Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees

, , | Right | September 23, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, dear, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “I want a body wash that doesn’t have soap in it.”

Me: “Sure. There are a few different types of this brand, here, that does not contain soap.”

Customer: “But which one doesn’t contain soap?”

Me: “None of them do, madam. The entire range doesn’t contain any soap in their products.”

Customer: “I want one without soap. What about this one?” *picks up a bottle*

Me: “Yes, that’s one without soap.”

Customer: “Oh. Does it lather up?”

Me: “I haven’t tried this brand, but it’s popular. It’s also about 40% off, so now’s a good time to try it.”

Customer: “Well, you should have tried it so I know whether or not it lathers up! Next time I come in, I want you to have tried it so I know whether or not it lathers up!”

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Laptop Flop

, , | Right | September 21, 2009

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I would like to purchase a laptop but want to customize it a little bit.”

Me: “Okay, great! I can help you with that.”

(I pull up her account, and pull up the laptop that she wants to customize.)

Customer: “Okay, I want eight GB of memory, two TB hard drive– Oh, and also, can you please move the ‘delete’ key next to the space bar? I hate having to go to the top of the keyboard to press that.”

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All Quiet On The Modern Front

, , , | Right | September 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My talk commands aren’t working on my computer.”

Me: “Your speech commands? Well, tell me what’s the problem.”

Caller: “I keep telling my computer to turn on, but it won’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the speech commands only work if the computer is already on.”

Caller: “Then what’s the point of them?”

Me: “They make things easier once the computer is on.”

Caller: “How do I get my computer on if it won’t listen?!”

Me: “Just turn it on like normal.”

Caller: “I don’t want to! That’s why I enabled the god-d**n speech commands!” *click*

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Life’s A Beach

, | Right | September 14, 2009

(Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.)

Beachgoer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?”

Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.”

Me: “About what?”

Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–”

Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!”

(I call up my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?”

Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.”

Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?”

Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not her fault that there are rocks in the sea. If you want, we can treat your cut in first aid?”

Beachgoer: “What kind of idiots are you? I want this beach cleaned! I am going to get the government on you! And I don’t want any stupid first aid! I am going to get you both arrested for my injury!”

(She stormed off, but not before showing both of us a tiny scratch on her foot. The government never called.)

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All Geared Up But Nowhere To Tow

, , | Right | September 9, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Dealership]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I have an issue with my car not starting.”

Me: “Do you need a tow truck?”

Customer: “No, I got it started but I still want it looked at.”

Me: “All right, you can bring it right in.”

Customer: “Will you turn the car off when I get it there?”

Me: “Yes, we will need to turn it off to work on it.”

Customer: “But what if it doesn’t start again?”

Me: “Well, we will fix it.”

Customer: “Just to be safe I want you to fix it without turning the car off.”

Me: “We can’t do that. That would be unsafe for our technicians.”

Customer: “I don’t give a d*** about your technicians. If you can’t work on the car the way I want, I will call someone else!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “Fine!” (Hangs up.)

Coworker: “So how long do you think she is going to leave her car running?”

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