I was working in a computer shop, when after a busy morning, we discovered one of our display machines missing. Tracing through the morning’s sales we narrowed down the culprits to two men who’d come in together – one had occupied the salesperson with questions, while the other searched the store for something valuable and portable, before carrying it off.

They were very smooth, but they made two main mistakes. The first: our store dealt in used equipment, so they thought the perfect way to case the joint would be to come in a day early with an old motherboard. We still had this in our back room -– along with a detailed form containing the name, address, phone number, and other identifying information about one of them. City regulations treated this aspect of our business as if we were a pawn shop; he’d had to show picture ID to get us to look at the potential sale.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, his partner had been screwing around with the display computers while they were in the store, and managed to take several pictures of himself with the webcam on it, saving them to the desktop.

When the police arrived that afternoon we were able to give them everything they needed, gift-wrapped.

Later on, we found that the culprits denied ever having been in our store… Then, when confronted with proof, they tried to claim individual innocence, blaming each other for the crime.

I don’t think we ever got our stolen property back, but the police were apparently able to charge them based on the provable falsehoods of their stories.

(I work as a lifeguard on a beach resort. The beach is privately owned, but there is no admission; the resort makes money off of vendors. No outside alcohol is allowed in the area, and any alcohol must be drunk in the bar. Absolutely no alcohol is allowed on the beach itself, but people try to sneak stuff in all the time. They think they are being sneaky by putting it in strange bottles, but it’s pretty obvious to us when you start drinking out of your sunscreen. I see one woman pouring something out of her sunscreen into a cup. I approach her and realize she reeks of alcohol.)

Me: “Ma’am, you need to leave. We don’t allow alcohol on the beach.”

Drunk Woman: “What? What alcohol?”

Me: “In your sunscreen.”

Drunk Woman: “That’s sunscreen!”

(She picks it up and waves it in my face.)

Me: “Please show me.”

Drunk Woman: “I don’t have to show you anything. You work for me; I pay your salary!”

Me: “This is a free park. You haven’t paid anything.”

Drunk Woman: “I pay my taxes, and you work for the park!”

Me: “My salary is paid by the vendors, who ban outside alcohol. I need that bottle.”

(The drunk woman throws her bottle into the water.)

Drunk Woman: “F*** you! I don’t have any alcohol anymore; you can’t do anything!”

(I page security, and go after the flask, so a kid doesn’t get to it. Suddenly, she runs past me and frantically begins splashing around, screaming:)

Drunk Woman: “You can’t prove anything without the bottle!”

(Security attempted to stop her, but it’s hard to restrain someone in the water. She kept wriggling out of their grip, and managed to lose her swimsuit along the way. Eventually I found the bottle and held it up, and she came after me. I ran for the lifeguard tower with the drunk woman and security following. I climbed up the tower and watched as security chased her on the beach until they tackled her and hauled her away. Later, I heard the police charged her with public drunkenness and assault.)

(I am a travelling manager for a clothing store chain. I fill in after managers have been transferred to other stores. I cover the next three to six months while a new manager is sourced to the store before moving on to another one myself. One of the key parts of my job is turning the stores around. Nine times out of ten, the previous manager is being relocated for not following policy. This means I often have to start enforcing rules that might have previously been ignored. I’m working at one store which has had its entire management staff fired. Two church ladies walk in together.)

Customer #1: “Can I return an item from layaway? I’ve decided that I can’t really afford it.”

(The item is a dress she wanted to wear for Easter church services, and while it’s very nice, she’s found something cheaper. I agree to this, pull up her ticket, and start working through the return.)

Customer #1: “How long have you been here? Are you the new manager?”

(I explain the issue, dodging around why the previous management team were fired, and hand her back her money. [Customer #2] steps up at this point.)

Customer #2: “I also want to return my dress on layaway.”

(The process begins again. This time, however, I see that there’s going to be a snag. The company has a policy where you can place something on layaway for up to 60 days. During the first 30 days, any item on layaway can be returned for the full price you paid. From 31 days forward, you pay a restocking fee. On the 61st day, regardless of how much you have paid, the items will be restocked and your money — minus the fee — set aside. Problem one: [Customer #2] is thirty-five days in, four days past the cut-off for a full return. Problem two: [Customer #2] only put the minimum down, which, with tax, works out to about five dollars and some change. Problem three: The minimum restocking fee is five dollars. I realize this, and try to explain to the woman.)

Me: “Uh, there are some problems, just so you know. There will be a restocking fee.”

Customer #2: “Oh, that’s quite all right. I know, I read that little card of yours.”

Me: “You’re sure? I mean, it’d probably be better to pay it off and return it then.”

Customer #2: “Sweetie, I’m a lawyer; I read all the fine print.”

