(Back when photo IDs are easier to fake, I am a cashier at a convenience store. The age to buy cigarettes is eighteen. A young guy who looks sixteen or seventeen brings up some soft drinks and snacks to the checkout.)

Me: “Good evening. Anything else?”

Young Guy: “Oh, and a pack of [Cheap Popular Cigarettes] and a lighter.”

Me: *before I get the cigarettes* “Sure, I just need to see some ID.”

(He pulls out what looks to be a state-issued ID that almost gets me.)

Me: “Oh, wow. You have to tell me your secret.”

Young Guy: “Um… secret?”

Me: “According to this, you’ve just turned 118. I’ve got to say you look amazing. What’s your secret?”

Young Guy: *looking defeated* “Um… so, I guess no smokes, then?”

Me: “That’s right, and I’m sorry but policy is to permanently ban you.”

Young Guy: *with his head hung low* “Can I at least have the ID back?”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t do that.”

(He left the store and I passed it along to the police who regularly come in for coffee. Even they were impressed with the quality but had to laugh at the mistake.)

This story is part of the Convenience Store roundup!

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(I work in an insurance call center. As a call taker, the first thing I need to do is verify the caller is either the owner or authorized person on the policy. Whilst we do get people attempting to access information fraudulently, most of the time it’s simply an individual who can’t be bothered trying to explain to their elderly, hard-of-hearing relative or non-English-speaking relative that they need to be authorized to speak to us. We cannot outright accuse someone of acting fraudulently, especially if they correctly answer the security questions. It’s frustrating for us, so I developed a way of checking that never fails to result in them hanging up.)

Caller: *clearly very male voice, not elderly* “Yes, my name is [Female Name], [account number], [birth date that would make this person much older than they sound].”

Me: “Thank you for calling, Mrs. [Female Name]. How can I help today?”

(I note that there are no authorized persons on the policy)

Caller: “I need to change my address.”

Me: “I can certainly take care of that for you, Mrs. [Female Name]. While I am making that change for you, may I double-check that I have the correct date of birth for you?”

Caller: “Um… yes… it’s…” *pause, a rustle of paper* “[Birth date].”

Me: “Great, thank you. May I also ask a personal question?”

Caller: *tone slightly uncomfortable* “Yeah, what is it?”

Me: “Do you identify as male, female, or other, Mrs. [Female Name]? We’re able to update that for you with no paperwork. We like to ensure we are using your preferred pronouns.”

Caller: “…” *click* 

(Never failed.)

(Our hotel is known as being family-friendly and not a charge-by-the-hour type of place. That being said, a disheveled-looking man in a suit and a much younger woman in a skintight miniskirt that leaves little to the imagination walk in very late at night. Prostitution is illegal here.)

Me: “Hello. May I help you?”

Man: *sotto voce* “Yes, we’d like a room?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are sold out.”

Man: *dumbfounded look* “I see… That is very unfortunate.”

(They walk out and I think they’ve left, but the man returns a few minutes later, without the woman.)

Man: “Can I have a room? Just for me, not… her.”

Me: “Sir, I have told you that we are sold out. I was not lying. We really don’t have any rooms left.”

(The man looked very surprised, as if we’d have rooms just because he needed it. He walked away, wiping his forehead. A few hours later, I heard a short siren and saw flashing police lights; he and his lady friend were caught having sex in the bushes of the building next to us!)

(I own a small hardware store, which has been in my family for three generations. When this story takes place, I have been the sole owner of the store for about five years, having inherited it when my father retired. I also have a crazy ex-girlfriend who took out a restraining order against me, claiming that our breakup caused her emotional trauma and she didn’t want to see me again in case it caused her to suffer an emotional breakdown. Even the judge was reluctant to approve the restraining order, but she manipulated him into eventually signing off on it. Anyway… I’m working at my store one day, along with my one employee, when my ex-girlfriend walks in. All the stuff about the restraining order rushes back to my memory, and not knowing what to do, I decide to leave my employee in charge while I wait in the back office until she finishes her shopping. A few minutes later, my employee calls me to the cash register, so I go up and find a police officer at the register.)

Officer: *after verifying my identity* “Do you know an [Ex-Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Yes, I do. We dated for a while, but we broke up about a year ago.”

