(I work at a mattress store. It’s not uncommon to deal with a rude or deceitful customer from time to time, but we pride ourselves on customer service and being as nice as possible. We even go as far as walking customers out with umbrellas when the weather is bad. This story just so happens to pertain to the two umbrellas that sit next to my door. It is a sunny, very pleasant Tuesday afternoon.)

Customer: *sees umbrellas sitting in the barrel next to the door* “How much are the umbrellas?”

Me: “Oh, those are for the store, unfortunately. Sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, thank you for your time.”

Me: “No problem. Have a good one.”

(The customer heads for the door and waits for me to turn around, and then tries to take an umbrella without making noise. I turn around after hearing a noise.)

Me:  “LADY, ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ SERIOUS?!”

Customer: “I mean, it’s not like you need them; it’s not raining!”

Me: “Drop the umbrella and get out. Now.”

(I work in a jail. After some scouring, the Chaplain and I have managed to get together enough gently-used books to update the jail library, including a few movie novelizations. One of these new books, “A Dog’s Purpose,” is picked up by a hardened gang member and career criminal. Later that night, the officers are doing a check in the dorms and find the man curled up on his bunk, crying his eyes out.)

Officer #1: “Hey, you all right?”

Inmate: “I’m all right, CO. I miss my dog.”

Officer #2: “Excuse me?”

Inmate: “My dog, Taco, she’s a little mix breed. My Mama is watching her. God, I miss her.”

Officer #1: “Well, you’re going to court next week, right? Any chance you’ll get out then?”

Inmate: “Yeah, my lawyer said I might get three years probation.”

(Last I heard, the guy did get probation and managed to turn his life around. Seems like everyone who read the book made a change of heart.)

(This story takes place when emissions testing is required in Ontario. A customer brings his vehicle in to be tested because the government requires it. It does not pass, and the part necessary to replace is the tube running from the spot to put gas in your vehicle and the tank. It has rotted out. I call the customer to explain the issue.)

Me: “Hello, sir. We ran the test, and it did not pass. The tube going from your gas intake to your gas tank has rotted out. It needs to be replaced. We can replace it, parts and labour, for $125 and have your vehicle ready today.”

Customer: “$125? For a tube?! Why can’t you just fudge the numbers and make it pass?”

Me: “I am unable to do that. That is illegal and we will have our license taken to do emissions testing if we do not comply.”

Customer: “Come on! Can’t you just do it this one time? I am retired and cannot afford that.”

Me: “Of course sir. In that case, I can do it this one time. Your new bill will be $50,125. We will require payment before the work is done.”

Customer: “WHAT?! Why the f*** did the price jump so much?!”

Me: “Well, you see sir, the first offense for filing an illegal test is $50,000. That will need to be paid up front by you so I can pay the fine.”

Customer: *long pause* “Okay, I’ll pay to have the part replaced.”

(Amazing how people don’t want to do illegal things when they will be the ones paying the fine, isn’t it?)

(We have had a shoplifter who stole hundreds of dollars worth of items, so the manager is checking the CCTV footage and calls me in.)

Manager: “[My Name], I’ve just seen you talking to the woman who stole that stuff on the footage.”

Me: “Really?”

(I check the footage and laugh.)

Manager: “What are you laughing about? It’s no laughing matter; she stole from us.”

Me: “True. I’m laughing because it’s obvious she is trying to keep her face away from the camera, and also about what she is asking me right at that moment.”

(The footage shows the woman leaving and then coming back in a few minutes later.)

Manager: “What did she ask you?”

Me: “If she’s allowed to park her car right in front of the store.”

Manager: *now laughing, too* “Are you kidding me?”

(We got great footage of her and her children putting the stolen items into her car — and a clear shot of her number plate — on our outside camera. The police are very confident that she will be convicted and serve prison time because she’s out on bail for doing the same thing elsewhere.)

(At the pool, there’s a new cleaner. We see him hanging around our locker and my suspicious mother decides to change our locker code when he leaves. When we go out, we hear a couple of swimmers complaining at the window.)

Swimmer #1: “Our clothes have been stolen!”

Swimmer #2: “We think he’s one of your cleaners.” *provides physical description* “He was looking at the lockers strangely.”

Ticket Seller: “All right! I’ll get him for you.”

(She comes back with the cleaner in question.)

Ticket Seller: “You’re suspected of stealing from some lockers.”

(The cleaner sees us and thinks we were the ones complaining about him.)

Cleaner: “I didn’t steal anything from you! You had changed your code, anyway!”

Swimmer #2: “Uh, we were complaining.”

Mother: “But how do you know we changed the code?”