Give Her All The Karats Or She’ll Crucify You

, , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

(I’m assisting an elderly couple, who are regulars of ours, at the jewelry counter.)

Husband: “We’re looking for a yellow gold crucifix.”

Me: “Most of them will be in this case right here.”

Husband: “Not a cross, now, a crucifix.”

Me: “Yes, sir, we have plenty of both in this case.”

Husband: “Do you have any in 18-karat? I’m making up a rosary for my nephew.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we only carry 10- or 14-karat gold pieces.”

Husband: “I want 18-karat to match the beads on the rosary. Do you know what a rosary is?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Sadly, we don’t carry 18-karat–“

Husband: *interrupting, and pulling the rosary out of his pocket to show me* “It looks like this, and it’s used in Catholic prayer.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Husband: “Now I can tell you’re not Catholic, but I’m sure you’re still a good Christian.”

Me: “…”

(The hilarious part was that he was wrong on both counts. I was baptized Catholic, but my parents gave us free rein on our religious beliefs and I’m currently agnostic. I still know what a crucifix and a rosary are!)

Smaller Cabin Fever

, , , | Right | April 15, 2019

(I work the closing shift as a receptionist at a five-star campsite in Sweden. Most people who rent cabins book their stay weeks in advance as they are very popular. One evening I answer a call from a man speaking English with a heavy accent.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name]. You’ve reached [Campsite]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need a room for tonight. One bed.”

Me: “You’re lucky! We have two cabins left that can be rented tonight: one with four beds and running water, and one smaller with two beds and no running water. You will have full access to our nearby service facilities where there are restrooms and showers no matter the choice.”

Caller: “I need a toilet in the cabin.”

Me: “Certainly! The larger cabin is [price] per night—“

Caller: “What? That’s not good enough. How much is the smaller cabin?”

Me: “That would be [about half the previous price].”

Caller: “Can’t you give me the bigger cabin for the price of the smaller one?”

Me: “Um, unfortunately, I cannot do that. You would still have restrooms nearby the smaller cabin if you don’t wish to pay for the larger one. I can assure you the service facilities are well maintained.”

(The caller grumbles something angrily in a language I don’t understand.)

Caller: “I’ll call you back.”

Me: “Of course! Keep in mind we can’t check you in after 10:00 pm when we close the reception.”

(He hangs up. An hour later, around 9:00 pm, a biker rides up and parks his motorcycle right outside the reception — not in the assigned parking space — and comes in. It has just started to rain.)

Man: “I called earlier. I need a cabin.”

Me: “Welcome. It was me you spoke to. Both cabins are still available for one night.”

Man: “I want the one with water, but the price is too high.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot lower the price. The cabin is in top shape, newly renovated. With the cheaper cabin, you’ll still have access to toilets and showers less than a fifty-meter walk away.”

Man: “I don’t want to walk in the rain! You won’t rent out that cabin tonight, anyway, unless I take it. I should be able to choose the price myself. Any money I don’t give you is money you lose! I want to speak to your manager. He will teach you how to make business.”

Me: “I could give you her number, but she doesn’t work right now and won’t answer until tomorrow. Until then, I have to follow our rules.”

Man: “Come on! This is stupid! I won’t pay that much! You’ll just lose business!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I’m not authorised to change our pricing for anyone.”

(The biker stomps out of the building swearing and gesturing obscenely. He takes off and I assume he’ll try to find a cheaper campsite. There is one about half an hour away, but I know already that all their cabins are fully booked. At 9:50 pm, the biker returns, fully drenched. It’s still raining.)

Man: “Look at me; I’m all wet! I want a shower in the cabin.”

Me: “That still is [price]. For [cheaper price] you’ll still have access to showers. They’re really close to the cabin; I can show you on our map here.”

Man: “Forget it. You know nothing about business. I’ll take the cheaper one.”

Me: “Sure! I just need your name, address, and a valid ID.”

(He is very reluctant to show me his ID, and even more so his address.)

Man: “What do you need my address for?”

Me: “We keep a register of all our guests to make booking faster should they come back. An address is part of the obligatory information needed to make a booking.”

Man: “Well, I’m not coming back here.”

Me: “I still need your address to complete your booking, sir.”

