I’m a customer during a slow hour at the supermarket. As I’m getting in line, the (female) cashier is finishing scanning the items of the (very male) guy ahead of me.

Cashier: “Is that everything for you today?”

Guy: “Nah, can I get your phone number?”

[Cashier] proceeds to LAUGH AT HIM. Loud, hard, gleeful. I see cashiers in other checkout lanes, and their few customers, all turning towards her as she clutches the counter, trying to stop herself from falling over out of how hard she’s laughing.

Guy: “What the f*** is your problem?”

Cashier: *Desperately trying to stop laughing long enough to speak.* “I could ask the same of you!”

Guy: “Get me your manager!”

Out of breath from laughing, [Cashier] reaches for something under the counter, and a manager seems to appear from out of nowhere.

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Guy: “Your cashier started laughing at me for no reason! Fire her!”

Manager: *Turning to me.* “Did you happen to see this exchange before you got here?”

Me: “Uh, yes, sir. He asked for her phone number.”

Guy: “What the f***, dude?”

Manager: “That’s all I need to hear.” *To [Guy].* “My cashier has done nothing worth firing over. Pay for your things and leave.”

[Guy] yells in frustration and storms out, leaving his would-be purchases behind.

A customer has just checked out and has left her cart at my register. As she’s walking away:

Me: “Ma’am, you forgot something.”

She looked at me like I had just insulted her.

Customer: “It’s not my job to put it away.”

Me: “Well, it’s not my job either!”

She does not know what to do with that response, so just stands there kinda stunned for a moment. I break her out of her daze by taking my forefinger and giving the cart the gentlest of nudges toward her. She just takes it, puts it back, and leaves.

There’s this local guy who comes to the shop I work at, many times a day, mostly to buy beer, lottery tickets, and scratch cards. He almost always smells like a brewery, is extremely annoying, and barely understands personal hygiene.

A couple of months ago, I was closing the store after a really busy late Saturday shift. It was ten minutes past closing time, I was tired and cranky, and then suddenly he forced the store doors open (had them set to exit only, not locked).

Me: “Hey! We’re closed.”

Customer: “You can close when I go.”

Me: “No, we’re already closed, get out.”

Customer: “No! You gotta cash out my scratch card! I won! It’s the law!”

He’s waving around the cheapest scratchcard we sell, and he’s won a total of… one dollar.

Me: “No! We’re closed! Get the f*** out of the store!”

Customer: “You can’t swear at customers!”

Me: “We’re closed! You’re not a customer! I want to go home! Get the f*** oooooout!”

I’m usually very patient with customers, but I just “boiled over” with anger. He has never done that again, and now I always lock the door at closing time and let customers out manually if they’re still in the store.

That customer has tried to come back a few more times, but every time he walks up and sees me, I just glare at him, and he pretends he was walking in another direction all along and turns ninety degrees left or right.

This story is from a long time ago, so it is somewhat paraphrased.

At a movie theater, for specific holidays, it doesn’t matter how many people you have scheduled. It doesn’t matter if everyone shows up. You’re still shorthanded.

Usually, one person would work the counter and the other would get the food ready. So, you’ve got two people per register. 

I’m one of the more senior people working this holiday outside of management, most of whom are currently helping to clean the theaters so we can admit the huge crowds in time. It should also be noted that even though I am not management, I am one of the longest serving workers here, and am trained on certain tasks that even some managers cannot do. This meant that when something came up in the back that threatened to delay the making of popcorn, I had to go take care of it.

A coworker tapped me on the shoulder, informed me of such an issue, and I’m about to go to the back, and some guy standing in line yells out:

Customer: “Don’t leave the register! It’s slow enough as it is and I’m f****** hungry!”

Me: “Sir, I understand much better than you what it’s like to be hungry since I haven’t eaten all day, so that I can serve you and everyone else here.”

Customer: “Then you should hire more people!”

Me: “Sir, we could stand here and argue that point, but if you want me to come back as quickly as possible, then I have to be allowed to do my job. You can either wait or take my place.”

