The Agents Of Your Demise

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Buyer: “We are looking at this house in the paper and we wanted to see it.”

Me: “Great. Can you give me the address? I can see if my buyer’s agent is available to show you the home.”

Buyer: “Well, we don’t want to work with an agent. We just want to see the house. We are planning to swing by it in 15 minutes. Is it unlocked so we can just walk inside?”

Me: *thinking to myself* “Of course, you moron. We always leave our houses unlocked so random people can walk into them at any time.” *speaking out loud* “I’m sorry, but all buyers need to be accompanied by an agent for liability reasons.”

Buyer: “But I don’t want to work with your agents. I just want to see the house.”

Me: *hangs head*

Your Complaint Is Toothless

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Customer: “I need to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just came and got a pepperoni and cheese pizza, and I could not eat it; I could not chew it.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry about that. Was it too hard or burnt?”

Customer: “No, ma’am, it was cooked fine, I just don’t have any teeth and could not chew it. What are you going to do about it to fix it?”

Me: “Umm…”

Lesbians Versus The Devil

, , , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(My husband and I work at a religious supply shop that caters to multiple faiths. Because of this, we often get phone calls that would be considered strange anywhere else.)

Me: *answering phone* “[Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Would you pray with me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not something I feel comfortable doing. There are so many different faiths and practices, and, in my opinion, prayer is best when personal.”

Customer: “I’m a Satanist.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter to me, sir. I have no problem with Satanists, but am not one myself.”

(Just then the other phone line rings.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir; I have another call coming in. Can you please hold?”

(He says yes, and I end up transferring him to my husband. The caller on the other line has a quick question about whether we have an item in stock, so I get to hear my husband’s side of the conversation.)

Husband: “I’m sorry, what were you looking for?!” *pause* “We don’t carry anything like that here.” *pause* “Oh, you want to pray that you’ll find it?” *pause* “Okay, sir, good luck on your search.” *hangs up phone*

Me: “What was that all about?”

Husband: “He’s going to [Nearby City]’s flea market tomorrow, and he was hoping to find ‘big booty lesbian DVDs.’”

Me: “Wait, so he called us to ask if we would be willing to pray for him to find lots of porn at the flea market?!”

Husband: “Big booty lesbian porn!”

Me: “We get the best calls!”

Sometimes They Just Can’t Get A Break

, , , , , | Right | January 10, 2018

(I’m a cashier at a store which is located in a large strip mall. I am in the front of the store speaking with the security guard, when a woman walks in, furious.)

Woman: “There are kids skateboarding over there! You need to do something about it!”

Security: “Are they bothering anyone?”

Woman: “No, but they shouldn’t be doing that!”

Security: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Would you rather them be breaking into people’s cars?”

(The woman stopped and looked cluelessly at my coworker, then stormed off.)

The Only Other Option Is Hedwig

, , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(I am running a very popular gardening program for my community. At the onset of the program, I ask each participant for their contact information, that I might send them updates about important dates and workshops. This phone call takes place about a month after the program starts for the season.)

Participant: “Hey, [My Name]. I just wanted to know what’s going on with the program. I haven’t gotten any updates from you in a while.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you get my email?”

Participant: “I never check my email. I only have one so I can get free things from companies.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Well, let me see; is this address correct? I should have sent you two flyers by now.”

Participant: “I’m sure it’s in my car somewhere. I just throw everything that’s not a bill onto the front seat of my car and deal with it later.”

Me: “Well, I did try to call you last week.”

Participant: “I don’t answer calls from phone numbers I don’t recognize, and I know I wouldn’t recognize yours.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “I think we’re left with carrier pigeon.”

Participant: “What?”

Me: “What other means of communication would you suggest? I’ve listed everything I can think of.”

Participant: “Hmmm… Maybe shoot me a text. But not before or after work. You know I live in an area that doesn’t have reception!”

(Her daughter eventually came to the office for a different reason. I sent her home with about five important papers to take to her mom. I’m sure she’ll never see them!)

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