Completely Self-Immersed

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2010

Swimmer: “Could you please close the doors? There’s a draft coming into the pool.”

Me: “Sure.”

(After closing the pool, a customer watching her child swim calls me over.)

Mother: “Could you please leave the doors open? I’m claustrophobic.”

Me: “Of course!”

(After opening the doors again, the swimmer talks to me.)

Swimmer: “Why are the doors open?”

Me: “A customer here is claustrophobic, and asked me to leave the doors open.”

Swimmer: *yelling angrily* “What’s more important, her claustrophobia, or my comfort?”

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The Grinch Who Shocked Christmas

, , , , | Right | December 24, 2010

(It is December and Christmas decorations have been recently put up throughout town. I recognize our town manager in the store. She is responsible for all the towns’ decorations.)

Me: *as I am ringing up her books* “I love all the lights downtown!”

Town Manager: “Thank you!”

Me: “My favorite is the reindeer topiary garden!”

Town Manager: *scowling* “Well, they do look nice, but unfortunately, the children like them, too.

Me: *confused* “Excuse me?”

Town Manager: “The children! They are always trying to touch the reindeer.”

Me: “I’m sure they’re very excited about Christmas, and hearing all about Rudolph.”

Town Manager: “The decorations are for looking at! Not for touching! I suggested electricity but no one liked that idea.”

Me: “You suggested what?”

Town Manager: “Just a light jolt, to discourage the children!”

(I am stunned and silent.)

Town Manager: “No, no one else liked that idea, either.”

Me: “Here are your books! Happy holidays!”

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Social Faux Pa Pa

, , , , , , , | Right | December 23, 2010

Child: “Daddy! Look at this!”

(The father comes over to find his child looking at an adult magazine.)

Father: *to me* “What the h*** is wrong with you? How can you let a six-year-old boy look at this smut?!”

Me: *ringing up another customer* “Sir, I’m with another customer right now.”

Father: *waving the magazine in my face* “He is way too young for this! Why didn’t you stop him from looking at this?” *he starts screaming obscenities*

(My manager walks by as this is happening.)

Manager: “Sir, she is a cashier, not a babysitter. It is not her job to watch your child; it is yours. She was doing her job when you came up to scream at her. Now get out before I call the police.”

(The man looks embarrassed as he leads his son out. A minute later, he walks back in.)

Father: *mumbles* “I forgot my other son.”

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The Conversation Has Taken A Sudden Dive

, , , , , , | Right | December 21, 2010

(I am answering basic questions for a potential skydiving customer.)

Customer: “How long is the free-fall part?”

Me: “About thirty to forty seconds.”

Customer: “Thirty seconds!? I thought it was like five minutes? That’s how it is in the movies!”

Me: “But that’s in movies. Actual skydives average about a thirty- to forty-second free-fall.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s how long it takes to fall from the highest altitude that you can safely jump from.”

Customer: “If I’m going to pay $250 to jump, I want to fall for five minutes.”

Me: “Might I point out that it doesn’t even take objects in space five minutes to fall to earth? You could be in orbit and not get a five-minute free-fall.”

Customer: “So, if I call around, no one will be able to give me five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Is there any way you guys could fly the plane higher so I’d fall for five minutes?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we cannot do that. Besides the fact that it is physically impossible, you would die. If you’re still hung up on this five-minute thing, call NASA and tell it to them.”

Customer: “Oh, so they do that?”

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Bad Company, Good Business

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2010

(I’m a cashier, and a customer comes up to my register with a lock.)

Customer: “Do you guys do price matching?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

Customer: “Great. I’ll take it at the [Medical Supply Store] price.”

Me: “All right, I’ll just need the print out.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “Well, I need proof that the other store has the same product for a lesser amount.”

Customer: “Don’t you know what they sell it at?”

Me: “Actually, I don’t believe they sell this at all.”

Customer: “Well, just find a store that sells it at a lesser price and give me that!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t do that. Unless you found the same item for a lesser price at another store, I have to charge you what our company sells it at.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s business, sir.”

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