Four-Way Stop And Think About What You Just Said

, , , , | Friendly | August 23, 2017

(My dad and I are driving home and come to a four-way stop sign. Anyone who has been on the road before should understand this is a great place to find these kinds of stories. Two people pull up just before we do. We wait our turn and everyone seems to understand how this works… until just as our turn comes, when a woman comes barreling down, rocketing through the stop sign without even slowing down. As she passes us, she sticks her head out of the window and screams:)

Woman: “BACK THE F*** UP! THERE’S A LINE!”

(My dad barely had his front tires over the line. This woman ran a stop sign. Clearly, my dad’s crime was much worse.)

Brass Knuckles May Be Fake But Those Brass Balls Are Real

, , , | Friendly | August 22, 2017

(My friends and I are on our way back from a night out. There’s three of us, and we’ve all had a few drinks, although we’re not drunk. However, a random guy decides it’s the perfect opportunity to mug us, right as I’m changing from heels into my normal shoes, so he probably only notices my friend’s boyfriend. Please note that the man has a pocket knife.)

Man: “Money and phone, a**h***.”

(I straighten up, look the guy dead in the eye and push my handbag into my friend’s arms. Among my friends I’m quite famous for having a death glare, but apparently I have cranked it up to new heights.)

Me: “You’d better leave right now or I’ll make sure you’ll get acquainted to your own a**h***. Spines are surprisingly flexible when you break them several times.”

(While saying that, in the most icy and calm voice I have ever achieved, I nonchalantly put on some fake, but real-looking brass knuckles that are still in my coat from a play I took part in. For about three seconds, the dude and I just stare at each other, then I shrug, smile, and take a step forward to raise my fist. And he RUNS faster than I’ve ever seen anyone run. My friends just stare at me for a moment.)

Friend: “S***. I knew you were psycho, but not that psycho.”

Boyfriend: “How the f*** did you think it was a good idea to attack a dude with a knife with only brass knuckles?! Do you know martial arts or something?”

Me: “Nope. And those are fake.”

(A few minutes later, I started shaking and the shock kicked in, and I’m pretty sure I actually got hysterical. But my friends still talk about how cool it was when I made a mugger dash. And I actually took up Jiu Jitsu after that. I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing stupid s*** like that to everyone. Had he been a little more courageous, he probably would have stabbed me.)

Don’t Give Them Credit (Cards) For Trying

, , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(I’m at an online gaming company, getting trained for call-ins from customers. This is my first call, so my trainer’s looped in and can take over at any moment, and my entire class is listening in. No pressure, right?)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need help recovering some account information so I can play.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What’s your name, sir?”

Caller: *long pause* “My name is…”

(The customer proceeds to badly mispronounce an extremely common Asian name — think someone trying to pronounce the “h” in Thomas.)

Me: “Thank you, and for your secret question, [question]?”

(I begin typing up a report of the likely sale or compromise of the account as my trainer mutes his line and covers his mouth to keep from laughing.)

Caller: *correct answer, again mispronounced*

Me: “Thank you very much!” *look to the trainer, who’s biting his hand but nods as I lock the account for investigation* “What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Well, I’m on vacation in California–” *caller is calling from LA on an account registered to Boston* “–and I left my credit card at home, so my account’s expired. Is there any way you could tell me the credit card number on the account?”

Me: *quickly muting the call as several of my fellow employees are now laughing* “I’m so sorry to hear, but if you like we can associate your account with another card that you do have.”

Caller: “No, I left my wallet at home and don’t have any of my cards. I need that card so I can play again.”

Me: “Is there nobody you know who can go to your home and retrieve it? Having a vacation without any funds can’t be easy.”

Caller: “No, I want that card’s number. Give it to me.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we only have the last four digits visible. The rest is encrypted.”

Caller: “What? This is horrible service! I demand you tell me my full card!”

Me: *muting again as several coworkers are leaving the room; they know where this is going* “Sir, I’m afraid that the encryption is for your security. This protects against potential credit fraud.”

