A New Dimension Of Stupidity, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | June 11, 2013

(I am working at the customer service counter. A middle-aged couple walks up, their 3D glasses still in the packaging.)

Me: “Hi there! Can I help you?”

Customer #1: “Yes, we’re seeing [Popular 3D Movie], and the screen is very blurry!”

Me: “Hmm, that’s strange; usually, the 3D glasses merge the images just fine. Let me call my manager and see if something is wrong.”

Customer #2: “But it should be clear even without the glasses. We can’t wear them!”

Me: “Oh, well, you have to wear the glasses with this version; otherwise, you won’t be able to see the movie clearly and will get a wicked headache from it.”

Customer #1: *snottily* “Well, we have a medical condition that doesn’t allow us to see 3D. We’ve watched movies before without the glasses on just fine.”

Me: “If you’d like, there is a non-3D version playing in about 30 minutes. I can refund you the surcharge for the 3D one, and then you don’t have to wear the glasses to watch it.”

Customer #2: “If we wanted to go to the non-3D showing, then we would have gone to that one. Just because this showing is in 3D, it doesn’t mean I should have to watch it in 3D. I want a refund!”

(My manager by now has heard the whole conversation, and refunds the order for the couple, who then storms out of the theater.)

Manager: *to me* “If you know you have a medical condition that makes it so you can’t see 3D, then why—”

Me: “I have no idea.”

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A Bridal Shower Of Criticism

, , , , , | Related | June 10, 2013

(My mom has a habit of being a massive control freak. My older sister is getting married, and has made it clear to my mother that she and her fiancé will be planning things the way they want to — without my mother’s input. Naturally, my mother has thrown a series of temper tantrums.)

Mom: “Oh, you need to let me know when we’re going dress shopping; I need to okay your choices. I need to know that your dress is acceptable.”

Sister: “Mom, I already picked out my dress. I went dress shopping with my friends, because they actually gave me input based on what I like, and not what they like.”


Sister: “Well, if you were chipping in for it, I’d agree with you. Since you’re not, you don’t. And once again, you tend not to respect my tastes, so I left you out. If you could respect that you and I like different things and not insult what I like, I might’ve let you come.”

Mom: “You are such an ungrateful spoiled brat!”

(Two weeks later…)

Mom: “Your sister needs to know what her maid-of-honor duties are.”

Me: “Mom, [Sister’s Best Friend] is going to be her maid of honor.”

Mom: “No, no, you are. Your sister just has to accept that she only gets so much say in how this goes.”

Sister: “Mother, you do realize that since you aren’t paying for any of this, you get absolutely zero say? If you keep acting like this, I’m going to tell the ushers not to let you in.”

Mom: “You can’t do that! I’m your mother; I have a right to attend! You have no right to keep me away!”

Sister: “See, that’s where you’re wrong. If [Fiancé] and I are paying to rent the space — and we are — then we have final word on the guest list. You might want to consider that.”

(It is the day before the wedding, and I’m helping set up the reception hall.)

Mom: “None of this is the way I wanted it!”

Sister: “Maybe you missed the part where I’m the one getting married tomorrow, Mom.”

Mom: “Well, this wouldn’t be such a disaster if you’d let me help!”

Sister: “No, if I’d let you help, then our wedding would be what you wanted, instead of what we wanted. Instead, since you had no say, it is what we wanted, and we’re going to have happy memories of the day.”

Mom: “I am your mother! I had a right to plan your wedding!”

Me: “Mom, stop it. I wanted to just stay out of this but [Sister] is right.”

(I look around the reception hall.)

Me: “And besides, this looks great. It’s classy, it’ll be beautiful, and the only reason you don’t like it is because she did it without you!”

Mom:Fine! I’m not coming!”

(She really didn’t come, and all because my sister and her fiancé planned the wedding without her. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception. Five years later, and they are still happily married.)

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A Badly Drawn Request

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2013

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

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On Vacation From Reason

, , , | Right | January 31, 2013

(I am working at a salon through a Cooperative Education program at my high school, and am still a senior. I answer the phone.)

Me: “[Salon], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to book an appointment today with [Employee who is on vacation].”

Me: “Sorry, [Employee] is actually on vacation. I could book you with another stylist today or with [Employee] when she returns.”

Customer: “What do you mean, she’s on vacation? I need a haircut!”

Me: “Oh, well, yes, she is on a cruise. But like I said before, I can book you with another stylist or—”

Customer: “No, no, no! This is unacceptable! I want to book an appointment today with [Employee]! How could she go on vacation and do this to me?”

Me: “Well, she had vacation days to use up, so she is gone. Now, would you like to book an appointment for a later date?”

Customer: “No! I want [Employee] to cut my hair today! Gosh, what don’t you understand? Are you stupid?”

(I try to explain several more times that the certain employee she is requesting has gone on vacation and would be back in a few weeks, but she simply won’t listen.)

Customer: “Fine! This is just ridiculous! I guess I will book an appointment with another stylist but this is just silly! [Employee] should not be allowed to go on vacation!”

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Time To Teach Time Travel

, , , , , | Working | December 29, 2012

(I am a substitute teacher. This takes place on Picture Day, where all the kids go with their homeroom teachers to have school pictures taken. After about a quarter of my students have sat for their portraits and are sitting quietly near me while they wait for their classmates to finish, the principal comes into the room.)

Principal: “You need to take the students who are finished back to your classroom. They can’t just loiter in here.”

Me: “But I thought I wasn’t supposed to leave any student unattended.”

Principal: “That’s right.”

Me: “So, I have to walk each student, as they are finished, back to my classroom?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “And, then, return here to escort the next student?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(I proceed to escort the six to eight students who are finished back to my classroom. I then return to the cafeteria where portraits are being taken. Just then, the principal walks in, seemingly livid.)

Principal: “What did I tell you about leaving students unattended?”

Me: “I’m confused. I thought I was supposed to escort each student back to my classroom, and then return here for the next student.”

Principal: “Yes! That’s right!”

Me: “But, to do that, the students in the classroom would be left unattended.”

Principal: “Students should never be unattended!”

Me: “Then, should I stay in the classroom and tell students to just return to my room when the portraits are done?”

Principal: “What are you thinking?! Students should never be left unattended in the classroom, in the cafeteria, or in the hallways.”

Me: “Let me see if I am getting this right: I am supposed to be in the cafeteria throughout the time the portraits are being taken so the kids aren’t unattended in the cafeteria. I am also supposed to escort each and every student back to my classroom so they aren’t unattended in the hallways. Once I take a student back to the classroom, I’m supposed to stay there so that they aren’t left unattended in my room. Is that right?”

Principal:Yes! God, why is that so hard to figure out? At this rate, it’ll be a miracle if you don’t flunk out of your master’s program.”

Me: “So, tell me, how am I supposed to be in the cafeteria, in my classroom, and escorting students in the hallway all at the same time?”

Principal: “You are the teacher. That is your job to figure out. Now, get it done!” *storms off*

(I did my best to bend the laws of physics and reality to accomplish his directive, but it didn’t work. I ended up having to leave the students unattended in the cafeteria, where at least the adult photographer and school secretary were present. At the end of the day, I was relieved from my position as a long-term substitute teacher for “Endangering the safety of students by leaving them unattended.”)

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