The Kind Of Guy Who Puts Their Mug Shot On A Mug

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2017

(I’ve been a cashier at a grocery store chain for about six months. I’m one of the few cashiers who isn’t a minor and works nights on the weekends. It’s Saturday at around 10:30 pm when two young men walk up, reeking of weed. I greet them and ring up their order, and I scan some sort of cough syrup, which is an age-restricted item. Policy says we have to ID anyone who is under 40.)

Me: “Can I please see your ID?”

Customer #2: “What the h*** do you need his ID for?”

Me: “Oh.” *holds up cough syrup* “You have to be 18 to buy this.”

Customer #1: “Chill, man. She’s just doing her job.”

(He then searches his pockets and pulls out his phone.)

Customer #1: “I don’t got my ID on me, but I got my mugshot.”

(The customer shows me his phone, where the county sheriff’s department page and, indeed, his mugshot, are on screen.)

Me: “Um, sir, that’s not a valid state-issued ID.”

Customer #1: “It’s not?”

Me: “No, it’s… it’s just a mug-shot. Do you maybe have a license or a military ID?”

Customer #1: “No.”

(Legally, I couldn’t let them purchase the item. While they were mostly polite, the story was just too good to not share.)

Very Human Resources

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2017

(I’m answering phones for a big department store when I get this interesting call.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What can I help you with today?”

Guest: “Can I speak to a human?”

Me: *pauses* “Yes.”

Guest: “Oh, is this a human?”

Me: “Yes, my name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Is your store working today?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Guest: “Like, can I go in and shop?”

Me: “Again, yes.”

Guest: “Well, thank you, human.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. Have a good day.”

Which One Is The Entitlement Lane?

, , , | Right | November 3, 2017

(In my experience lifeguarding, there are some scary categories of customers. For me, the worst is when I have to deal with an angry lane swimmer. Hell hath no fury like a former competitive swimmer having their workout affected. My first job is at a small indoor pool, only 25 meters long and three lanes. Each lane is for a different swimming speed. This one day, the lanes are quite busy, with at least three people in each lane. A swimmer I have never seen before comes out of the change room with a bunch of swim gear. He stares at the pool for a while until he comes over to me.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m a fast swimmer.”

(I wait a bit to see if he’ll add more, but he doesn’t.)

Me: “Okay, well, the middle lane is the fast lane. Do you need any equipment?”

Customer: *stares at the lane* “You see, I’m a fast swimmer. I’m going to be a lot faster than everyone in that lane.”

Me: “Oh, well, the people that are swimming there are really good with working out swimming in the same lane. You see how they are travelling in circles? If you hop in, I’m sure you can figure something out with them.”

(The man doesn’t say anything but continues to stare at me. Thinking he doesn’t like that option, I add more.)

Me: “Or, one of the people in that lane has been swimming for a while; they might be done soon. You could start with a warm up and then wait and see?”

(Again, the man doesn’t say anything.)

Me: “Or, I know the ones in the slow lane don’t swim for very long. If they leave, you could use that lane, but if more people come in, you would have to accommodate them.”

(The man still stares at me awkwardly and I don’t know what else to say.)

Me: “Um, that’s all I can think of for now.”

Customer: “So, you’re not going to kick them out of the lane for me?”

Me: *taken aback* “Uh, no. They got here first and have been swimming for a while now. I don’t even know where I would put them if I got them out of that lane.”

Customer: “But I’m a fast swimmer.”

Me: “Sorry?”

(The customer just emitted an impatient sigh as he stormed past me. I then watched him go up to swimmers, and I thought he was asking them if he could join in the swim. When he stormed out, one of the customers let me know afterwards that he was actually asking when everyone was done swimming.)

You’re Not Going To Phone In The Customer Service

, , , , | Right | November 2, 2017

(A customer asks if she can pull up a coupon on her phone. I tell her that she can and that I’d be happy to show her how. She pulls her phone out of her sweaty breasts and tries to hand it to me. I tell her we’re not supposed to handle customers’ phones. “Plus,” I think to myself, “I am NOT touching your nasty boob-sweat phone.” This conversation follows:)

Me: “Just go to our website.”

Customer: “How?”

Me: “Open your web browser and type in [Website].”

Customer: “How do I open my web browser?”

Me: “I’m not sure, ma’am; I don’t have the same type of phone as you do.”

Customer: *huff* “So, is it the email button?”

Me: “No, like [Browser #1] or [Browser #2].”

Customer: *huff* “Well, I don’t know where that is or how to get there. You do it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know how to work your phone.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “It’s not my phone.”

Better Have A Cast-Iron Excuse For Not Finding It

, , , , | Right | November 2, 2017

Customer: “Can I have an iron?”

Me: “There should be one in your room.”

Customer: “There isn’t!”

Me: “Are you sure? Did you check the closet?”

Customer: “Yes, I did, and there was nothing!”

Me: “Hmm.” *to coworker* “Hey, watch the desk, will you?” *to customer* “Can I go with you to your room and see?”

Customer: “Fine! There’s no iron!”

(We go. I open the closet and there’s an iron in plain view.)

Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh, that closet!” *sees the incredulous look I’m giving him* “Well, I didn’t want to poke around too much! It’s nosy, you know! Thanks!” *pushes me out and slams door*

(I go back to the desk.)

Coworker: “Did you find it?”

Me: *nod* “I’m taking a break.”

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