I Can Be Anything I Want

, | Massachusetts, USA | Right | November 27, 2011

Customer: “Do you sell stripper costumes?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Stripper or hooker, whatever. I need it for a Halloween costume party.”

(I assume she’s dressing up herself in a party for adults.)

Me: “Why don’t you just go to a lingerie store? Or perhaps an adult store?”

Customer: “Well, they won’t be selling sizes that fit my kid. She’s six.”

See this story as a comic!

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When Just Being A Doctor Isn’t Cool Enough

, | Erie, PA, USA | Right | September 10, 2010

(I work in a hospital kitchen with an adjoining cafeteria. A doctor pokes his head in the door and calls attention to himself. I stop what I’m doing to help him.)

Doctor: “Excuse me, the coolers in the cafeteria are all turned off. Could you please turn them on?”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing in them right now. We’re still making the food. It would be a waste of electricity to turn on an empty cooler.”

Doctor: “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “I… I know that.”

Doctor: “If you know, then why won’t you turn them on?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t turn them on. There’s no need.”

Doctor: *pauses* “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “Sir–”

Doctor: “I’m a doctor!”

Me: “Okay, I can turn them on.”

(I walk into the cafeteria with him and flip the switches on the empty coolers.)

Doctor: “Thank you.”

(He walks away empty-handed, apparently satisfied.)

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I turned the coolers off again and went back to the kitchen.)

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More Leftovers, Less Landfill

, | | Right | November 30, 2009

(I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

Customer: “PIE!”

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The Joys Of Self Righteousness

, , | | Right | January 1, 2008

Caller: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Caller: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90 mph!”

Me: “Generally, at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Caller: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license plate is [Plate Info].

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you, I’ll get right on mailing this–”

Caller: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes, it did.”

Caller: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Caller: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “And what is your driver’s license number?”

Caller: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Caller: *click*

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Deep Pockets

, , | | Right | December 24, 2007

Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.”

Sales: “The whole thing?”

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