The Customer’s Instinct Is Always Wrong

, , , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I am a 911 operator.)

Caller: “There is a bear in my garage.”

Me: “Please confirm your address.” *caller confirms her location*

Caller: “Can you send someone to arrest the bear?”

Me: “I can send a deputy to try and chase him out.”

Caller: “Can you send someone to arrest the bear?”

Me: “Ma’am, bears cannot be arrested.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Bears are not recognized as criminals under California state law. They do not have the ability to commit crimes. They are wild animals. They behave out of instinct. I will send a deputy to help you remove the bear.”

Throw Me A Bone Here

, , , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(We have a customer who frequently buys items and soon returns them. She comes in, yet again, to return a dog bone she bought a week or so ago.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

Me: “This packaging is destroyed, and the bone has been chewed up. I’m not going to be able to refund you any money.”

Customer: “No! This bone was supposed to be peanut butter flavored, and its not!”

(I smell the bone, and sure enough, it smells like peanut butter.)

Me: “Ma’am, this bone is peanut butter flavored.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t taste like peanut butter!”

Me: “Um… Did you taste the bone?”

Customer: “Yes! And it doesn’t taste like peanut butter! I want my money back!”

Good Deal Or No Deal

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I’m working in a call center and it’s the middle of my shift. A customer calls up about one of our products that he bought from a retailer and then saw advertised at a cheaper price at another retailer.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Look. I bought one of your products from [Retailer #1] for $569, but that was too expensive!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way, sir”

Customer: “Don’t feel sorry for me; do something about it! I was assured by the salesperson that it was a good deal!”

Me: “Indeed it was, sir. You’ll notice on our website that we’re advertising it for about $150 more.”

Customer: “But that’s ridiculous! Just days after I bought it I saw it at [Retailer #2] for $499; that’s false advertising!”

Me: “Well… Seeing a product at a cheaper price is not normally covered by most stores’ return policy, but I suppose you could always return the product and use that money to buy the cheaper one; it’s well within the standard 14-day return period, at least.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to have to go through that hassle! You should be able to do something for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. [Retailer #1] has your money; we can’t process a return for an item you didn’t buy from us.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! Can you at least throw in a free $99 filter with it, you know, to help offset my losses?”

Me: “You mean risk my job to give you something for free for a product that you didn’t even buy from us and don’t have any issues with?”

Customer: “Just tell me whether this has been a waste of my time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not at all something I can do.”

Customer: “So, this has been a waste of my time. I’m never buying one of your products again!”

Me: *under my breath* “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

Climbing For Attention

, , , , , | Right | March 3, 2018

(I work at a rock climbing gym. We run a program on the weekends where staff members handle all the ropes and gear so that kids can get a chance to climb. The kids are split into groups of three and take turns climbing with us. We’ve just started when one of the mothers comes up to me.)

Customer: “My daughter isn’t getting to climb.”

Me: “It’s not her turn quite yet, but she’ll get to go soon. There are only three people in the group, and it usually moves pretty fast.”

Customer: “That’s not acceptable.”

Me: “Um, what’s not acceptable?”

Customer: “We’re here for her to climb. She needs to be climbing.”

Me: “She will! It will just be a few minutes before her turn, and she can play in the play area while she’s waiting.”

Customer: “No. We paid for her to climb, not to wait around. I need someone else to come work with her.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We can’t do that as part of this program. If you really want, I can book her a private lesson, but it’ll be twice the price and you have to book at least two weeks in advance.”

Customer: “Well, if she can’t get a personal coach, we might as well not even be here. Can I get a refund?”

Me: “Uh, sure, I guess.”

(I give her the refund, and she goes and makes her daughter, who has been waiting perfectly patiently for her turn, take off all her gear, which they leave in a heap on the floor for me to pick up. As they’re leaving…)

Customer’s Daughter: “Why don’t I get to climb?”

Customer: *snootily* “We’ll come back when you can do it by yourself.”

(The visibly disappointed daughter was dragged out of the gym, not having gotten to climb at all.)

No, But Does Trump Tower Count?

, , , , | Right | March 2, 2018

(I work at Dulles Airport, about 45 minutes from Washington, DC, but close enough to still be considered part of the “DC Area,” which tends to confuse people. My second job there is as a retail associate, and two people asked me the same question in two consecutive days.)

Passenger: “Hi! Is there a window where I can look out and see the White House?”

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