The Storm After The Calm, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | March 7, 2016

(Friday, we were closed due to a blizzard. We open back up at our normal time on Saturday since the roads are finally clear. I am running the register when an older gentleman walks up.)

Me: “Hi, sir! How are you?” *rings up his items*

Customer: “Honestly, I’m pissed off!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Yeah, you should be. You all were closed yesterday!”

Me: “Well, sir, it was due to bad weather.”

Customer: “I really needed this stuff. I waited outside for 20 minutes but you never opened!”

(I look over in his bag and noticed all he bought was a soda and a large can of tomato juice.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Next time, we will risk our employees’ lives on icy roads just so you can get one can of tomato juice! I mean, who cares if someone wrecks and dies?!”

Customer: “Well… never mind!”

(He paid for his stuff and ran out the door… forgetting to grab his oh-so-important merchandise!)


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But There’s A Cat(ch)

, , , | Right | March 1, 2016

(I’m a receptionist at an animal hospital. Sometimes we house stray dogs and cats for a while until we can find them forever homes, and people come in frequently asking about any strays we may have. I see a man walk in, and by the way he’s grinning to himself in the corner, I can already tell he’s slightly strange.)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you?”

Man: “Hello. You may not know me, but I’m a professional cat sitter.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “All right. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of that before. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Man: “Well, my b**** of an ex-wife divorced me and took all my cats, so now I only get to see them on the weekends. I was wondering if you had any cats for adoption that I can keep for five days and bring back.”

(It takes me a few seconds to figure out how to answer.)

Me: “So… you want to adopt one of our cats for five days and bring her back on the weekends?”

Man: *completely serious* “That’s right.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. If you adopt one of our cats, you’d have to keep them.”

Man: “That’s what I thought you’d say. Thanks anyway.”


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Their Financial Advice Is Handicapped

, , , | Right | January 1, 2016

(At our golf shop, we get one-off requests all the time. I occasionally get smart remarks about how we’re missing a trick because no one else is selling whatever it is, but generally, they give up and go elsewhere pretty quickly. Today, I had a guy with a very specific request…)

Customer: “Hi there! Do you sell headcovers for Vokey wedges?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We only have the matching headcovers for the clubs we sell.”

Customer: “Do you know what I mean by a Vokey wedge?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not a golfer, but I do know that we don’t sell them.”

Customer: *proceeds to tell me what this particular golf club is* “…You should get some neoprene and a little bit of soft sock and make some. You could sell them for £10 and make a fortune.”

Me: *at this point I probably have quite a stunned and bemused look on my face* “Oh, right. Well, you’re the first person in seven years of working here to ever ask for one.”

Customer: “I’m telling you, you’d make loads selling them online.”

(He can see I’m not about to take him up on his offer and manufacture one on the spot for him.)

Customer: “I had to make my last one myself.” *on that note, he leaves*

(Now, I’m not a business wiz, nor an expert in manufacturing, but if it’s such a lucrative opportunity, I was left wondering why he doesn’t take his own advice and make his “fortune.”)


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Attracting A Fridge Magnet

, , , , , , | Right | November 28, 2015

(I am in the business of buying items from auctions and selling them online. This guy had one of the most interesting haggling techniques over a practically new mini-fridge. This conversation occurred over several days through text message.)

Customer: “Still have the mini-fridge?”

Me: “Yes, it’s still available.”

Customer: “I was wondering if you would take $50 for it.”

Me: “I can’t go that low. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “What’s the lowest you will go?”

Me: “$75.”

Customer: “$50 max. It has a scratch and a dent. I see it in the pics.”

Me: “That’s why I’m asking so low. It’s worth $150. Thanks, anyway.”

Customer: “$75 is not low.”

(Three hours later:)

Customer: “Well, what’s the lowest?”

(I decide not to respond as I have already told him my lowest price and we have too big of a discrepancy to continue.)

Customer #2: “Hello, do you still have the mini-fridge?”

Me: “Yes, I still have it.”

Customer #2: “How much is it?”

Me: “$85.”

Customer #2: “I’ll give you $50.”

(I start to wonder if this is the same guy. Since I was using an anonymous texting service, texts come through as separate threads rather than one conversational string between two people. I go back and look at the previous string and realize this is the same person, as if I won’t recognize that it’s the same number.)

Me: “Lowest I can do is $75.”

Customer: “Is it in perfect condition?”

Me: “We discussed this last night. The price has not changed. You are clearly interested. Why don’t you come and have a look? The scratch on the outside has no effect on the functionality of the fridge. The inside is pristine, like new. You can purchase it for $75 or you can go to the store and buy a new one for over $150 or look for a smaller fridge that fits in your budget. $75 is the lowest I will go. Let me know if you are interested.”

Customer: “Not interested for $75.”

Me: “Best of luck to you.”

Customer: “You’re too far, anyway. You live in the middle of nowhere.”

Me: “…Then why did you contact me?”

Customer: “Cuz I’ll go for $50, duh.”

Me: “Haha, okay. Have a good one, man.”

(Four days later, guess who texts again…)

Customer: “Will you take $50 for the fridge?”

Me: “It’s still $85. Please stop asking if I will take $50. If you want it, the lowest is $75. If not, please look elsewhere.”

Customer: “D*** it.”

(Over a month later, I have since sold the fridge for the price I was asking and have acquired two more.)

Customer #: “Hello, do you still have the fridge?”

Me: “Yes, it’s still available.”

Customer #3: “Will you take $40?”

Me: “I’ve got two posted, one for $90 that’s brand new and another for $75 that’s not… So, no, I can’t do $40. I could do $80 for the new and $60 for the other.”

Customer #3: “All right, thanks.”

(My boyfriend jokingly suggests that maybe this is the same guy. We laugh and poke fun and play “what if,” but I decide to go back through my texts and check. It is A MONTH AND THREE DAYS since our last contact, and sure enough, IT’S HIM.)

Me: “If you’re asking about the one we talked about last month, I sold that weeks ago for full price. These are new fridges I have.”

Customer: “Crap.”


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No More Grand Grande Requests

, , , | Right | November 16, 2015

(I go to my local [Coffee Chain] and step in line behind three high school students.)

Student #1: “I’d like a grande caramel brûlée latte with a double pump of caramel and extra whipped cream.”

Student #2: “I’ll have a venti iced pumpkin spice latte with three shots, extra whipped cream. Don’t put too much ice in, please.”

Student #3: “I’ll take a grande caramel brûlée frappuccino blended coffee with extra caramel and extra whipped cream.”

(Throughout this transaction, the barista is polite and efficient. I approach the counter and order my usual.)

Me: “Grande latte, please.”

(The barista looked up and mouthed the words “thank you” before completing my order. Made my day!)


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