One winter, our store was selling hand soaps with a cartoon polar bear and penguin on the label.

Customer: “The packaging on these soaps is irresponsible!”

I can already smell the specific brand of customer crazy coming off of her. If I’m lucky, I can fob her off to our complaints email.

Me: “Would you like the email address for our—”

Customer: “—You have penguins and polar bears in the same place!”

Okay, I guess I’m dealing with this.

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is a winter-themed pack, so—”

Customer: “—Polar bears and penguins live on different poles! Do you know how inaccurate this is! People are going to look at this pack and think they live in the same place!”

Me: “Ma’am, they’re also all wearing scarves and sitting down to have tea together. I don’t think anyone is going to look at this and assume it’s accurate.”

Customer: “I shop here every Wednesday! By next week, I expect this packaging to be rectified!” *Leaves.*

I was incredibly happy when next week’s schedule showed that I was off next Wednesday!

I work in visual effects. We were working on a music video when the video’s director came into the studio to see the progress and give feedback. I’m working on a shot filled with purple smoke, and he comes over to my desk and starts giving me notes:

Director: “This shot is looking too purple. Make it less purple.”

Me: “Okay, I can take down its saturation.”

Director: “No, I still want it to have a lot of color.”

Me: “What color would you like instead?”

Director: “Like blue and red, mixed together.”

It sounds stupid (and it is!), but after years of learning to speak ‘client’, I learned that they probably wanted something closer to magenta or violet, rather than whatever shade of purple it was. I added a filter to make the smoke appear in either of those two colors, and the client loved it.

Related:
Color Me Confused

The district manager approaches me about an hour into my shift at the mall department store.

District Manager: “[Store Manager] said you were insubordinate yesterday. We need to discuss it.”

Me: “Insubordinate? I don’t think that’s a word that’s been used to describe me ever.”

District Manager: “But is it accurate? He said you left yesterday without clocking out, after making several attempts to leave early.”

Me: “Well, that’s technically correct, but—”

District Manager: “—Why did you leave without clocking out?”

Me: “The cops were still investigating when closing time came around, so I just left.”

District Manager: “What cops?”

Me: “The one’s checking for the bomb.”

District Manager: “…bomb?”

Me: “Seriously? Just how selective was [Manager] being when he told you I was being insubordinate?”

District Manager: “I think you’d better start from the beginning.”

Me: “Yesterday, the mall received a bomb threat and we all had to be evacuated about an hour before closing. I tried to leave, but [Store Manager] actually wouldn’t let us leave until the police came in and physically made us leave. I said we should all go home since it’s so close to closing time, but [Store Manager] told us not to go further than the parking lot because customers would want to come back and shop when the mall reopened.”

District Manager: “…”

Me: “Oh, wow, he didn’t say any of that? Well, anyway, the cops were still investigating after the mall and store closed, so I left. In fact, we all did. I think I’m being singled out because I was the most vocal. I even said [Store Manager] was breaking the law by keeping us inside a building facing an active bomb threat.”

District Manager: “…”

Me: “Weird. As District Manager, I’m surprised you’re only finding out about this now. Maybe you should talk to [Store Manager] about that. Anyway, can I go now?”

District Manager: “…yes.”

Me: “Thanks!”

I confidently walked back to my counter and got back to work. The district manager just kind of floated away, processing what I’d just told him. I don’t know what he did after that, but I never saw the store manager again.

I work at a company that sells equipment like furniture and computers to schools. Most of our orders come through our website, but we also take a lot by phone, especially when a person hasn’t made up their mind about what specific items they want and needs to discuss it.

One day I get a phone call from a woman who introduces herself as the deputy head teacher at a brand-new school. She wants to order computer equipment for the teachers to use in their classrooms, for the offices, for the student computer labs, and for the school library.  

This is a LOT of equipment.

She doesn’t have specifics of the requirements and doesn’t seem to know a lot about computers, so she asks me to recommend models for the different purposes, and I run through some options with her, making a list as I go about everything she wants. 

Unsurprisingly, the list starts to add up very quickly to a substantial cost. She didn’t give me a budget to stick to, so I’m just suggesting the best models we have that seem to suit her needs.

Eventually, we are nearing the end of the conversation; I have read off the list of everything she’s asked me for and got her to confirm that she’s happy with it, and she starts giving me the address and other details for delivery. It occurs to me that we still haven’t mentioned money, and that I’ll need to set up an account for her school.

Me: “I’ll need to set up an account for you. Do you have a school credit card?”

Caller: “A credit card? Like what you buy things with?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “To buy… the computers?”

Me: “That’s right. For everything on the list I just read to you, the total would come to £[a large amount].”

Thus far in the conversation, she had been quite professional in manners and tone. Now, however, she began speaking so coquettishly and cutely, I could picture her twirling a bit of hair around her finger as she spoke.

Caller: “Weeeeeeeell… I thought maybe you’d like to just give them to me? Like a little present for me?”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Because I’ve been working sooooooo hard on the school, and it’s for the little children. So you should just give me the stuff?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is a business. We don’t just give away computers on this scale. If your budget is tight, I can recommend some lower-cost options—”

Caller: “Nooooo! I want the nice ones! The nice ones! But they’re for the children, so you should give them to me for free as a present! Do you hate children?”

Gobsmacked at this behaviour, I am trying to work out how to answer when I hear a scuffle on the other end of the line, and the woman arguing with somebody. Then the phone is hung up.

Wondering if I’ve been pranked, I return to some other work. About ten minutes later, another call comes through, this time from our receptionist, who tells me she has a caller who is looking for a member of staff who just dealt with a caller asking for presents. I confirm that this was me, and the very amused receptionist puts the call through.

It was the headteacher of the school calling to apologise for the previous call. The caller had not been the deputy head teacher; she was a member of the office staff who had volunteered to contact us, claiming she had a way to get us to give her a discount.

The head teacher overheard the last minute or so of our conversation, and when she realised that the woman was trying to guilt a company into giving them free stuff, she took the phone away from her. She wanted to know if I still had time to help her choose computers, and we had the same conversation all over again. This time, however, we ended up with a totally different final list, as the head teacher actually knew the requirements and budget.

Customer: “I want to use my [Store] points for this purchase.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, [Store] points are no longer an active campaign.”

Customer: “I’ve done it before!”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not an active campaign anymore.”

Customer: “Well, you should let me use them today! Show some customer loyalty! I’ve been a frequent customer here for fifteen years!”

Me: “Great, so you know our policies, and you know the rewards points system was cancelled years before I even started working here.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager! I still had points on my card, and I want that as a discount!”

They get our best manager, as in the one who takes no customer BS.

Manager: “So you’re claiming I should let you get a discount due to being a loyal and frequent customer, but the last time you shopped here was when we were still doing reward points? That was changed seven years ago. How frequently are you shopping here?”

The customer argued more, but after the manager explained that customers were told a year in advance that the points system was being cancelled and had that much time to spend them, the customer gave up.