Caught Red (Or White) Handed

, , , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(A customer starts walking out of the store with a bottle of wine clearly sticking out of his sweater. My coworker moves in front of him to block his path.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, sir.”

Customer: “What?”

Coworker: “What do you have under your shirt, there?”

Customer: *pause* “My skin.”

Coworker: “Come on, bro.”

Plan Ruined By A Single Response

, , , , , | Romantic | December 4, 2017

(I am a teller at a bank. An elderly man comes up to my window.)

Elderly Man: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Elderly Man: “Are you married?”

(Older customers tend to be chatty, so I’m used to this line of questions.)

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Elderly Man: “Are you single?”

Me: *getting slightly weirded out by the way he’s looking at me* “Yes.”

Elderly Man: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

(At this point, I’m just ready for him to go, and I’ve finished his transaction.)

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Elderly Man: “Oh, too bad. I was going to kidnap you.” *calmly walks away*

(Apparently having a boyfriend means I can’t be kidnapped!)

Renting That Basement In Two

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(A former friend and roommate of mine has weird logic. She lies about events that took place, and completely alters what actually happened. This is what happens one of the last times I speak with her. We aren’t living with each other anymore when this takes place:)

Friend: *beaming with excitement* “[Boyfriend] and I are going to be living with each other this year.”

Me: “Awesome! Makes sense, since he practically moved in with us last year when you started dating.”

Friend: “Yeah, and we found a place super close to where you live. We’re going to be almost neighbours.”

Me: “Awesome! Where?”

Friend: “This fixer upper on [Street]. The rent in that area can go up to $500 a month, but we only have to pay $300 a month since they are undergoing renovations.”

Me: “That’s a bargain! Do you two have the place to yourself?”

Friend: “No, we will have to share it with three other roommates. However, we have the basement area, so we kind of have our own place.”

(This is when I start to get somewhat suspicious, because the houses on the street she listed usually only house up to four people. I’ve lived in that area, and landlords are very strict about that.)

Me: “So, there are going to be five of you under one roof?”

Friend: “Yup. It might be a bit cramped, but we all work and have school, so I don’t think it’ll be too big a deal.”

Me: “That’s cool that you found a place that was willing to have more than four people. I guess they want all the money they can get for the renovation, and $600 is better than none.”

Friend: “Oh, no; it’s $300.”

Me: “Oh, I meant your rent combined with [Boyfriend]’s.”

Friend: “Oh, no. We’re only paying $300 for both of us.”

Me: “Woah, really? How did you manage that?”

Friend: “Well… Here is the thing. Technically, the landlords only know that I’m living there. I went through everything to secure the room, so the lease is in my name only. [Boyfriend] and I are going to split the rent they gave to me, and he and I get to live somewhere at an amazing discount.”

(She says this whole story with such glee, as if it is the best plan ever. I can only look at her in shock.)

Me: “Um, do your other roommates know about it?”

Friend: “No, I haven’t met them yet. Why?”

Me: “How do you know they will be okay with that?”

Friend: “Oh, we’re not going to tell them. [Boyfriend] works and goes to school. So, when he’s gone they’ll think he’s at his place and won’t know any better. They’ll just think he sleeps over a lot.”

Me: “Not to be a Pessimistic Penny, but are you sure it’ll work out so well? I mean, you could get evicted.”

Friend: “Oh, it’ll be fine; don’t worry. People do it all the time here and never get in trouble. As long as we lay low and follow the other rules, like no smoking and no pets, the landlords will have no reason to suspect us.”

(I wanted to prod more, but just eventually gave up and tried to hope for the best for them. A month and a half after they moved in, my friend called me and told me to come over because she had a surprise. What was the surprise? The new puppy they bought. Unsurprisingly, they ended up moving out half way through the year, claiming that the landlord lied about the extent of the renovation and that the house was impossible to live in. Pretty sure they were kicked out.)

Don’t Have High Hopes For A Police State

, , , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I moved to the area about six months ago from a different state and, unfortunately, my tags expired in month four. When I research the cost of registering my car in my new state, it comes to $1,500. I don’t have the money presently, so I am planning on waiting until April to register my car with my tax return money. Unfortunately, I get pulled over in March.)

Police: “I am bound by law to inform you that, for your safety, we are being audibly and visually recorded.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Police: “Did you know your tags are expired?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Police: “Why haven’t you registered your car in [State] yet?”

Me: “I am planning on registering it when my tax return comes in. At the moment, I don’t have the $1,500 that it costs to register a vehicle in [State].”

Police: “I understand. So, why didn’t you just renew it in [State I moved from]?”

Me: “Well, I don’t have an address there, so, unfortunately, I can’t.”

(She walks away and writes me a ticket. When she comes back…)

Police: “Here is your ticket. I should have your car towed, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you’ll get your car registered soon. Next time, just renew your tags in [State I moved from].”

(For those of you not in the USA, renewing your registration in a state where you do not reside is considered fraud.)

Shipping Not In Ship Shape

, , , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

(Christmas is coming, so we are shipping a lot of items. A customer has placed an order over the phone and I ship him his packages. Two days later, he calls asking where his order is. I check the tracking, which shows the package as delivered and says that it was left on his porch that morning. The customer says this is not the case, nor is this the first time his packages have gone missing with this shipping company. I file for a refund and insurance with the shipping company and send a replacement. The next day, I get an unexpected call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer]. I was hoping you could clear some things up. We have been finding a number of packages left at a vacant house located at [Address] Road. We are investigating this activity, but I found a package recently shipped by your company to a [Customer]. I was wondering if this was a legitimate purchase?”

Me: “Yes, I shipped a package to [Customer], but the address was [Address] Street, not Road.”

Cop: “Well, you have the address correct on the package. Can you contact the customer and verify the address is [Address] Street? I can take it around to him and see if he can clear some things up.”

(I do, and the customer later calls me to say the police officer brought his package to him and asked him to open it to verify the contents. He then left a statement about other packages that had gone missing recently. A day later I get another call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer] again. We found another box from your company sent to [Customer] but delivered to the abandoned house.”

Me: “That must be the replacement package I shipped to [Customer] before you called me.”

Cop: “Do you need this to get to [Customer] or does it need to be sent back to you?”

Me: “Well, it’s a low value order, it’s been taken out of inventory, and [Customer] already has his package, so it doesn’t matter too much.”

Cop: “Would you mind if we left it here? We want to see if someone comes to pick up the package.”

Me: “No problem.”

(The next day he calls back.)

Cop: “I’d like to thank you for your cooperation, and I was wondering if we could get a statement from you? The shipping company had a seasonal driver who was leaving packages at similarly named street addresses that were empty houses. His brother would go around and pick them up that night.”

Me: “Wow! No problem. What do you think the chances of the shipping company refunding me the $25 are?”

Cop: “Considering I talked to the driver’s boss, and he claimed he knew this was an issue for months, it was an honest mistake, and that the driver was just reading the labels incorrectly in the same manner?”

Me: “Not worth the red tape. Gotcha.”

(I sent copies of what the police sent me to corporate, who decided to start using a different shipping company.)

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