Shoplifting Your Spirits

, , , , , | Legal Right | January 3, 2019

(We have had a shoplifter who stole hundreds of dollars worth of items, so the manager is checking the CCTV footage and calls me in.)

Manager: “[My Name], I’ve just seen you talking to the woman who stole that stuff on the footage.”

Me: “Really?”

(I check the footage and laugh.)

Manager: “What are you laughing about? It’s no laughing matter; she stole from us.”

Me: “True. I’m laughing because it’s obvious she is trying to keep her face away from the camera, and also about what she is asking me right at that moment.”

(The footage shows the woman leaving and then coming back in a few minutes later.)

Manager: “What did she ask you?”

Me: “If she’s allowed to park her car right in front of the store.”

Manager: *now laughing, too* “Are you kidding me?”

(We got great footage of her and her children putting the stolen items into her car — and a clear shot of her number plate — on our outside camera. The police are very confident that she will be convicted and serve prison time because she’s out on bail for doing the same thing elsewhere.)

There Is No Clean Getaway

, , , | Legal | December 31, 2018

(At the pool, there’s a new cleaner. We see him hanging around our locker and my suspicious mother decides to change our locker code when he leaves. When we go out, we hear a couple of swimmers complaining at the window.)

Swimmer #1: “Our clothes have been stolen!”

Swimmer #2: “We think he’s one of your cleaners.” *provides physical description* “He was looking at the lockers strangely.”

Ticket Seller: “All right! I’ll get him for you.”

(She comes back with the cleaner in question.)

Ticket Seller: “You’re suspected of stealing from some lockers.”

(The cleaner sees us and thinks we were the ones complaining about him.)

Cleaner: “I didn’t steal anything from you! You had changed your code, anyway!”

Swimmer #2: “Uh, we were complaining.”

Mother: “But how do you know we changed the code?”

He Didn’t Try Very Hard(ware)

, , , , | Legal Right | December 27, 2018

(It’s the holidays, and the store is packed with Christmas shoppers. One guy, in particular, grabs a bunch of purses and clothes and then runs out of the store, setting off the alarms. Company policy prevents any of us from chasing, so the managers call the police. They come out and get a report, as well as camera footage and descriptions. A couple hours later…)

Manager: “So, that guy who robbed us? The police found him.”

Coworker: “Already? I figured it was a lost cause.”

Manager: “I did, too, but I guess he didn’t get far.” *trying really hard not to laugh*

Coworker: “What happened?”

Manager: *laughing* “They found him in [Hardware Store]’s parking lot! He was sorting through the merchandise.”

Coworker: “You mean [Hardware Store] five shops down from us?”

Manager: “Yes!”

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 14

, , , , | Healthy | December 18, 2018

(We had a summer camp cook that was a legitimate threat to our health and safety. Counselors came early to camp to help prepare for the coming kids, and the cook was responsible for feeding us. Just two of her sins were: 1) Food was chilled several degrees above the temperatures required for food safety. 2) She saw nothing wrong with storing raw, dripping meat above uncovered lettuce because the lettuce was going to be rinsed off, anyway. Counselors complained multiple times, but the higher-ups refused to fire her because she had faked her training in food preparation and continued to insist that she knew better, and the counselors didn’t know what they were talking about. Then, there was an incident that couldn’t be ignored. Two counselors were hospitalized with life-threatening conditions. Why?)

Cook: “There’s no such thing as allergies! It’s all in their minds! They’ve been allowed to be picky all their lives, instead of being forced to eat their ‘allergens’–” *actually makes air quotes with her fingers* “–until their body is forced to stop reacting to it and then you can eat it like everyone else! That’s how you get over allergies!”

(Fortunately, the police were very interested to hear that she had been made fully aware of the allergies of everyone at camp, and even MORE interested to hear that she had deliberately slipped the allergens to the unsuspecting counselors. The cook was arrested. As for the rest of us? We have been keeping documentation of the times the higher-ups failed to take action against our many complaints. We have a sizeable file to give to the lawyers of the two counselors who were hospitalized.)

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11

I Smell A Rat…

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2018

(I am approached by a shifty-looking, female customer. She slinks up to me and gets in close so she can speak in a low voice.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man! The rat poison you have on sale there — is it harmful to people?”

Me: “Yes, madam, I’m almost certain it will be harmful to most living creatures. You need to keep it out of reach of children and pets.”

Customer: “So, if I gave some to a person, would it kill them?”

Me: “Well, yes, I suppose it would.”

Customer: “Definitely?”

Me: “I can’t say for sure, madam, but I’m 99% certain that it would kill a person if they took enough of it.”

Customer: “Do you know how much you would need to kill a person?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I really can’t say, madam; it depends on the person.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thanks!” *nods conspiratorially and walks off*

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