Officer: “Do you know that she has a restraining order against you?”

Me: “Yes.”

Officer: “We got a call from her a few minutes ago. She says she was shopping in this store, and you came in behind her. I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store; if you refuse, I’ll have to arrest you for knowingly violating a restraining order.”

Me: “Officer… I own this store. How is it a violation of her restraining order when she entered my store?”

Officer: “Oh. Um… can you prove that you own this store?”

Me: “Yes, I can. Let me go get the paperwork.” 

(I get the paperwork proving that I own the store and show it to the officer.)

Officer: “Okay. Um… Did [Ex-Girlfriend] know that you own this store?”

Me: “She did. That was one of the reasons we broke up. She wanted me to spend more time with her, but I had to keep the store running after my dad retired and passed it on to me. I tried to go to the back office to let her shop in peace, but I guess she saw me.”

Officer: “Hm. Well… okay. I guess I can’t arrest you if she entered your business. I’ll talk to her and let her know, in case she forgot this was your place, and we’ll just let it go at that.”

Me: “Thanks. And before you go… I don’t want this to happen again, so what should I do if she walks in again?”

Officer: “Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you about that one. I probably shouldn’t suggest this, but my best advice would really be to file a restraining order against her. That way, you can call us as soon as she walks through the door, and we’ll settle it.” *says goodbye and leaves*

(I fully believe my ex-girlfriend entered my store purely to try and get me in trouble. That police officer could have caused some major problems for me if he had believed her story, so I owe him a huge thank-you for handling the situation the way he did. I did take his advice and file a restraining order against my ex-girlfriend, but as far as I know, she now lives on the other side of the country. Good riddance, and here’s hoping she never returns.)

(I’m the person from this story. When they finally discover the cyst on my ovary that is the source of all my troubles, I am immediately scheduled for surgery in two weeks’ time. They want to run some more biopsies because they suspect I have a lump in my breast, which turns out to just be scar tissue from my reduction surgery years ago. One week after discovering the cyst and a week before my surgery, my grandmother whom I’d been living with to help keep an eye on her, dies, which puts me in an awful position. Two of my cousins are given ownership of the house upon her death. One of them, my male cousin, is on the other side of the country at the time of her death, which leaves me to deal with the other, female cousin. She immediately tells me I have to move out at once while I am laid up in a recliner chair, unable to move from the pain and on heavy-duty painkillers, facing major surgery in one week and another six weeks of recovery, minimum. Luckily, my other cousin calls to see how I am holding up and when he hears what our mutual cousin is trying to do, he tells her that he is allowing me to stay until I am well enough after my surgery to move. Two days later, I am woken up by the sound of someone coming into the house in the early morning and I see one of my aunts walking through and then back to the front door. She shows me the jewelry box she has in her hands and tells me she is taking it to the funeral home. I don’t care and just try to go back to sleep. I am woken up AGAIN, probably a few hours later, by my female cousin, my mother, and a police officer in the living room.)

Female Cousin: “…and I want her arrested! She stole my grandmother’s jewelry! Arrest her!”

Mom: “I told you, I didn’t take anything! I don’t know what happened!”

Female Cousin: “You changed the locks on the house to keep us out, and now you’re stealing from me! This is my house and I own everything in it!”

Mom: “I called you and gave you the key to the new locks! My daughter is sick and I don’t know who all has keys to the old locks! I changed them to keep people from coming in without permission!”

(I just try to go back to sleep but can’t because of the noise. Mom is trying to keep her voice down, [Female Cousin] is starting to shout, and the cop is trying to calm them both down.)

Me: “[Aunt] took the f****** jewelry box! She came in here before the sun was fully up and took the f****** thing! She took it to the funeral home! I’m trying to sleep, [Female Cousin]; can you be quiet?!”

(With that settled, the cop says he will check with the funeral home. But before he leaves, he turns to my cousin.)

Cop: “For the record, ma’am, you may own this house, but until the estate is settled, you own nothing inside of it.”

Me: “Officer, thank God you clarified that for her. If she had tried to take my property inside this house from me, I was going to load the most illegal stuff I could find onto my computer and pin it on her.”

(Luckily, he found it as funny as I intended it to be.)