(Finally, he gave me an address. I got him his key and explained the map and some rudimentary rules. To save trouble for my colleagues in the morning, I didn’t even mention our option of paying at checkout and got him to pay upfront. The next day, I heard that my colleagues had to kick him out as he wouldn’t honor the checkout deadline. Apparently, he liked that smaller cabin after all.)

It’s Actually Pebbles

, , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

Me: “Hello there. Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am!”

Me: “How about a phone number for our perks program?”

Customer: “Of course!” *rattles off phone number*

Me: “All right, and is that under [Customer]?”

Customer: “Sure is! But could you maybe change it?”

Me: “Sure, what do you want me to change it to?”

Customer: “BamBam! It’s my stripper name!”

Me: “Uh… what…”

Customer: “I’m totally joking!”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, I was really confused for a minute!”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s not even my stripper name.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “What?”

Give Them An Inch And They’ll Ask For A Meter

, , , , | Right | April 13, 2019

(I work in a small comic book shop that is on a street that has metered street parking. I am doing my usual daily routine and a car parks outside of the store. Time passes and the meter officer comes around and sees that their meter is expired, waits a moment, and then proceeds to write them a ticket. These are all normal things that happen in this area because people either run out of time or don’t put money in it at all, so I think nothing of it. Then the family comes back, puts their child in the back seat, and then sees their ticket. I look up because the lady is now freaking out at her husband about how they got a ticket. They enter my store.)

Female Customer: “Why did you guys give me a ticket?! I paid!”

(I stare at her for a moment in pure confusion.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t have anything to do with the tickets.”

Female Customer: “We parked right outside your store and had paid the meter behind us! We paid! Take back the ticket!”

Male Customer: “We just made a mistake and paid the wrong meter; there must be something you can do.”

(I’m still massively bewildered that they are coming to me. The woman is angry and yelling at me while the man tries to nicely ask for help.)

Me: “Um… That sucks, but I have nothing to do with the ticket or giving tickets or anything with parking. I just work at this store.”

Female Customer: “Yes! So, you can get rid of the ticket! We were outside your store!”

Me: “I don’t control the parking outside of my store; you’d have to call the number on the meter to try to get help or fight against your ticket.”

Female Customer:What?! Why do I have to call someone! You’re right here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I seriously have nothing to do with any of the meters or ticketing. I just work at this shop…”

Male Customer: “So, you can’t help us?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but there’s a number on the meter.”

Female Customer: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! JUST ‘CAUSE WE PAID THE WRONG METER, I NOW HAVE A TICKET THAT I HAVE TO PAY MORE MONEY FOR, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN HELP US OUT?”

Me: “No.”

(Then, in the angriest huff I think she could manage, she pulled her husband out and started yelling more outside my store about how I was no help at all and that this area is ridiculous with our ticketing laws. Then, they drove off after almost hitting an oncoming car. Sometimes, I don’t understand how people don’t understand.)

The Reason The Company Doesn’t Pick Up Her Garbage: They’re Scared

, , | Right | April 12, 2019

(I work for a municipality answering the information line. I pick up the phone and give the standard phone greeting for our city.)

Older Woman: “I need the phone number for [Garbage Pickup Company]!”

Me: “Well, that company doesn’t sound familiar; they don’t pick up garbage for us.”

Older Woman: “NO! I live in [Small Town about half an hour away] and they didn’t pick up my garbage! I need their phone number!”

Me: “Okay, we only look after garbage pickup in [City], but let me look up the number for you.” *starts typing*

Older Woman: “HELLO?”

Me: “Yes, I am just looking the number up. It’s 35—“

Older Woman: “NO! That’s long distance; I need a local number!”

Me: “Well, that is the only number listed for them.”

Older Woman: “THAT WON’T WORK! GIVE ME A LOCAL NUMBER!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any other phone numbers for them.”

Older Woman: “Well, then, give me the number for your local garbage company. They will have it!”

Me: “I am not sure that our local company will have a phone number for a company an hour away…”

Older Woman: “I SAID GIVE ME THE LOCAL COMPANY!”

Me: “All right, but I am not sure if they will be able to help you.”

Older Woman: “GOOD! Now was that so hard?”

Me: “No?” *thinking* “YES!”

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