I’m working in a library. One of the patrons in the study area has been talking loudly for long enough that she’s been shushed by other patrons twice. After a third shush, she starts yelling.

Me: “Ma’am! You can’t be yelling in the library.”

Patron: “I don’t see a sign that says be quiet.”

Me: “It’s pretty well implied worldwide that libraries are supposed to be quiet places.”

Patron: “I don’t do “implied,”—” *Finger quotes.* “—I do signs!”

Other Patron: “Oh, cool! There are no signs saying I can’t pee all over noisy patrons, and since the restrooms on this floor are so far away…”

The other patron walks over and makes a show of reaching for his fly.

Patron: “Stop! Go away! Eww!”

Other Patron: “There’s no sign telling me I can’t.”

The patron grabs her laptop and phone and hurriedly makes her way to the exit.

Me: *To the other patron.* “Thank you, sir. I can’t believe we might have to put up a sign asking people to be quiet in the library… or not to pee on noisy patrons.”

Other Patron: *Sad.* “Aww…”

Caller: “I’m calling to confirm my appointment.

Me: “Your appointment is scheduled for 1:15 pm on Sunday.”

Caller: “Sunday? Isn’t that daylight savings day?”

Me: “I believe so. We will see you at 1:15 on Sunday.”

Caller: “So I have to come in an hour early because of daylight savings, right?”

Me: “You don’t need to come in until 1:15.”

Caller: “But because of daylight savings, I’ll be late if I show up at 1:15, even though that’s my scheduled time, right?”

Me: “How about I move your appointment to 2:15, and then you just show up at 1:15 and you’ll be on time?”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you for being so accommodating!”

I’m having dinner with my wife and three kids (twin boys, age eleven, one girl, age nine).

Son #1: “We were talking to [Friend] today, and his allowance is twice ours!”

Son #2: “Yeah, we need a bigger allowance!”

Wife: “Well, there’s only one of him, and there’s two of you, so…” *Shrugs.*

Son #1: “It’s not our fault you made two of us!”

Wife: “The only way your allowance is going to match [Friend]’s is if there’s only one of you. We can do a fight to the death after dinner.”

Me: “Choose your weapons and head to the backyard after dessert.”

The boys moan a bit but settle down. But then…

Daughter: “If they’re both mortally wounded in the fight, can I have all three allowances?”

Customer: “I want a Coke with diet ice.”

Me: “A Diet Coke with ice?”

Customer: “No, a regular Coke, but diet ice.”

Me: “The ice is as diet as it gets. It’s just regular water.”

Customer: “Your menu screen I was looking at said that diet ice was an option!”

Me: “Do you mean light ice?”

Customer: “Whatever you call it! I want the diet ice!”

Me: “Soooo… regular Coke and light ice?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

My manager, who has overheard, tells me:

Manager: “Put that in as regular ice. She doesn’t actually want less ice cubes, she just wants them to be ‘diet’.”

Me: “But—”

Manager: “—I know, I know, but customers are stupid. She’s already got it into her head that diet ice is now a thing, and Jesus himself could come down from Heaven and tell her that diet ice is not a thing, and she’d still be all “I want it!” I guarantee you that if you put in the order as less ice, she’s gonna come back and complain that we didn’t give her enough ‘diet ice’ cubes.”

Being new here and only seventeen, I put in the order as regular ice, and when the customer collects it at the next window, she finds nothing wrong with her order.

Me: “Are we allowed to do that?”

Manager: “For food? No. For water, meh. Not like she can be allergic. I’m so tired of them that I don’t argue and just give them ice and tell them to enjoy. I swear some of them take a sip right in front of me and say ‘mmm, tastes so much healthier’ before driving away.”

Related:
H2-D’oh!, Part 15
H2-D’oh!, Part 14
H2-D’oh!, Part 13
H2-D’oh!, Part 12
H2-D’oh!, Part 11

A woman tried on some shoes from the sale rack. They fit her, and she was happy. I ring them through at the counter, and she says:

Customer: “Oh, actually, can you get me a duplicate pair? I don’t want to wear the shoes everyone else has been wearing.”

Me: “These ones out are the only ones we have, because they’re the sale shoes.”

Customer: *Angry.* “Well, go check the back anyways!”

So I did. There was none. No s***.

Instead of telling her and missing out on a sale, I just wrapped up the ones she tried on and gave them to her. She tried them on and immediately went:

Customer: “Yep, I can tell these are new. They feel stiffer and look cleaner! See? wasn’t that hard, was it? I knew you’d have some in the back.”