A Weighty Request

, , , , | Right | June 28, 2018

(I’m a volunteer at an animal shelter. A woman comes in wanting to adopt a cat.)

Woman: “Do you have any fat cats?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “You know, obese? Plump?”

Me: “Well, we try to maintain the health of the animals here, so any overweight cats are on strict diets. May I ask why you are looking for a, um, fat cat?”

Woman: “You may not.”

(She leaves the shelter. I hear her yell outside.)

Woman: “Honey, they were out of fat cats!”

Sounds Like They REALLY Need That Book

, , , | Right | June 27, 2018

(The phone rings:)

Me: “Good morning; [Store].”

Customer: “Someone gave me a gift. It was bought in your store on March 2nd at 12:39. Who bought it for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Someone bought me something from your store on March 2nd at 12:39. I want to know who bought it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can tell you that. Our system isn’t computerized.”

Customer: “One of my coworkers bought me a color-your-stress coloring book, and I want to know who bought it for me!”

(I finally convinced her that I had no way to give her that information, but she was still upset about getting a coloring book!)

This Customer Service Is Pure Terrorism!

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2018

(It is a Tuesday, the morning of the terror attack at the Brussels airport and metro system. A customer, who has a next-day air shipping label for a piece of artwork going to Brussels, calls our center. The store owner takes the call.)

Customer: “Will my package still get there tomorrow? Even with the terror attacks that happened? All the bombings?”

Store Owner: “Probably not, seeing as it’s going to the Brussels airport, which is closed right now.”

Customer: “But I have a next-day air label! I need it to get there! My client paid specifically for next-day shipping!”

Store Owner: “I’m sure your client will understand. There is no possible way for this to get there by tomorrow.”

Customer: “You’re not understanding me! This needs to get there tomorrow!

Store Owner:You’re not understanding. You know there was a terrorist attack there just hours ago, and I know that you know that because that’s what you started this conversation with. Their airport is closed. I can’t go open the airport, and with the attacks there this morning, I wouldn’t even if I could!”

Customer: *long pause* “Could it get there by the end of the week? Say… Friday?”

Store Owner:If the airport has reopened by then, we could send it out for you. I can’t — and won’t — promise you that it will get there by Friday right now.”

Customer: “This is the worst experience I’ve ever had. I need you to get this to my client by Friday, and I want my money back for shipping!”

(The store owner wound up giving her the shipping company’s customer service number and told her to call them because he was getting nowhere with her.)

Transferring Deterring

, , , | Learning | June 27, 2018

(I am on the switchboard at the college where I work. We have multiple campuses; I work in the main campus. I get a call from a student who wants to be put through to a smaller campus, six miles away.)

Me: “Good morning! This is [College]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you just put me through to the other campus, but nobody answered.”

Me: “Okay, reception and switchboard do open an hour before the other departments so we can log any sickness calls; however, if you leave a message, someone will get back to you ASAP.”

Caller: “Not good enough. I want you to make sure they answer the phone now.”

Me: “I’m afraid I cannot do that; I am currently located in the main campus six miles away from where you want transferring, and I cannot leave the phones unmanned.”

Caller: “No, I’ll hold. Go to the office I want transferring to and make them answer my call.”

Me: “So, instead of waiting less than twenty minutes for the staff to come into that office, you want me to leave the switchboard unmanned, go to the shuttle bus, travel the twenty minutes it takes to get there, get the office staff to wait for the call to be put through, make a twenty minute return journey to where you will still be on hold, and then put you through?”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “No.”

Wireless And Headless

, , , | Right | June 26, 2018

(I work in a library. I am setting up half an hour before opening. Our overnight returns is just a “hole in the wall” style with a flap that lifts up, rather than a proper chute. I am setting up the returns room computers, when I turn around and see a head wedged sideways in the overnight returns.)

Me: *screams and jumps*

Customer: *with head in overnight returns* “Can you help me connect to the Wi-Fi?”

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