Charity Begins At Home Furnishing

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2014

(As a charity shop, all items are donated to us. The staff are volunteers and so do not receive wages. The money made from sales goes to our cause – in this case, the care of the elderly in a local home. I approach a customer that has been looking at a sofa for some time.)

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “This sofa, isn’t it a bit expensive?”

(Customers sometimes try to haggle or cheat us, so I’m not surprised so far.)

Me: “Well, even though the sofa has no signs of wear and looks to be new, it has been heavily discounted. It would be triple the price from any other shop.”

Customer: “Yeah, but this is a charity shop.”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “So I don’t see why you can’t just give it away.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I rent out property, you see. I get more if the places are furnished, but if I have to buy the furniture…”

Me: “We can’t just give things away. We raise money for the charity, which cares for elderly people.”

Customer: “Yeah, but you get this stuff for free.”

Me: “… ”


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The Return: Uncut

, , | Right | March 3, 2014

(I’m getting my hair trimmed. Beside me is a four-year-old boy, who’s just finishing his own haircut.)

Boy: *scowling* “I don’t like my new haircut! Return it!”

Mother: “…Return it?”

Boy: “Yeah! You said that if I didn’t like my new haircut, that they could change it. Like when we changed my red shirt at [Clothing Store] for the green shirt! I want it back the way it was! Return it!”

(Luckily my haircut was finished. I left while the mother was trying to explain to the increasingly unhappy little boy the difference between an exchange and a change, and why they couldn’t return his haircut.)

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Attempting To Mask Out Stupidity

, , , | Right | February 3, 2014

(Our store does basic restoration services.)

Customer: “I have these photos of a masquerade ball.” *holds up photos with people with full masks on* “I need you to Photoshop the masks off.”

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, it is impossible for me to remove a mask of the person.”

Customer: “But I need to know who they are!”

Me: “If you have a different photo of the peoples faces, I can photoshop their face on, but it is impossible to remove a mask on a still photograph.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. If CSI can do it why can’t you?”

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Snakes Like To Vegetate After A Meal

, , , , , , | Right | December 11, 2013

(I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them and be pink or purple.”

Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably forty leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

Customer #2: “Are you deaf?! We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies! Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

(The “lizard” they are talking about is in fact a fourteen-foot Burmese python, which is about twenty feet away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

(In a huff, [Customer #1] leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off ten to fifteen leashes, knocking probably thirty more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next thirty minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet?! That’s so nasty!”

Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that?! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice?! Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground-up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All-vegetable dog food!”

Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

Customer #2: “So, you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs; you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

([Customer #2] gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

([Customer #2] gestures to her poodle.)

Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

(They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”


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This Customer Can Go Truck Himself

, , , , | Right | November 18, 2013

Caller: “I want to order pizza. I’m f****** hungry.”

Me: “Okay, let’s get your details. What’s your address?”

Caller: “Exit 49.”

Me: “Um, that’s not a complete address. Unfortunately, I can’t complete an order unless it has a complete address, due to the POS system that we have installed.”

Caller: “I’m in a f****** semi, and I’m f****** hungry. GET ME A F****** PIZZA!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can not complete your order unless you have a complete address. Perhaps you could come pick it up instead?”

Caller: “Well, F*** YOU! I’m in a F****** SEMI and I’m F****** HUNGRY! There is no F****** way I’m driving my F****** truck all the way out there!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can not help you there. Besides, Exit 49 is outside of our delivery area. Have a good day, sir.”

(The caller hangs up immediately and I quickly inform my manager. The caller calls back less than a minute later.)

Caller: “I want to order pizza. I’m f****** hungry!”

Manager: “Were you the one who called earlier, asking for a delivery to a semi?”

Caller: “YES! And the other chick wa—”

Manager: “She does not get paid enough to deal with a**holes like you, and frankly, neither do I. Have a good day!” *click*


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