacher: “You could burn to death.”

Plucky Volunteer: *dramatically* “We may burn, our skin peel off and bones crumble, BUT OUR COURSE WORK WILL BE COMPLETE!” *thumps desk*

Rest Of The Room: “Aye!” *also thumps their desks*

Teacher: *laughing* “Out, now!”

(It was another prank. However, that time round my English teacher, a tall, somewhat terrifying German woman, spotted them, and it didn’t happen again.)

Will Need To Sweet-Talk Your Way Out Of This One

, , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(It is about 30 years ago, when I am starting out as a food chemist, and I have been invited to give a talk to the FDA in Washington, DC. After the talk, I am shown around one of the labs where they are doing some toxicity testing on aspartame, a synthetic sweetener about 200 times sweeter than sucrose. I have never heard of it, so I ask to take some back to my lab to analyze. They give it to me in a little unmarked plastic bag. After I land in Toronto, I have to go through Canadian customs.)

Customs: “Do you have anything to declare?”

Me: “No.”

Customs: “Any food?”

(I think for half a second, pull the unmarked bag of white, powdery aspartame out of my coat pocket, and say:)

Me: “Yes.”

(I have never seen armed men come that fast. They put me in a back room and a few minutes later a border agent comes in.)

Border Agent: “What are you doing with this much cocaine?”

Me: “What?! No, this is aspartame. It’s a sweetener.”

Border Agent: “Never heard of it. What is aspartame?”

Me: “You know, I don’t really know.”

(I open the bag and dip my finger into it and lick it.)

Me: “Good God! That’s sweet!”

(The border agent also tastes it and agrees it really is a sweetener. But before they let me go, the border agent makes a comment.)

Border Agent: “Makes sense it wasn’t cocaine; I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to pull out a bag of cocaine when asked if there was anything to declare.”

Delivering Back Some Bad News

, , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(I work in an office. I am absent-minded and forget to eat fairly often; therefore, I wind up ordering out a lot. Never had a single issue until Halloween, which I guess not only brings out crazy customers, but also crazy employees. My food is supposed to arrive at around 7:00 pm. It is late and I am getting hangry, so I contact the delivery folks just to check in. I’m trying to be patient. They contact the driver and then say she’ll be there in the next ten minutes. Cool. Then the driver arrives.)

Driver: “You know, I had until 7:39 to deliver your food.”

Me: “That’s fair; I was just going by the website, which said 7:00 to 7:10.”

Driver: “Well, my phone said 7:39.”

Me: “Awesome. All I care about is that the food is here. I’m a walking Snickers commercial, so I was getting a little crazy.”


(The driver proceeds to show the names and addresses of her six other deliveries.)

Me: “You probably shouldn’t be showing other customers’ information to me.”

Driver: “You probably shouldn’t act like you’re my only customer. I had seven deliveries to take. You needed to know I had other deliveries.”

(The driver storms off. I call up the delivery company and this conversation happens:)

Me: “So, y’all are in a call center, right?”

Call Center Rep: “Yes, sir.”

Me: “Do the words PCI Compliance mean anything?”

Call Center Rep: “Yes, why?”

Me: *relays details*

Call Center Rep: “Are you serious? That’s not okay.”

Me: “Yeah, I mean, what if I was a lunatic? She just handed me a list of victims. I mean, I know that’s outlandish to say, but—”

Call Center Rep: “—you’re worried that if she showed you their info, she’ll show yours to others.”

Me: “Precisely.”

Call Center Rep: “Don’t worry; we’ll sort that. That’s absolutely not something we do. We could be fined or sued for that. I’m going to refund your order and we’ll sort her out.”

(So in closing, if she blew up because I just wanted to make sure she was on her way, I’d hate to find out how she’s going to react to violating PCI Compliance.)

This House Was Built On Plywood And Fraud

, , , , | Right | November 23, 2017

(I am a manager of a moderate-sized building supply store. We sell everything you need to build a house from the ground up. While the company is fairly sizable and modern, we still write up all our invoices by hand, with no computer system in place.)

Employee: “Um, [My Name], can you please help this gentleman?”

Me: *coming over to assist* “Not a problem. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Can I buy two culverts and have you write up the invoice for plywood instead?”

Me: *a little confused* “Sorry? You want me to sell you some culvert and some plywood?”

Customer: “No, I want to buy some culvert, but I don’t want the invoice to say, ‘culvert.’ If you could write up an invoice for an amount of plywood that equals the value of two culverts, then I will take the culvert and not take any plywood.”

Me: *thinking that he is joking* “I’m sorry. We can’t do something like that.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because it is fraudulent and unethical.”

Customer: “Yes, you can do it. Can’t you?”

Me: “No, sir, I am not able to do this.”

Customer: “But why not?”

Me: “Because, if it were found out, or if we were audited, we could be charged and face jail time. So, again, I’m sorry, but I am not going to do this.”

(A couple of moments of awkward silence pass.)

Customer: “Okay, I guess I will have to bite the bullet and get them, anyway. I am trying to write the culverts off, but I guess I’m not going to be able to.”

(I finish the sale, flabbergasted at the gall this customer had to ask me to commit fraud and break the law. This incident was immediately followed by a quick information session to the staff about why it is bad and to never, ever, do anything of the sort.)

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