Making A Bold Statement

, , , , | Friendly | November 12, 2017

(I’m in the local pub late at night, just having a quiet night. A guy comes running in and comes up to another guy at the bar, asking for a cigarette.)

Guy At The Bar: “Yeah, whatever. Why are you running about, anyway?”

Guy Who Ran In: “I just robbed [Supermarket]!”

Guy At The Bar: “Yeah, yeah, and I’m the queen. Do you have a lighter?”

(They both go out, as it’s illegal to smoke inside. There’s a bit of commotion when the guy from the bar comes in looking annoyed. He picks up his stuff.)

Guy At The Bar: “He did just f****** rob [Supermarket], didn’t he? I’ve got to give a f****** statement now.”

Barman: “Have a nice night, Your Majesty.”

They Were Gunning For An “A”

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(The UK has very strict gun laws. One day, there are police everywhere and helicopters in the sky. Social media informs me that two people were spotted with guns. The next Monday when I’m in my films and media class…)

Teacher: “Before we start, I just want to thank you guys for being so eager to do your coursework. Next time, though, please alert both the college and the police if you’re going to be filming with realistic replica firearms.”

(He looked pointedly at two of my classmates. I think we know who caused the stir.)

Cannot Perceive The Depth Of Their Stupidity

, , , , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I work in a small store with a pharmacy in the back. As a veteran employee, my store manager occasionally leaves me in charge while she runs short errands. It’s just before lunch time, and the store is dead, so my manager leaves to get decorating supplies for the summer season. A little while later, a woman comes limping in with a companion, and comes straight up to the front desk where I am. Note that our store is in an area with a BIG shoplifting problem, where other stores have had to shut down just from the theft alone.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to return these.”

(She pulls two identical pairs of brand-new over-the-counter reading glasses out of her purse, which retail at $25 each, our most expensive variety.)

Me: “All right, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: *glares at me*No! I bought these just last month! When I put them on I started seeing double and fell down the stairs! I have been in the hospital for three weeks with a broken foot! The doctor told me the glasses made me develop a condition called ‘Depth Perception!’ I could have died! You should be ashamed of yourself for selling faulty glasses like that!”

(She begins leaning on her companion for physical support and moaning in pain.)

Me: *struggling to not make a face at the customer’s “diagnosis”* “I see, ma’am. Let me get a scanner and look at your purchase.”

(I bring over an internal scanning unit and check the UPC number on the glasses. Not only have we not sold any for the last six weeks, but we don’t carry this particular type of glasses. However, the store down the road does. I excuse myself, saying I need to verify the current price of the glasses for the customer, and walk back to the pharmacy so I’m out of earshot. I call [Neighbor Store], which is two miles away, and they confirm they are missing several pairs of these glasses. Since my manager is out of the store, I make a judgement call and return to the front. All of this has taken five minutes. When I get back, the customer has dragged a chair over from our photo department and sat down at my register.)

Customer: “Well, finally! We’ve been waiting forever!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. Unfortunately, it looks like we don’t carry this item. You will have to return them to the store you purchased them from.”

Customer: “I got them at [Neighbor Store]. Your company policy says I can return them anywhere!”

(The customer moans in pain, rubbing her upper calf. I notice this is the opposite foot from the one she indicated when she came in the store.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s true for the items carried by all our stores. For items carried by select stores, those items must be returned to a store that carries the merchandise, so they can either resell the items or receive credit from the vendor. If I accept this refund, we can neither sell the item, nor return it for credit, as it’s not recognized by our system.”

Customer: “I can’t go all the way down there! I have a broken foot! I can’t even drive right now! My neighbor brought me here and we don’t have the gas to get to the other store!”

(As she says this, she’s groaning in “distress.”)

Me: “I really am sorry, ma’am. Even if I could return these glasses, without a receipt, I would have to give you store credit, and I don’t have access to the cards to do that at the moment.”

Customer: *suddenly livid, no longer faking an injury* “WHERE’S YOUR MANAGER?! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “She stepped out of the store for a few minutes, but she should be back shortly. Would you like to wait outside for her? You can leave the glasses here, if you like; that way, if she can override the refund, we can do it without you even getting out of the car again.”

(At this point, I’m just stalling for time. I know there’s no way in heck my manager is refunding these. The customer obviously thinks she’s going to win the argument when the manager returns.)

Customer:Fine! I’ll leave them here. Make sure no one takes them. I’m already going to sue you guys for my hospital bills.”