Customer: “Well… hurry up, d*** it!”

I mentally roll my eyes as I go to deal with whatever the issue was. I fixed that within five minutes, and when I came back, the same customer was getting served his popcorn.

Customer: “I’m finally getting my food, no thanks to you!”

I glance at his movie ticket.

Me: “Enjoy the movie, sir, that you’re getting to enjoy because as the only available person trained to deal with biological waste, I was able to get your auditorium ready in time.”

Customer: “Bio… logical?”

Me: “As in something that came out of a human. As for what it was, and what seat it landed on, I simply don’t have the time to tell you! This line needs to be served! Enjoy the movie, sir!”

I get back to getting customers their popcorn and snacks, and the customer slowly walks into his theater, seemingly less excited about the movie than he was before.

Coworker: *Quietly.* “Eww, was it pee, poo, or vomit?”

Me: *Also quietly.* “Nah, the lights weren’t turning off, so I had to reset them. But he’s about to spend the next two and a half hours worried that he’s sitting in a seat that might have been exposed to any of those three or worse, and the thought of that will sustain me until I get some actual food myself.”

Sometimes it’s the little things that get you through the day…

A guy comes into my express lane with a basket overflowing with groceries.

Me: “Sir, this is an express lane for fifteen items or less.”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “…and it looks like you have way more than fifteen items.”

Customer: “Just split it into multiple purchases.”

Me: “I’m not really supposed to do that, but if you split them into groups of fifteen, I will do it this time.”

Customer: *Waving at the basket, not even taking anything out.* “That’s okay; you can count them.”

Now… I am a fast cashier, one of the fastest in the store, actually. Something about this guy’s smugness got to me, so I decided to do as he has instructed.

You better believe I’m going as slow as f****** possible to run up this guy’s order. I take five to eight seconds per item, which doesn’t sound like much, but trust me, for a cashier, that’s slow.

Customer: “Can’t you go any faster?!”

Me: *Talking as slow as an Ent.* “No, sir, I have to make sure I don’t do more than fifteen per transaction. Now, was this item number six… or item number seven? Hmm, I can’t remember. Better start over to be sure.”

There’s another customer in line behind this a**hole. The customer turns to him and says:

Customer: “Can you believe this?! She’s doing this to me on purpose, and she’s holding you up!”

Other Customer: “The only person I see holding me up is the a**hole who bought fifty items into the express lane.”

Me: *Counting.* “Fourteen… Fifty! Oh, wait, did one of you say fifty? Now I’m all out of sorts. Better start again…”

Customer: “What the f***!”

The other customer is laughing his a** off, so I don’t feel too bad making him wait, too.

Customer: “Fine, here!” *He splits the rest of the order into two more groups of fifteen.” “There! Fifteen each!”

Me: *Getting to the first batch of fifteen items.* “Now… will that be cash or—”

Customer: “—Credit card.”

Me: *Deep slow breath.* “Let me finish, sir. Now… will that be cash or card—”

Customer: “—Credit card!”

Me: “—or check, or club points, or—”

Customer: “—God d*** it! Credit card!”

Me: “Please insert your card—”

Customer: *Inserts card.* “—there! Inserted!”

Me: *Deep slow breath.* “Oh, I wasn’t ready, sir. Please take it out, and I’ll reset the system.”

Customer: *Throwing his hands up in enraged frustration.* “F********ck yooooou!”

He storms out, leaving all his stuff behind. I start to gather up his leftovers and apologize to the waiting customer, now moving and talking at my regular fast pace.

Other Customer: “Oh, please, nothing to apologize for. That was f****** hilarious.”

Me: “I just felt if he didn’t respect the express lane, then I didn’t have to, either.”

Other Customer: “I was hoping you were gonna get halfway through, look at your watch, and say it was time for lunch and just leave him hanging.”

Me: “You just gave me an idea for next time!”

I had the other customer out of there in less than a minute. All the items that needed to be put back were so worth it.

Related:
Express Yourself At The Express Checkout, Part 2
Express Yourself At The Express Checkout