Doesn’t Understand How Menus Work

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(This is a church festival, and food is made fresh on site and kept warm over burners. We have just opened the food tent when an old lady walks up.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes. All of us in this shirt are volunteers.”

Customer: “Okay, I will take a grilled cheese, some baked beans, and a coffee.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we do not have those items. All of our food items are on that large board over there.”

Customer: “You don’t have those? What kind of place that has food doesn’t have coffee?”

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience; can I interest you in something off the menu?”

Customer: “Unless you put grilled cheese, baked beans, and coffee on it, I don’t want anything.”

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Expects Everything But The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”

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Don’t Know What Lead Them Here

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in a home improvement store, mixing paint.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need some lead-based paint.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lead-based paint.”

Customer: “I bought some here the other day.”

Me: “Lead-based paint has been off the consumer market since 1978, sir; we don’t sell it.”

Customer: *blank stare*

(At this point the customer and the woman with him proceed to walk down the aisle where our paint is kept, swearing they bought lead-based paint from us. They pick up a can of paint and turn it over to read the back of the label.)

Customer: “See?! Right here! Lead-based paint!”

Me: “That’s a warning against sanding on surfaces coated with lead-based paint, sir; it’s printed on every can of paint we sell.”

Customer: “Then what am I holding?!”

Me: “Oil-based paint for metal.”

Both Customers: *blank stare*

Customer: “Can I get it in white?”

Me: “It’s premixed white.”

(They then walked off without saying another word, and I bid them a good rest of the day.)

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Baht Nothing

, , , , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I am at a cafe at the departure lounge of the airport, queueing up behind some tourists heading home. Note: All the notes and coins are clearly marked.)

Tourist: “How much is this bottled water?”

Cashier: “It’s [amount], ma’am.”

Tourist: *shoving some change at the cashier* “Here.”

Cashier: “So sorry, but you are short by [amount].”

Tourist: *gives a note* “Fine. Here. I don’t understand your currency. I want my change in [Home Country’s currency].”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; I can only give you change in Thai Baht.”

Tourist: “This is outrageous! What kind of place is this that you can’t give me change in [Home Country’s currency]?!”

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Enough To Lose One’s Shirt

, , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(I work in a well-known motorcycle dealership. We get a lot of phone calls from people looking for something specific. I get this particular type of call at least once a week.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Dealership]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a shirt and was wondering if you had it?”

Me: “Sure, do you have a part number?”

Customer: “Well, no.”

Me: “That’s okay; can you give me a quick description?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s black and has the [famous logo] on it somewhere.”

Me: “Uh… Well, that sounds like about 90% of our inventory.”

Customer: “Oh, that wasn’t very helpful was it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “It’s all right. I’ll just come in and look; I’m right down the road.”

Me: *internal screaming* “Sounds great. We look forward to seeing you.”

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