It’s Really Beerly Early

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2019

(It’s illegal in this particular area for anybody under 21 to serve alcohol. Nobody that age is on the clock, but as it’s the Sunday morning breakfast rush we don’t think it will be a problem.)

Elderly Man: “I’d like a short stack special, please.”

Me: “Sure thing! And what would you like to drink? Coffee, tea, juice—”

Elderly Man: “I’ll have a beer.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Elderly Man: “A beer. I’d like a beer with my pancakes, please.”

Me: “Um, I don’t know if I can do that.”

Elderly Man: “Why not? There’s beer up there in that cooler.”

Me: “But people don’t typically order beer with breakfast. I don’t even think we have anybody here right now who can serve it to you.”

Elderly Man: “What? Why not? Are you just trying to shove your job on someone else?”

Me: “I’m nineteen. I can’t serve you a beer. You need to be 21.”

Elderly Man: “Then go find someone over 21!”

Me: “I don’t think there is anyone at the moment.”

Elderly Man: “Why on earth not?”

Me: “Because it’s pretty unusual for someone to want to drink with breakfast.”

Elderly Man: “This is ridiculous! All I want is a beer with my pancakes!”

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Has Bags Of Problems

, , , | Right | October 8, 2019

(A woman approaches my counter with a product that is on clearance for half off. I have been helping another customer, and when I finish, I turn to her and push my glasses up my nose.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, but before you help me, can you wash your hands, since you were just picking your nose?”

Me: “Um… Sure, okay.”

(I go back to the sink and wash my hands. When I return, she is still there.)

Me: “Okay, all clean. Will this be all today?”

Customer: “Yes, and I want to know if I need my [Store Membership Program] card to get the discount?”

Me: “Well, it looks like this item is coming up at [price], which is half off the original price. I don’t think we’ll need your card today.”

Customer: “It had an orange tag in front of it.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s just letting you know it’s half off because it’s on clearance. It came up at the discounted price.”

Customer: “Okay.” *pays*

(I go to bag her item.)

Customer: “Can you get me a different bag?”

Me: “Sure, was something wrong with this one?”

Customer: “You rubbed it all over your chest.”

Me: *raises eyebrow* “Okay, I’ll get you another bag.”

(I lay the first bag on the counter and reach for a new bag but she stops me.)

Customer: “Just give it to me; I’ll do it myself.”

Me: “Sure thing, ma’am.” *hands her the bag*

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”

Me: “Sure, was there a problem?”

Customer: “I will not be discriminated against.”

Me: *shocked* “Um, I apologize if anything I did seemed discriminatory. I assure you that was not my intention.”

Customer: “Just call a manager!”

(I do. My manager comes over and speaks with the woman while I go back to helping my first customer. Finally, the woman leaves and I approach my manager.)

Me: “What did she say I did?”

Manager: *rolls eyes* “She said that you rubbed her bags all over your chest and that insinuated she was a lesbian and she ‘is not a lesbian’!” I know you wouldn’t do that. She just wanted a discount.”

Me: “She wanted more off of her already half-off item?”

Manager: “Some people…”

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Putting Being Helpful On Hold

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2019

(While nearly all customer service lines, regardless of the type of company or service, have you click through at least one automated menu or get transferred to different departments to get what you want accomplished, our call center goes directly to a person — no menus — and nine times out of ten, the employee will be able to handle your request without transferring you. This often takes customers by surprise, and most are very happy they talk right away to a person without having to wait in Hold Hell. Most…)

Sullen-Sounding Customer: “Can I please get transferred to your accounts receivable department? This is about an invoice.”

Me: “I can help you out. What’s the invoice number?”

Sullen-Sounding Customer: *audible sigh* “You know, every single time I call you people, everyone who answers the phone tells me they can help me. Isn’t there someone you can transfer me to? Or a menu?”

Me: *taken aback* “I’m so sorry. Have we not been able to help you out?”

Sullen-Sounding Customer: “No, every time I call it gets resolved, but…” *another audible sigh* “Just, whatever, I need to pay this invoice.”

(I mean, I’d be happy to put her on hold for a few minutes if it made her feel better?)

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Baking Up A Fiendish Scheme

, , , , , | Right | October 7, 2019

Me: “Hi, [Regular]! Are you finding things okay?”

Regular: “No! Where is that bread I like? You’re always moving things around. I’m an old lady. I shouldn’t have to look for things. You people should do more to help the elderly.”

Me: “I would be happy to help you look. Remind me which bread you like?”

Regular: “You know which one. It’s the one with the man on it!”

(I look at the bread section and see two different brands with a man on the package. I pick one and ask her of this is the one.)

Regular: “No! I hate that man! Don’t even show him to me!”

(It is a cartoon-like drawing of a happy baker. The other brand also has a drawing of a baker.)

Me: “Wow, I’m sorry. The only other bread we have with a man on the package is this other one. Is this the bread you were looking for?”

Regular: “No! I hate that man, too! They are all criminals who don’t know about bread!”

Me: “Okay. Well, these are the only two kinds of bread we carry that have men on the package.”

Regular: *angrily* “I know you. I know your type. You Greeks are always trying to rip me off. You look me in the eye when you are lying to me!”

(Yup. You got me, lady. I am the one who hides bread with cartoon drawings of bakers on the package from old ladies. Busted!)

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As Thick As A Block

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2019

(I am in the computer lab at the help desk when a patron walks up from a computer to ask a question. This is edited for brevity; it actually took a few minutes to get this point across.)

Patron: “I have a question for you! Is there a password I can use to get around blocked sites?”

Me: “No. Only my boss and I can unblock sites. If the website block is a genuine false positive I can unblock it for you. Just let me know and I will check it.”

Patron: “Okay.” *wanders back to PC*

(Five minutes pass:)

Person: “Can you come and unblock this?”

Me: *saunters over and looks down at screen* “No. No, sir. I’m afraid I cannot unblock that.”

(The URL contained “XXX Dating.”)

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