(It’s the holidays, and the store is packed with Christmas shoppers. One guy, in particular, grabs a bunch of purses and clothes and then runs out of the store, setting off the alarms. Company policy prevents any of us from chasing, so the managers call the police. They come out and get a report, as well as camera footage and descriptions. A couple hours later…)

Manager: “So, that guy who robbed us? The police found him.”

Coworker: “Already? I figured it was a lost cause.”

Manager: “I did, too, but I guess he didn’t get far.” *trying really hard not to laugh*

Coworker: “What happened?”

Manager: *laughing* “They found him in [Hardware Store]’s parking lot! He was sorting through the merchandise.”

Coworker: “You mean [Hardware Store] five shops down from us?”

Manager: “Yes!”

(I have just clocked on for my closing shift. As my shift-lead-in-training and the manager teaching him are working on cleaning behind some of our food units, I am helping them. At the same time, this means I do not notice the woman who has just entered the building. However, my shift-lead-in-training does and alerts to me it.)

Shift Lead: “Hey [My Name], there is a woman at the register.”

Me: *quickly notes the woman in question, who is now walking away with an empty soda cup* “Ma’am?”

(She moves over to the soda machine, fills up her cup, and then takes her time with the lid. All of this is very normal, so I am content to wait at the register for her to come back over, as is custom. In the time I help two more people out, I watch her as she paces about slightly, adjusts her jeans, and never once looked back behind her. Normally, I would be watching someone by this point, anyway, as we tend to get a lot of odd ones, given we’re in the middle of downtown Seattle. Suddenly this woman starts to make her way towards the door.)

Me: *louder* “Ma’am! I can ring that up for you.”

Woman: *stops, turns slowly and looks at me*

Me: *smiles*

Woman: “Why are you trying to STOP ME?” *raising her voice and taking large steps closer to me with every word* “I am POOR. It’s almost Christmas. LET. ME. HAVE. THIS.”

(My shop is normally very giving; we understand people have hard times. But all we ask is that people are honest and upfront with us about it; that way we can work something out with them. But this woman does none of that; she outright attempts to steal from us.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Woman: *narrows her eyes at me and glares*

Me: “Ma’am, I am only doing my job, and I have to ring you up for that soda. I don’t have the power to just let you walk out of here with that cup.”

(She keeps glaring at me. Knowing she won’t listen to me, I know there is only one option left, since I’m “low” on the chain of command.)

Me: “Let me see what my manager says.”

(I turn and walk a few steps back and explain to my shift lead that she just tried to walk out of here without paying. Having heard and seen the situation, he realizes it’s not worth trying to make the woman pay the $2.25 she would owe us, so I’m given the okay to let her go. The entire time, the woman has been very nasty and rude with me, I might add.)

Me: *walks back* “He said you’re good to go.” *returns to my register to help someone*

Woman: *overly cheerful voice that makes it seem like I’ve been nothing but a bully* “Oh, THANK YOU, KIND SIR! Thank you so much! Merry Christmas to you!”

(Later when I explained the entire ordeal to my general manager and then coworkers, they just sort of shook their heads and told me if she came back they would have security escort her out. Happy holidays, I guess?)

(We had a summer camp cook that was a legitimate threat to our health and safety. Counselors came early to camp to help prepare for the coming kids, and the cook was responsible for feeding us. Just two of her sins were: 1) Food was chilled several degrees above the temperatures required for food safety. 2) She saw nothing wrong with storing raw, dripping meat above uncovered lettuce because the lettuce was going to be rinsed off, anyway. Counselors complained multiple times, but the higher-ups refused to fire her because she had faked her training in food preparation and continued to insist that she knew better, and the counselors didn’t know what they were talking about. Then, there was an incident that couldn’t be ignored. Two counselors were hospitalized with life-threatening conditions. Why?)

Cook: “There’s no such thing as allergies! It’s all in their minds! They’ve been allowed to be picky all their lives, instead of being forced to eat their ‘allergens’–” *actually makes air quotes with her fingers* “–until their body is forced to stop reacting to it and then you can eat it like everyone else! That’s how you get over allergies!”

(Fortunately, the police were very interested to hear that she had been made fully aware of the allergies of everyone at camp, and even MORE interested to hear that she had deliberately slipped the allergens to the unsuspecting counselors. The cook was arrested. As for the rest of us? We have been keeping documentation of the times the higher-ups failed to take action against our many complaints. We have a sizeable file to give to the lawyers of the two counselors who were hospitalized.)

Related:
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 13
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 12
Allergic To Common Sense, Part 11

(I am approached by a shifty-looking, female customer. She slinks up to me and gets in close so she can speak in a low voice.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man! The rat poison you have on sale there — is it harmful to people?”

Me: “Yes, madam, I’m almost certain it will be harmful to most living creatures. You need to keep it out of reach of children and pets.”

Customer: “So, if I gave some to a person, would it kill them?”

Me: “Well, yes, I suppose it would.”

Customer: “Definitely?”

Me: “I can’t say for sure, madam, but I’m 99% certain that it would kill a person if they took enough of it.”

Customer: “Do you know how much you would need to kill a person?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I really can’t say, madam; it depends on the person.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thanks!” *nods conspiratorially and walks off*

(This story was told to me by a friend who has jury duty for a trial against a man facing several burglary charges. The trial and presentation of evidence go by as you’d expect from any trial. Afterward, the judge thanks everyone for attending and instructs the jury to deliberate, with any further courses of action to be discussed after that. Then the judge asks if anyone has any questions. The defendant immediately puts his hand up and asks this gem.)

Defendant: “Yeah, so, if I’m found innocent, does… does that mean I get to keep the stuff I took?”

(His lawyer put his head in his hands, as the judge and jury struggled to hold back laughter. It took less than five minutes to convict him.)

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