If The Shoe Fits…

, , , | Right | April 24, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Orthopedic office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is [Ortho]–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling [Orthopedics], how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

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When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

, , | Right | April 22, 2008

(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SEVENTY YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at nine in the morning or ten?”

Customer: *after a brief pause* “Ten. Thank you.”

 

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Virgin Galactic, Eat Your Heart Out

, , | Right | April 18, 2008

(I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

Passenger: “Is it okay if my camera is here for the flight?”

Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

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Pepperoni And A Side Of Dentures, Please

, , | Right | April 13, 2008

Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

Customer: “Um… yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

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No Pink Bunnies, But Plenty Of Jackasses

, , , | Right | April 12, 2008

(During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

Customer: “Okay, so, the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

Me: “Do you know the title, maybe?”

Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

Customer: “Look. Go f****** find it. I’m very busy!”

Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

(Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a “fruity-sounding” bookseller. I’m a girl.)

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