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Another Darwin Awards Candidate

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2009

(I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.)

Customer: “HOLY S***! What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in your hand.”

(At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So, you wanted that fixed, right?”

Customer: “It’s… no big deal. Can you fix it anyway?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

(After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pays up*

Me: “Just one thing, though.”

Customer: “Ah, yeah?”

Me: “What’s with the mask?”

Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” *giggles and walks out*

(I never worked the night shift again.)

Many Hats, But An Empty Head

, , , , , | Right | April 16, 2009

(We were having a sale on used DVDs. The price reductions were delayed in the computer system download, so we had to re-price every item manually. A customer came up with several used movies for purchase.)

Me: “All right, sir, your total is $249.75.”

Customer: “What? Did you miss some? I added it up, it should be more.”

Me: *after checking* “No, sir. We’re in the middle of doing our price changes, so all the movies you have that are marked $12.99 each are actually marked down to $9.99 each.”

Customer: “What? That’s illegal. The price sticker has to have the correct price on it.”

Me: “Sir, as I said, we’re in the process of re-stickering all of the DVDs. The 25 movies you’re buying are actually cheaper than you thought they would be.”

Customer: “But they’re priced wrong. That’s illegal.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we are doing nothing illegal, and if you’d like–”

Customer: “It is illegal! I’M A LAWYER!”

Me: “Okay… I can adjust the price so that the movies are all $12.99 instead of $9.99 if you’re really angry about saving $75.00. Is that what you want me to do?”

Customer: “Well, no.”

Me: “What would you like me to do then?”

Customer: “I think I should get some free movies.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any free movies.”

Customer: “I’m a lawyer. It’s illegal. You need to give me five free movies or I’m calling the authorities.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you anything for free. As it is, you thought the price of these DVDs was much more than it turned out to be, so you’re already getting a deal…”

Customer: “I don’t care. This is horrible service! This is no way to run a business. If I ran my restaurant this way, I’d be out of business!”

Me: “So, are you a lawyer or a restauranteur?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Would you like to pay for the movies, or would you like me to cancel the sale?”

Customer: *hands over credit card*

You Can’t Always Love What You Do

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2009

(While closing up shop alone one night, two gentlemen walked in and the following conversation took place.)

Customer #1: “So, uh… how much experience do you need to groom dogs?”

Me: “Well, none to start out. They start you as a bather, and then after about three months they send you through an academy to learn how to groom dogs.”

Customer #1: “You gotta go to school for this?”

Me: “Yes, it’s actually not as easy as it looks.”

Customer #1: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “Well, that’s hard to say. We work on commission, so… it just depends on how many dogs you can do in a week.”

Customer #2: “You think if you’ve got a cruelty to animals charge, they’ll let you work here?”

Me: “…no.”

Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme

, , , | Right | April 2, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

Ah, College, Part 2

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2009

(I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

College Student: “Yeah…”

(He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

College Student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

College Student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”