Me: “Well, if you’re sure.”

(I do the return, with the system forcing me to do the restocking fee automatically. It then tells me to give her all of seventy cents in change back. I hand her a card that she must sign to acknowledge that I’ve done the return. She signs it with a flourish and then holds out her hand. I drop the coins into it.)

Customer #2: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s your return.”

Customer #2: “It’s not enough.”

Me: “It’s what you get back, after the restocking fee.”

Customer #2: *changing her tune 180-degrees* “No one told me about a restocking fee!”

Me: “You signed the paper, right under the bold black letters that warn it. You also signed the layaway ticket saying you’d read and understood the policies.”

Customer #2: “No one reads those things! I want my money!” *her voice rising at this point* “Give me my g**d*** money!”

Me: “I can’t. You signed the paper, and you said you were a lawyer and understood there would be a fee.”

Customer #2: “F*** your restocking fee! I thought it’d only be a few cents.”

Me: “The contract you signed notes the minimum fee is five dollars.”

Customer #2: *screaming and yelling* “I’m calling the police! You’re cheating me, you thief!”

(She whips out her phone and calls 911, claiming she’s just been robbed. It doesn’t take long for two police cars to pull up and the officers to head in. They try to sort out what’s going on, at first thinking I am a witness, until the woman screams that I robbed her. I calmly explain the contract to the officer, and show where she signed off on it. The police tell her that she signed the paper saying she understood and accepted the fee, so no crime was committed. What’s more, they tell her that it isn’t something to waste their time with a false 911 call for, so she is going to be getting a ticket for that. All the while, the lady is screaming at the police, and then at me.)

Customer #2: “You smug little a**, standing there with a smile on your face. You’re happy for yourself, aren’t you?”

Me: “I’ve had better days.”

Customer #2: “Always with the smart comments. Got anything else to say?”

Me: “Have you considered Jesus Christ as your own personal Savior?”

Customer #2: “F*** Christ!”

(With that, she stormed out, while the officers stood around dumbfounded. I never saw her in the store again, though the pastor stopped by about a week later to apologize for the actions of one of his flock.)

(I work in a benefits office. There are two customers behind the one I am helping.)

Customer #2: *to Customer #3* “Did I tell you I got a new job?”

Customer #3: “Aren’t you here for unemployment benefits?”

Customer #2: “Yeah!”

([Customer #1] looks at me in horror as [Customer #2] continues to boast about his job. I smile at her.)

Me: “Don’t worry; it will be taken care of. Next?”

Customer #2: “I want my unemployment benefits.”

Me: “No, sir. I just heard you talking quite loudly about your new job, as did a room full of witnesses. We also have security cameras. Are you going to leave or am I going to call the police?”

Customer #2: “Listen here, you little b****. You’re just a useless woman who doesn’t understand business. Give me my benefits or I’ll smash your head in.”

(He is clearly drunk. My manager steps in at this stage, a bulk of muscle.)

Manager: “I’m very sorry, sir. If you’d like to step into this side room for me? We can sort out your benefits. Do you have your forms?”

(He winks at me as they leave. I continue to help customers until two police officers step through the door. They head into the staff room to review security footage and then enter the side room, leaving with the man in handcuffs, who is screaming.)

Policeman #1: “…benefit fraud, aggravated assault, and disturbing the peace.”

(The man sees me and the manager, who comes to stand beside me.)

Manager: “You are no longer welcome on these premises. Next time you assault my fiancée or any of my staff you’ll be in hospital before the police get here.”

Me: “By the way, I’m a newly-graduated business major working here before I start my new job. Have fun in custody!”

(We heard later that he was to face a judge soon, and never heard anything else, but we never saw him again. I started my new job a month later, and am a lot happier. My fiancé and I are married now, and he told the story at our wedding!)

(I get off of shift and am waiting for my ride by the general merchandise entrance when I see someone bolting out of the store with an employee and a security guard chasing him. Since this particular store opened, they have had a lot of trouble with theft; thus, the guard. A couple of minutes later, the employee returns to a gathering group of other workers drawn by the commotion.)

Employee #1: *after catching his breath* “You know that fence we have?”

(He’s referring to a seven- or eight-foot fence that separates the parking lot from semi-active train tracks.)

Employee #2: “S***! Did the guy jump the fence?”

Employee #1: “Nope! He suddenly doubled back and tried to climb the garden center fence! [Guard] got him on the ground. Anyone call the cops yet?”

Employee #3: “But we have a ceiling on the garden center; what did he hope to accomplish?”

Employee #1: “H*** if I know.”

(When my ride came, I saw the police car pull into the parking lot, and the guard still holding the would-be thief along with a case of broken beer bottles next to the twenty-foot-high garden center fence.)