Calls Of This Nature Are Up To Nature

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I get a call as an animal control officer.)

Man: “There are squirrels in my neighbor’s tree.”

Me: “They tend to like trees.”

Man: “I need them removed.”

Me: “Umm…”

Man: “They drop nuts in my yard.”

Me: “We don’t do wildlife calls.”

Man: “I need you to remove them from the neighbor’s tree and do your d*** job!”

Me: “That would be trespassing, and we don’t do calls of this nature. I’m not sure anyone does.”

Man: *hangs up*

(Somewhere in my city right now is a man festering with hatred and anger because there are squirrels in someone else’s yard. He’s probably shaking his fist at a tree right now.)

Chicken And Buzzers And Gorilla’s, Oh My

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I work as a cashier at a popular pizza parlor and place to play arcade games. A man and a woman come in.)

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Man: “What y’all sell here?”

Me: “Pizza.”

Man: “Y’all got chicken?”

Me: “We have chicken wings, and there are slices of chicken you can put on your pizza.”

Man: “But you don’t got no, like, fried chicken?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got waiters?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Then how does the food get to us?”

Me: “I’ll give you a buzzer, and when it goes off you can pick your food up over there.”

(By his point, it seems as though the woman he is with is beginning to grow impatient with him.)

Woman: “Okay, we’ll have some breadsticks, and what do you think of a medium pizza for the two of us?”

Man: “Man, I need more than a medium pizza and some breadsticks. I’m like a gorilla!”

Chewing You Out Over The State Of The Pool

, , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I work reception at a swimming pool.)

Customer: “I want to make a complaint.”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that. What is the problem?”

Customer: “The bottom of the pool is covered in chewing gum. It was like that last week and is still the same!”

(My line manager overhears and apologises profusely for the ‘inexcusable’ state of the pool.)

Customer: “Well, it is disgusting.”

(While the customer was there, I asked my line manager if we had any available staff to get in the pool and investigate. As we were very understaffed that day, I offered to go in early the next day and “dredge” the pool. The customer seemed satisfied with this and left. The next day I got my swimming costume and goggles on and had a good sweep of the pool. What did I find? We had four rows of black tiles on the floor of the pool to denote lanes. They had been there forty years, so had started to chip and discolour. The chips were white and varying sizes, and, yes, they looked like chewing gum that had been trodden in… until you touched it, then you realised it was just tile. I am looking forward to that customer next coming in and complaining, so I can ask him if he has any goggles because I want to show him something.)

What Can I Do Except Pay You?

, , , , , | Working | October 16, 2017

(As a side job while I’m in college, I referee for the local region of a national organization that is, in short, miserable to work for. We work tournaments that last from 7 am until 11 pm for two to three days in a row, and often times get few or no breaks, due to the shortage of referees. We’re only paid $18 a match and work 12 to 14 matches a day. We’re also not compensated for our food, travel, or lodging while at the tournament. When they ask me to work a tournament two-and-a-half hours away from my house, I’m glad to say no due to my affiliations playing and coaching with several of the major clubs that are traveling to play. The day before the tournament, though, the director calls me.)

Director: “Hey, [My Name], I know you said no to working this weekend, but we have a mass shortage of referees and I desperately need you to work. Can you please come?”

Me: “As I said before, there’s too much conflict of interest due to my affiliations with [Major Club #1] and [Major Club #2]. Everybody that plays and coaches there knows exactly who I am.”

Director: “Well, I trust you to be fair and I need you badly, so please come anyways. We can figure out a way for you to not work those clubs.”

Me: “It’s not just them; lots of the players that I’ve coached have since moved on to smaller clubs. I’m not comfortable reffing anyone that I’ve coached before. I don’t think there’s any way to avoid some conflict of interest this weekend.”

Director: “What’s it going to take to get you to come?”

Me: “$30 a match and full compensation for food, hotel, and gas.”

Director: “As I’ve said before, we cannot provide compensation to officials, only administrators, and the price you’re paid per match is non-negotiable.”

Me: “Well, then, see you at the next tournament. Thanks, anyway.”

Director: “But I really need you. What am I going to do now?”

Me: “I don’t know. Good bye.”

(I wonder what he wanted me to say when he asked me what it would take to get me to come.)

A Cents-less Waste Of Time

, , , , , , | Right | October 15, 2017

(Our gas station has a member’s card that you can scan when you pay and get $0.03 off per gallon of gas. This customer forgets to hand me their card to get the discount while they are pre-paying inside for their gas. Five minutes later, they’re back inside with their receipt, furious that they did not get their discount.)

Me: “Yes, sir; what can I do for you?”

Customer: “You didn’t scan my [Gas Station] card! I want my discount. You owe me a refund, son.”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, sir, but I cannot go back and give you the discount when you didn’t give me the card to scan.”

Customer: “I just want my three f****** cents off!”

(I look at my screen and see that they only got $15, a little over six gallons-worth of gas.)

Me: “Do you have your card with you?”

(The customer hastily grabs their wallet, searches for a few seconds, and slams the card down on the counter angrily.)

Me: “I can’t scan the card for the previous transaction, but I’ll give you the refund for what would have been your discount since I have it right here anyway.”

(I handed them $0.18 from my till and replaced it with pennies from my “take one leave one” cup on the counter. The customer looked down at their dime, nickel, and three pennies, and gave me a telling look of embarrassment, knowing that they wasted five minutes and made of fool of themselves in front of the whole store for practically nothing.)

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