Diagnostic Scan Results: Crisp & Buttery

, , | Right | March 9, 2009

(A customer walks in and places a box on the desk in our repairs center.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Can you fix this for me?”

Me: *looking at box* “This is a toaster.”

Customer: “Yes. Can you fix it? It’s broken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only fix computers and computer peripherals here.”

Customer: “But if you can fix computers, surely you can fix a toaster!”

Me: “We don’t fix toasters, sir.”

Customer: “Please? I’m sure it’s easy.”

Me: “Even if we could fix it for you, you don’t have a repair warantee with us, so it would cost you £50 just for us to look at it. You could buy two new toasters for that.”

Customer: “£50?! What a rip-off! If it’s going to cost me that much, I’ll go elsewhere!”

Me: “Have you tried the store you bought it from?”

Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t fix it!”

Me: “So you thought a computer store would?”

Customer: *takes the toaster and walks out in a huff*

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Secret Agent Man Loses It

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

Me: “Smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

Me: “The receivers, sir.”

Customer: “And the transmitters?”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the police use?”

Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

Customer: “Well then, I want to follow my son around!”

Me: “You just said, ‘wife.’ And we don’t have them.”

Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had covert training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I have to go take my elite covertness over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”

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And Miles To Go Before I Seek New Employment

, , , | Right | March 6, 2009

Agent: “I sent in the paperwork over a week ago. Why hasn’t this been processed?”

Me: *looking up record* “I don’t see that we’ve received it. What address did you send it to?”

(The agent gives an address in Los Angeles of a company with a similar name we are not affiliated with.)

Me: “Our office is located in San Francisco. We’re not actually affiliated with the company in L.A.”

Agent: “Well, what do we do now?”

Me: “It’s possible that they’ll forward it to our address which is printed on the paperwork, but the fastest way would be for you to submit a new form.”

Agent: “Can’t you just drive over there and get it?”

Me: “Well, no, sir. It’s in L.A. and we’re in San Francisco.”

Agent: “So?”

Me: “It’s at the opposite end of the state.”

Agent: “You can’t just go get it?”

Me: “San Francisco is not near L.A.”

Agent: *angrily* “Well, how far is it?”

Me: “About 400 miles.”

Agent: “…”

Me: “It would take about nine hours in each direction.”

Agent: “You aren’t being very helpful.”

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No Dollars, No Sense

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]; may I have your full name, please?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am.. Just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is [Customer].”

Me: “Thank you, Ms. [Customer]. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT! I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

(The customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

Customer: “Here, baby, don’t cry… Have some fries.”

Me: “Ms. [Customer], are you still there?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m here. Have you put my money back in my account yet?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

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The Spirit Is Willing But The Mind Is Dumb

, | Right | March 3, 2009

Customer: “I have an account at one of your other branches, but I’ve never rented here before.”

Me: “Okay, I just need to take a look at a valid photo ID and give them a call to get you set up.” (She holds out her ID card. When I go to take it from her hand, she tightens her grip and refuses to let go.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’ll need to take a look at your ID to confirm that you are who you say you are.”

Customer: “You can see my picture. That’s enough.”

Me: “I’m afraid it isn’t. I need to enter the number on your ID and confirm that it matches the information the other store has in its system.”

Customer: “When I rented at your other store they didn’t ask to do that.”

Me: “If that is, in fact, the case, they didn’t follow procedure. I’m the manager of this store and if I found out someone on my staff was ignoring this procedure, I’d be quite upset. We need to confirm your identity in order to protect you.”

Customer: *yelling* “My privacy is very important! I know that you’re only saying these things because your computer won’t let you rent to me without something in that field! I don’t want my personal information compromised! Call my regular store and get my id number from them so I can take my movies and never have to come back here and deal with this sort of treatment!”

Me: “I understand that your privacy is important to you. If you would just let me see your ID I can put your information in the system and you can be on your way.”

Customer: “You saw my ID! Now call the other store and get my ID number from them! My privacy is very important to me!”

Me: “So in the interest of protecting your privacy, you would like me to call the other store, on a Friday night, at 7:00 pm, and have the clerk read your ID number over the phone, out loud, in the middle of the store.”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Instead of just letting me enter the information from your ID.”

Customer: “Yes! Why is this so hard to understand?!”

Me: “Because that would seem to be a much greater risk to your privacy than–”

Customer: “Just do your job and respect my privacy! My privacy is very important to me!”

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