(She hobbles out of the store in a very exaggerated fashion, leaning on her neighbor. I move the glasses behind the counter where the customer will not be able to reach them. About ten minutes later, my manager comes back. The customer ambushes my manager while she’s still on the sidewalk.)

Customer:You! You need to fire that worthless cashier! She won’t refund my glasses!”

(She gives her entire explanation again, including the doctor diagnosing her with “Depth Perception.”)

Manager: “Did you forget that I filed a criminal trespass against you for shoplifting? You aren’t allowed to be anywhere on the property, including the parking lot. Go away, or I’m having you arrested.”

Customer: “BUT SHE STILL HAS MY GLASSES! GIVE THEM BACK TO ME OR I’LL SUE YOU INTO THE POOR HOUSE!”

Manager: “You mean the glasses that [Neighbor Store] has you on camera shoving in your purse before walking out the front door? No. We’ll be keeping those as evidence. I look forward to seeing you at the trial.”

(The customer keeps trying to argue, so my manager takes out her cell phone and dials the police, showing the customer the screen. The customer then takes off RUNNING and gets into her car, speeding out of the parking lot. The manager comes back into the store.)

Me: “How did you know she stole them? I just had a suspicion. I was waiting for you to come back and shut her down.”

Manager: “She came in last week, and the week before, with the exact same story. It was literally word for word what she just told me now. Plus, she’s been going around to three of our stores in a ten-mile area and doing the same thing.”

Me: “You know, if she’d bothered to look up an actual medical condition, I might have believed her. I mean, almost everyone has depth perception. It’s why we have two eyeballs!”

Manager: “Well, you can’t accuse her of a lack of creativity. Most people just claim the stolen goods were something their ‘grandma bought and no longer needs.'”

(This was over three years ago, and we still laugh about it. The customer was later arrested and found guilty of felony theft. Apparently, she didn’t learn her lesson and kept at it until someone caught her again.)

Puns Are Bounty-ful

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 9, 2017

(I’m at my friend’s parents’ house, as she is visiting for the week. She lives in London and has been telling me about the crime down her street — often teens smashing up cars, mugging people, and stealing phones. We talk about other things for a bit.)

Me: “When are you going back tomorrow?”

Friend: “Early afternoon. I do not want to be walking down my street in the dark. It’s stupid; I’ll walk from [Parents’ house] to [Other Friend’s house an hour away] in the dark, I’ll walk from Kings Cross to Farringdon in the dark, but I am not stepping down my street in the dark.”

Me: “Well, you know what lurks down your street.” *pause, then in mock disdain* “Yooouuuuths.”

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “Yes, yooouuuuths.” *going back to a normal tone* “That stab people and are actually hard. Not like Norfolk ‘youths’ who just think they’re hard.”

Me: *putting on a higher voice and doing an impression of a typical Norfolk accent* “‘Look at me, lads; I’m so ‘ard. I jus’ stole this Bounty from [Super Cheap Store]!'”

(My friend laughs, and then imitates putting something on her head. I’m nonplussed.)

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “‘Now I’ve got a Bounty on my head!'”

Seems To Think Fifty No’s Means A Yes

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 9, 2017

(My sister’s a very sweet girl who naturally smiles as she talks, and so she tends to make friends easily, but it also causes the following to occur during her second year of college. My sister enters a classroom and sits down at one of the nearest empty seats to the door.)

Guy: “Hi, I’m [Guy].”

Sister: “Nice to meet you. I’m [Sister]. It’s really nice to meet you.”

(The class then starts and she doesn’t interact with the guy for the rest of the class. When class is over, and my sister starts to get up to leave, the guy grabs her arm.)

Guy: “Hey, are you free now? Let’s go for lunch.”

Sister: *tries to tug her arm away* “Sorry. I have another class to go to, and I’m not really interested. Sorry.”

Guy: *angrily gets in her face, still holding her arm* “Come on! You came and sat down with me, so clearly, you’re interested in me! You can’t lead a guy on like that, you slut!”

Sister: *practically rips her arm out of his grip* “I only sat next to you because it was the closest seat to the door that was free! And I literally only said hi to you and introduced myself, so I didn’t exactly lead you on. Don’t touch me ever again.” *proceeds to run out of the classroom*

(Unfortunately, he continued to have an interest in my sister. He went so far as to follow her to her next class and attempt to enter the classroom after her, and then sat outside her classroom after she convinced her professor to kick him out. When she saw him outside the room, she grabbed the nearest guy’s arm and asked him to pretend they were dating. The only bright sides from this were that he was eventually kicked out of the university for doing this with other female students, and that my sister and the guy she pretended to date became good friends after that incident.)

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