The Meat On Your Plate Makes Up For Having None In Your Head  

, , , , , , | Right | January 14, 2020

(I am working as a banquet server at a four-star hotel. A typical night involves serving the same dish to 50 to 200 people.)

Me: “Before I bring out your soups, does anyone at this table have dietary restrictions I need to know about?”

Diner: *in a haughty voice* “My husband and I are vegan. We want fish for our entree.”

Me: *internally* “Don’t say it. Don’t call her a dumba**. Don’t tell her she sounds airheaded enough to actually think fish isn’t meat.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Two minutes later, in the kitchen:)

Me: “Two of my guests say they’re vegan, so they want fish instead of the beef wellington.”

Chef: “Did you tell them they’re dumba***** and that fish are animals?”

Me: “No, but I thought it really loud.”

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Can’t Discount Either Method

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2020

I work in the office of a regional park, selling park vehicle permits. Occasionally, we get a customer asking if we offer any sort of discounts — senior discount, veteran discount, etc. Unfortunately, we do not. 

Most people are understanding, if somewhat disappointed. If I think it will lighten the mood, I sometimes joke, “If it makes you feel any better, there’s no employee discount, either!”

This is a line I have been using for years to pretty good effect, but my supervisor recently improved on it:

“Well, I’d let you use my employee discount, but I don’t get one.”

I may have to adopt her version.

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It’s My Opinion; Therefore, It’s The Only One That Counts

, , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(I work in HR for a news outlet. I’m rather amused one day when I receive an email in which a reader complains that we are writing about a certain blue or gold dress instead of “more pressing topics.” While it’s not actually my responsibility to answer it, I have a spare minute and the accusation that we’re writing about the “wrong stuff” is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine, as it is for many people working in journalism. I quickly type up an answer.)

Answer: “Dear [Reader],

Thank you for your feedback. While I understand the feeling that there are more pressing stories to write about, I can assure you that journalism is a highly specialized field with most journalists having very specific knowledge in their respective subject areas. A journalist writing about lifestyle topics would not otherwise write about politics or international affairs, like a sports reporter would not write for the economics department or about science. Furthermore, as the article you’re referencing is an online article, I can assure you that there’s no reason to worry about it taking away space necessary to report on other topics.

I promise we still report on urgent topics with the same frequency as we always have and we’ll continue to do so. If you have further feedback or questions regarding the contents of our site, I’d refer you to [Editor In Chief] at [Editor In Chief’s email address].”

(I don’t get an answer for several days, so I consider the affair settled, until I receive another email one morning from the same reader.)

Response: “Dear [My Name],

I don’t believe you, as I’m certain that there’s no journalist who would willingly write about such garbage. Let them write about something that matters, instead! Your newspaper would do significantly better, believe me.”

(Sure, it would improve the quality of our product immensely if we could only force our lifestyle department to write about the intricacies of foreign elections, lady! I’d really like to believe she was trolling with me, as nobody could be that confident in not understanding the concept and benefits of specialization. Then again, she wrote to HR to complain about our content.)

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Entitlement That Stretches To The Sun And Back

, , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(I work at an amusement park. Every week, we run an event where we’re open late with lots of entertainment and a firework finale. The show is aimed at kids so we’re aware it’s a late night for them. We lose count of how many times we get asked this question, but this woman is a new level of special!)

Customer: “Excuse me. What time are the fireworks?”

Me: “We’ll set them off as soon as it’s dark enough, as early as we can.”

Customer: “Well, what time will that be?”

Me: “It will probably be about 9:00 pm; there will be an announcement just before so you have time to get a good spot.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Why would you have them so late?!”

Me: “Sorry, but it’s not dark enough until then.”

Customer: “Don’t be so stupid! This is a kids’ park! How can you expect them to stay up so late?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it has to be dark so you’re able to see the fireworks. We can’t let them off until the sun’s setting or you wouldn’t see them.”

Customer: “This is so ridiculous! My grandson was looking forward to the fireworks! Now he’s going to be disappointed because you’re refusing to set them off any earlier!”

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They Are So Not Ready For Blu-Ray

, , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(A couple, perhaps in their 40s, comes into our bookstore.)

Customer: “Do you have any videotapes?”

Me: “Do you mean DVDs or actual videotapes?”

Customer: “Videotapes.”

(I show her the shelf where we have a few old movies that have come in with boxes of books. She stands there looking confused for a surprisingly long time, and then says:)

Customer: “I guess I mean CDs.”

Me: “Are you sure you don’t want DVDs?”

Customer: “No, CDs.”

(I show her where the CDs are. She looks at a few.)

Customer: “No, this is just music. I wanted movies.”

(I showed her the shelf of DVDs and sat down to practice a few mental head-desks. By the way, the man said nothing during this whole transaction.)

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