Patience (Not) Be Thy Name

, , , | Right | February 16, 2009

(Note: this call takes place at 2:15 pm.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How may I help you today?

Caller: “I was supposed to have a tech out here between two pm and four pm! Where the h*** is he?

Me: “Sir, the tech is scheduled for any time between the hours of two and four, so he is not late. He is on his way.”

Caller: “I want a credit for the install fee. I shouldn’t have to pay an install fee if the tech is late.”

Me: “Sir, he is not late. He has until four pm to get there.”

Caller: “I want to speak to a supervisor now!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but a supervisor will tell you the same thing…”

Caller: “I don’t wanna talk to you! You don’t know what you are doing! Give me a supervisor, now!”

Me: “No, I will not do that.”

Caller: “You have to! It’s the law!”

Me: “No, it isn’t; it isn’t even company policy. You can wait for the tech, or you can cancel the appointment. Which would you like to do?”

Caller: “Oh… the tech is here.” *click*

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Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Stuffing

, , | Right | February 13, 2009

Customer: *ordering stuffing*” I want that container. That one in the middle, yep.”

Me: “Do you want this whole thing full?”

Customer: “Oh, god, no. I want a little more than a half… but a little less than a third. Not too much.”

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All The World’s A Book

, , , | Right | February 12, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m wondering if you can help me?”

Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Right, what book is that?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a dictionary.”

(I take the customer to the dictionary section, but she shakes her head.)

Customer: “No, it’s not a dictionary; it’s just a book.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid I need to know a bit more than that to find it for you.”

Customer: “Well, it’s not a book; it’s a box.”

Me: “A box?”

Customer: “Not really. It’s kind of a box and you put things in it. Like a box.”

Me: “So it’s not a book?”

Customer: “Yes, it is also a book.”

(Turned out she was looking for a safe.)

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The Only Thing Toasted Is His Mind

, , | Right | February 12, 2009

Customer: “I don’t want my sandwich toasted.”

Me: “No problem, sir. We actually don’t have a toaster here, so you don’t have to worry.”

Customer: “OH, YES, YOU DO! The last sandwich I got was toasted!”

Me: “Um. Are you sure it was from this store?”

Customer: “Yes. It was from this exact store, and it was toasted so bad I almost couldn’t eat it.”

Me: “I’m not sure how that’s possible, sir. We honestly don’t have a toaster, and we never have.”

Customer: “Oh, so now I don’t know what toasted bread looks like?”

Me: “I–”

Customer: “The top of my bread was brown. And do you know what makes bread brown?”

Me: “The crust?”

Customer: “A TOASTER!”

(Seriously, no toaster. Ever. At all.)

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Stairway To Nowhere

, | Right | February 10, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I can’t seem to find the stairs to your second floor.”

Me: “Ah, well, ma’am, that’s probably because we don’t have a second floor.”

Customer: “Yes, you do, I’ve shopped here for five years. I’ve been to your second floor several times. If you look at this store from the outside, you can see that it’s big enough to house a second floor.”

Me: “But there are no windows to show the second floor. No, ma’am, we have that high ceiling instead. We never had a second floor.

Customer: “YES, YOU DO! Now stop screwing around with me and tell me where it is!”

Manager: *overhearing this conversation* “Ma’am, I’ve worked here since our store opened ten years ago. We’ve NEVER had a second floor.”

Customer: “You’re lying! Tell me where the stairs are or I’m going to report your behavior to your corporate offices!”

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