Sometimes They Just Can’t Get A Break

, , , , , | Right | January 10, 2018

(I’m a cashier at a store which is located in a large strip mall. I am in the front of the store speaking with the security guard, when a woman walks in, furious.)

Woman: “There are kids skateboarding over there! You need to do something about it!”

Security: “Are they bothering anyone?”

Woman: “No, but they shouldn’t be doing that!”

Security: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Would you rather them be breaking into people’s cars?”

(The woman stopped and looked cluelessly at my coworker, then stormed off.)

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The Only Other Option Is Hedwig

, , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(I am running a very popular gardening program for my community. At the onset of the program, I ask each participant for their contact information, that I might send them updates about important dates and workshops. This phone call takes place about a month after the program starts for the season.)

Participant: “Hey, [My Name]. I just wanted to know what’s going on with the program. I haven’t gotten any updates from you in a while.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you get my email?”

Participant: “I never check my email. I only have one so I can get free things from companies.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Well, let me see; is this address correct? I should have sent you two flyers by now.”

Participant: “I’m sure it’s in my car somewhere. I just throw everything that’s not a bill onto the front seat of my car and deal with it later.”

Me: “Well, I did try to call you last week.”

Participant: “I don’t answer calls from phone numbers I don’t recognize, and I know I wouldn’t recognize yours.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “I think we’re left with carrier pigeon.”

Participant: “What?”

Me: “What other means of communication would you suggest? I’ve listed everything I can think of.”

Participant: “Hmmm… Maybe shoot me a text. But not before or after work. You know I live in an area that doesn’t have reception!”

(Her daughter eventually came to the office for a different reason. I sent her home with about five important papers to take to her mom. I’m sure she’ll never see them!)

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Mother Nature Doesn’t Care About Your Convenience

, , , , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(I’m facing shelves near the produce section when a frustrated customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Where are your peaches in produce?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but peaches are out of season. We have canned or frozen ones.”

Customer: “No, I want fresh peaches. Can you check in the back?”

Me: “I’m certain we don’t have them. Fresh peaches won’t be available until the fall. We only have preserved peaches until then.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. How come every single store I go to doesn’t carry fresh peaches? I’ve been driving all over town!”

Me: “No one is going to have them; peach trees only bear fruit in the late summer. At this point in the year, the peaches would just be flowers. Fresh peaches are only available for a limited time each year. “

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Can’t they make them go faster?”

Me: “Peaches are strictly a cold-climate tree, so they can’t bear fruit year-round. All stone fruit trees need winters, then they bloom in the spring, and the peaches themselves take months to grow. Unfortunately, we just have to go by their schedule.”

Customer: “Well, that’s terrible customer service!”

Me: “Sir, the trees are doing the best they can.”

(He went away grumbling. I can understand a person not knowing about agriculture, but expecting prompt service from plants is really out of touch.)

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It’s Like She’s Toying With You

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(I work on a cruise ship as a dishwasher and we’ve just arrived in Stockholm. We’re in quite a rush, and it’s only my coworker and me left to do a huge pile of dishes before we have to lock down the pentry. The bar is already locked down and our supervisors have left. The only set of keys to the bar is three decks down. A few minutes before closing, one of the bartenders brought in a cheap toy — something you get for free when you pick up a piece of candy sold everywhere — which was left behind by some parent and then put it in the now locked-down bar section. The parent suddenly appears in the kitchen, holding his happy-looking baby.)

Parent: “Excuse me, have you guys seen a toy somewhere? I must have left it behind and we need to get off the boat.”

Coworker: “Yes, actually. One of our bartenders took it into the bar, and we’re closed now. They’ve locked all the doors; I’m sorry.”

Parent: “You have to do something! You need to kick in the door! My baby won’t stop crying; he loves that toy!” *the very happy-looking baby laughs*

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we don’t have the keys to the bar, for security reasons. There’s nothing we can do. You can pick up the toy in Stockholm, too; it’s cheap and comes with [Candy].”

Parent: *shouting* “NO! HE WANTS THIS TOY! HE WON’T STOP CRYING! DO SOMETHING!” *the baby giggles*

Coworker: *looks at me, then nods* “All right, sir, I’ll try and call one of our supervisors to bring up the keys.”

Parent: “YES! THANK YOU!”

(No one answers my coworkers call, which isn’t unexpected, since we’ve all been up since 2:00 am and everyone usually goes straight to their cabin to catch up on their sleep.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but they’re not answering. I guess I could run down to the reception and see if the keys are there.”

Parent: *yelling even louder* “YES, YOU WILL! BRING ME MY CHILD’S TOY!”

(My coworker leaves and I’m left alone to try and rush through all the tasks, moving as fast as I can in the very small kitchen. The parent steps in.)

Me: “Sir, please, if you could just wait outside. My coworker is trying to find the keys and we’ll try to help, but I really need the space to do our tasks. She’ll be with you as fast as she can.”

Parent: “When will she get back?”

Me: “As fast as she can.”

Parent: “In two minutes? When will she be back?”

Me: *losing my temper a bit* “Sir, it will take the time it takes. The reception is three decks down and about 750 people are between her and the desk, getting off the boat. Are you sure you can’t pick up the toy in Stockholm? They sell it literally everywhere.”

Parent: “NO! HE WANTS THIS ONE! IT’S VERY IMPORTANT!”

(After a few minutes, my coworker arrived with the keys, looking flustered but happy to be able to help, opened the bar, and handed the toy to the baby. The parent did not say thank you, and the happy-looking, giggling baby started crying the moment he saw the toy. Thanks for nothing, I guess.)

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Their Pie Is A Katy Perry Song

, , , | Right | January 8, 2018

(I am in a local restaurant for lunch. A man and woman at the table next to mine have just been given their meals, which are both some kind of meat pie with potatoes and veggies on the side. They call for the waitress.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me! Our food is almost cold.”

Waitress: “Really? The plates were very hot.”

Male Customer: “No, the plates are hot, but the pie is just barely warm.”

Waitress: “I’m sorry; I’ll go get you new meals.”

(A few minutes later:)

Waitress: “Here you are. I’m so sorry. I spoke to the chef and he said customers have complained the pie was too hot, so he lets it sit outside the oven for a bit before he serves it. This was fresh from the oven; I hope it’s all right for you.”

(They both began to eat and then both put their forks down.)

Male Customer: *to female customer* “This is way too hot; I’ll have to let it cool down.

Female Customer: “Mine is, too.”

(They both sat there for a good five minutes before they could eat their food. I saw the waitress watching them; she seemed to think it was quite amusing.)

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