A Nation Of Size Queens

, , , , | | Right | October 27, 2008

(I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”

Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”

Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”

Me: “Geography, I suppose.”

Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”

Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”

Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”

Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”

Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”

Me: “But… it’s in my country.”

Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*

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…And The Baristas Shall Inherit The Earth

, , , | Right | September 21, 2008

Me: Good morning. What can I get for you?

Customer: “Did you go to church today?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?! It’s Sunday and you should be giving thanks to the Lord! I don’t like this… Let me speak to your manager, NOW.”

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment where we are required to go to church.”

Customer: “Get your manager!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “Why don’t your employees go to church on Sunday?! This is an outrage.”

Manager: “If we did there would be no one here to make your delicious coffee when you get out of church.”

Customer: “Well, I guess that’s okay. I’ll let Jesus know that you guys are helping me so that you don’t go to Hell.”

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Best Pet Advice, Ever

, , , | | Right | September 9, 2008

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about seven lbs.”

Customer: “How big are they now?”

Me: “They’re about four lbs right now.”

Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

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Doctoring Under The Influence

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2008

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

Drunken Table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

(They order ten different, complex cocktail orders.)

Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

(Five minutes later…)

Lady: *at drunken table* “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

Lady: *at drunken table* “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

Doctor: *at drunken table* “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

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Over-Utilized Word, Under-Utilized Noggin

, , | | Right | July 1, 2008

(This happens at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull comes out. We have received copies of the older three movies so people can get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “All right, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “That’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “So… what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using five-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We gave him the number for our regional manager. We heard the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

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