Socrates Meets The Elevator

, , | Right | March 4, 2008

Customer: “Is there an elevator to the theatre?”

Me: “Yes, directly across from me.”

(The customer walks to the front of elevator and starts yelling…)

Customer: “How does this thing work?!”

Me: “Press the button and when the doors open, get in and press floor number 2.”

Customer: “No, how does this thing work?”

Me: “Do you mean the physics behind elevators? This brand of elevator… or something more specific?”

Customer: “No, how does it work with me?”

(My phone is ringing and I must go answer it in a different room. I wander off. Ten minutes later, customer is still arguing with elevator. I leave for lunch… a very long lunch.)

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All’s Well That Ends Well In Roswell

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2008

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver — AKA Hollywood North — that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

Movie Set B*tch: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

Movie Set B*tch: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in two-and-a-half hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there. [Movie Set B*tch] looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

Movie Set B*tch: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

Movie Set B*tch: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany.”

Movie Set B*tch: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE S***. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

([Movie Set B*tch] storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

([Movie Set B*tch] tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director: *to Movie Set B*tch* “God d***it, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

Movie Set B*tch: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him two hours but it was going to cost them. On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

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Stupidity Exemplified

, , , | Right | February 24, 2008

(I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?””

(I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “This is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “What kind of car do you drive?”

Customer: “A 2000 Focus. Why?”

Me: *to a passing customer* “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Selling your car.”

Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

(She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

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One Slice Short Of A Pizza

, , , | Right | February 14, 2008

Customer: “I need six frozen pizzas as big as tires!”

Me: “I don’t think we sell pizza that big, sir…”

Customer: “Oh come on! I’ve got two flats and only one spare and I don’t wanna call a tow-truck!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that won’t work…”

Customer: “Fine! Be ridiculous! I’m going somewhere else! If Tom Slick could do it, why can’t I?”

Manager: “Holy crap! Sometimes I swear these idiots do these things on purpose!”


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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

, , | Right | February 12, 2008

Customer: “Uh, yes, I need the grey paint for the carpet. Which one is best for the carpet?”

Me: “Sir, we do not have a paint for carpet.”

Customer: “Yes, yes. No… no. You do not understand… see, I need to paint carpet, yes? You tell me which one. Yes, yes?”

Me: “Sir, like I said, it is not advisable to paint your carpet. It will harden and you will not be able to remove it, so I cannot recommend a product at this time.”

Customer: “No, no, you see wrong. I paint floor of car. It is very cheap, I like to paint the carpet, it is cheap, yes? So which one, which one?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand me when I tell you that it is not possible to spray paint carpet. You may dye it, or you may try to remove the stain. I could show you where–”

*customer cuts me off*

Customer: “No, no, you see, I need paint. For carpet, yes? And you show me which one. Yes? We do this now.”

Me: “…okay. Try that grey one over there.”

Customer: “Is it good for carpet?”

Me: *blank stare*

*pause*

Me: “Sure, why not?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, thank you!”

Me: *sigh*

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