Preying On The Stupid

, , , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I work in a large chain pet store and approach three well-dressed college-age men to help them.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you guys find anything?”

Customer: “I’m interested in falconry. Do you guys sell birds of prey?”

Me: *startled* “No.”

Customer: “Do you know where we could buy any?”

Me: “No, sir. In fact, I’m thinking that hawks and falcons are going to be really hard to get a hold of. And there’s probably special licensing involved…”

Customer: *obviously not listening* “What size cage would you need for a bird of prey?”

Me: “You’d need a very, very large cage…”

Customer: *points to a small hummingbird feeder* “Could you keep a bird of prey in this?”

Me: “…no.”

Customer: *pointing at a slightly larger hummingbird feeder* “What about this?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a bird feeder.”

(To this day, I’m still not sure if it was a prank or not!)

The Supreme Court Handles Gay Rights, The Constitution, And Free Desserts

, , , | Right | September 3, 2017

(A man orders a piece of salmon at our restaurant. Later, he complains that the one on the menu looks bigger than what he gets. After the customer argues with the server and the manager for about 15 minutes, the manager reluctantly takes 25% off his entrée. This exchange occurs when he sees his server again:)

Customer: “How about you give me a dessert for free and we’ll call it even?”

Server: “No.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Server: “It is even, sir. We have already taken 25% off your dish, even though it’s against our restaurant’s policy. There is nothing I can do to change that.”

Customer: “Well, what the f*** is this?”

Server: “[Restaurant] in [City, State].”

Customer: “I want a dessert for free to make things even!”

Server: “Sir, I can’t do th—”

Customer: “I will go to the f****** U.S. Supreme Court if I have to!”

Server: “You do that. Have a nice night.”

(The man [and his wife?] didn’t leave a tip, but a nearby table enjoyed the comedy show and left enough to cover it.)

Are Jew Crazy?!

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2017

(A waiter has called me out, as there is a couple refusing to pay.)

Me: “What appears to be the problem?”

Customer: “Our waiter isn’t Jewish, and I have it on good authority that I am not permitted to accept service from non-Jewish persons.”

Me: “Did you ask if she was Jewish?”

Customer: “I did.”

(I look at the waiter and she taps her watch.)

Me: “When?”

Customer: “Does it matter?”

Me: “It doesn’t, but I’m trying to decide whether you willfully ordered knowing my waiter wasn’t Jewish, or it was an afterthought, in which case you should have noted with us that you preferred a Jewish waiter. Either way, you’re paying, or I will be getting the police involved.”

(She opens her mouth, but her husband interrupts and offers to pay with his card. I take him over to our card reader.)

Customer’s Husband: “Sorry about that. She’s full of herself.”

Me: “That’s quite all right. I didn’t even know that was a Jewish custom.”

Husband: “She doesn’t either.”

Me: “She doesn’t?”

Husband: “Like I said, she’s full of herself. She isn’t Jewish and hasn’t claimed to be before today…”

Me: *speechless*

Only A Token Kindness

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2017

(Our supermarket gives a blue token to all customers, so they can choose a local charity to benefit from the bag charges. On this day, a woman has just spent £250 when the following takes place.)

Me: “Thank you for shopping with us today. Here is your receipt, and a token to put in on your way out.”

Customer: “I only get one?!”

Me: “I’m sorry; what do you mean?”

Customer: “I have spent £250 today at this shop, and I only get one token! This is appalling. I deserve more!”

Me: “Well, the token policy is one per customer, per transaction, so you can’t have more than one, despite spending a large amount here.”

Customer: *sighs loudly, leans over the checkout, and grabs a handful of tokens from my tub and marches off*

Me: “Did that just happen?”

What A Hot-Head

, , | Right | September 1, 2017

(A customer has ordered an Americano with hot milk, which we serve in small jugs on the side. It’s quiet, so it doesn’t take me long to make the coffee, and take it over. It’s also a warm summer’s day.)

Customer: “This milk isn’t hot enough.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll make you another now.”

(I make a new lot of milk, heat it up past boiling point with the steamer, pour immediately, and take it over.)

Customer: “My coffee’s cold now.”

Me: “I can make you another of those, too, quickly. Sorry!”

(I make another coffee, and immediately take it over.)

Customer: “Neither of these are hot enough! What is wrong with your machine? I want it VERY HOT!”

Me: *a bit irritated now* “I’m sorry, but that’s literally the hottest I can make it. The coffee machine makes the espresso with hot water to around 95 degrees Celsius, because otherwise the coffee burns, and that milk was actually boiled, which I’m not really supposed to do… I’m sorry, but I can’t make it any hotter.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I want to see your supervisor.”

Me: “I am the supervisor on this shift. And I’m sorry, but 95 degrees is considered optimal for coffee, and with boiling point milk, I really can’t do much more.”

Customer: “Urgh, forget it. I suppose I’ll just have to drink it. But you really should consider PEOPLE, not just the MACHINE.”

(She then continued reading her paper in a very huffy way, while her way-too-hot-to-drink coffee sat there for a good five minutes more, cooling.)

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