All Quiet On The Modern Front

, , , | Right | September 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My talk commands aren’t working on my computer.”

Me: “Your speech commands? Well, tell me what’s the problem.”

Caller: “I keep telling my computer to turn on, but it won’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the speech commands only work if the computer is already on.”

Caller: “Then what’s the point of them?”

Me: “They make things easier once the computer is on.”

Caller: “How do I get my computer on if it won’t listen?!”

Me: “Just turn it on like normal.”

Caller: “I don’t want to! That’s why I enabled the god-d**n speech commands!” *click*

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Life’s A Beach

, | Right | September 14, 2009

(Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.)

Beachgoer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?”

Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.”

Me: “About what?”

Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–”

Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!”

(I call up my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?”

Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.”

Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?”

Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not her fault that there are rocks in the sea. If you want, we can treat your cut in first aid?”

Beachgoer: “What kind of idiots are you? I want this beach cleaned! I am going to get the government on you! And I don’t want any stupid first aid! I am going to get you both arrested for my injury!”

(She stormed off, but not before showing both of us a tiny scratch on her foot. The government never called.)

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All Geared Up But Nowhere To Tow

, , | Right | September 9, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Dealership]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I have an issue with my car not starting.”

Me: “Do you need a tow truck?”

Customer: “No, I got it started but I still want it looked at.”

Me: “All right, you can bring it right in.”

Customer: “Will you turn the car off when I get it there?”

Me: “Yes, we will need to turn it off to work on it.”

Customer: “But what if it doesn’t start again?”

Me: “Well, we will fix it.”

Customer: “Just to be safe I want you to fix it without turning the car off.”

Me: “We can’t do that. That would be unsafe for our technicians.”

Customer: “I don’t give a d*** about your technicians. If you can’t work on the car the way I want, I will call someone else!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “Fine!” (Hangs up.)

Coworker: “So how long do you think she is going to leave her car running?”

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Neither A Lounge Recliner Nor A Borrower Be

, | Right | September 8, 2009

(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle-aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

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Uncouth Bluetooth

, , , | Right | September 4, 2009

(A cellphone customer walks up to my counter with a suspicious look on her face.)

Customer: “Listen… you’ve got to help me! It’s my neighbors; they’re spying on me!”

Me: “I’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can, ma’am. Is this related to your cell phone in some way…?”

Customer: “Yes! They’re spying on me in my shower, with… Bluetooths! And the camera on my phone!”

(I glance at her phone, noting that it is neither Bluetooth-capable or a camera phone.)

Me: “Well, your phone lacks both of those capabilities, so I don’t think you need to worry.”

Customer: “BUT THEY ARE! THEY STOLE THE PICTURES FROM MY PHONE AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET!”

Me: “Have you tried calling the police about this?”

Customer: “You’re in on it, too, aren’t you?!” *grabs her things and scurries off*

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