Caller: “I don’t care! I’m the customer. I called customer service! Service me!”

Me: “If you can visit one of several common stores in the area, they can sell you a time card, but I’m unable to share any credit card information on the account with you except for the last four digits and the expiration date; anything else is encrypted, and our company would be in breach of several consumer safety laws if it weren’t.”

Caller: “Fine! I’ll tell all my friends about how awful you’ve been. You’ve just lost over a hundred customers!”

Me: “I understand. I do hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation, Mr.—“ *copies caller’s pronunciation of customer’s name* “Have a good day.” *disconnect the call*

Trainer: “I don’t know whether to write you up or commend you for that.”

They’re Gunning For You

, , , , | Learning | August 15, 2017

(This story was told to my class a few years ago by our teacher, about something that happened to him in his old school. There was a kid in his class that always wanted to pick a fight and was always angry.)

Angry Kid: *to another student* “You wanna f****** fight?! Let’s go!” *tries to get in the guy’s face*

Student: *backs away from the kid*

Teacher: *gets in-between them and tells the angry kid to stop*

Angry Kid: “Shut the f*** up!” *grabs a squirt bottle of water and tries to hit my teacher*

Teacher: *grabs his arm and twists it behind the angry kids back and shoves him against the whiteboard*

(The kid was sent to the office and the next day my teacher is walking through the halls before school.)

Passing Student: “See you, Mr. [Teacher]!”

Passing Student #2: “Good luck, Mr. [Teacher]!”

Passing Student #3: *looks at him with concern*

Teacher: *thinking, what the h*** is going on?!*

(My teacher found out that on the way to school that day, the angry kid had apparently told another kid that he was going to shoot Mr. [Teacher] and he had hid different parts of a gun around the school. After that incident my teacher had to go sit in a meeting with the angry kid that had been planning on shooting him, along with the kid’s parents. Certainly one of the more interesting stories.)

Answering The Call Of Duty

, , , , , | Right | August 10, 2017

(I’m working the graveyard shift at our dispatch center, answering 911 calls from the public. Usually this is the time when we receive our most interesting callers.)

Caller: “I’d like to speak the head honcho, you know? Who is ever in charge of the… uh… department or police or whatever?”

Me: *thinking he wants to speak to a supervisor to make a complaint* “What is this in regards to?”

Caller: “About a job. How to get one with the police.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I’m asking about how to get a job there.”

Me: “You’re asking about getting a job… on an emergency line?”

Caller: “Yes, I think I’m really good at what I’m doing now. I could help out, work as… uh… what’s it called… for an undercover cop. That’s what I mean. I could work as an undercover cop. How can I get a job doing that?”

(Just to make sure he’s not doing anything that could endanger himself or the public, I decide to continue and ask questions.)

Me: “And what is it that you’re exactly doing right now?”

Caller: “I’ve been noticing a lot of crime and drug sales in the area. At my home and at [Major Intersection on East side of town.] I play a lot of Call of Duty and I know what I’m doing. I’m just watching all the activity around me. I think I could be a real help. I just have this one little thing in court that I need to take care of, but other than that, I don’t have anything else. I’m clean.”

(At this point, I’m too flabbergasted to be my usual stern self when someone abuses the 911 system. I remain patiently polite, already imagining telling this story later.)

Me: “Okay… well… you will need to go to the town’s website and look for any job openings for the police department. I think they’re hiring officers now, so go take a look. Just don’t call 911 asking for a job here. And if you do see anything drug deals or anything like that going on, don’t confront the people, just give us a call and let us know.”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, of course. I won’t confront them. I’m just watching. So, just go to the town’s website?”

Me: “Yes. You can fill out an application there.”

Caller: “Thank you so much! I really think I could be a big help.” *click*

Dispatcher: *next to me* “Did someone really just call 911 for a job? Were they serious?”

Me: “I… don’t… know.”

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