One Ring To Sue Them All

, , , | Right | October 27, 2009

(I am a shift manager at a restaurant. I have many facial piercings, but always take them out for work.)

Me: “Hello, this is the manager speaking, what seems to be the problem today?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain about one of your staff. They have horrendous facial piercings. It’s disgusting!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I must let you know that all of our staff are required to take out any piercings before starting their shift. What did this employee look like?”

Caller: “She looked like the devil! She had piercings in her lip nose and eyebrow!”

(I am the only one with these piercings, so she must be referring to me.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, are you sure you saw this employee at the restaurant?”

Caller: “No, she was at the supermarket!”

Me: “You’re calling about one of our employees while they were off duty?”

Caller: “Yes! She never has them on at your restaurant, so they must have fallen into my food!”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “YOU’RE GETTING SUED!”

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Building A Bed, No Doubt

, | Legal Right | October 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m suing your company!”

Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”

Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [Furniture Store]?”

Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”

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Fowl Outdoor Behavior

, , , | Right | October 16, 2009

(At the theme park where I work, a teenage guest gets out of line and marches up to me at my spot greeting people.)

Guest: “There are two birds back there fighting in the bushes. You should go stop them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t really have any control over nature.”

Guest: “But they’re fighting. One of them could get hurt.”

Me: “I’m sure they’ll sort it out soon and fly off.”

Other Guest: “Those birds aren’t fighting… they’re ‘dating.'”

(The guest thinks about it for a moment.)

Guest: “What?! And you’re just going to let them do it in front of everyone? This is a FAMILY park. Oh, my God!”

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Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job

, | Right | October 13, 2009

(I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.)

Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.”

Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to use right next to you!”

Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.”

(She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.)

Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?”

Customer: “Actually I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?”

Me: “I can’t, I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?”

Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”

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Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2009

(Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.)

Father: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?”

Me: “No, sir. They are not.”

Father: “But we saw them move…”

Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.”

Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?”

Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.”

Son: “So are they real, dad?”

Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!”

(As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.)

Mother: “You know, dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way you won’t have problems like this.”

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