He Wasn’t In The Upper Sixtieth Percentile Of His Math Class

, , , , | Right | October 14, 2017

(I work as a cashier at a national arts and crafts retailer with an expansive framing department. Because of this, frame sales are run by individual collection, not style. A man and his wife approach the register with a pair of frames.)

Customer: “Now, the sign back there said, ‘Buy one, get one free.’”

(I ring them both, and they come up as on sale, but not BOGO.)

Me: “Actually, sir, these aren’t the collection we’re running buy-one-get-one on. They are on sale, though.”

Customer: “What? Can you double-check?”

(I do a quick price check, and they actually come up at 60% off each.)

Me: “Well, you’re in luck, sir; you’re actually going to get more off this way than if they were BOGO.”

Customer: “But they’re not buy-one-get-one?”

Me: “Well, no, sir, but they’re 60% off.”

Customer: “But that’s not what the sign says.”

Me: “I know, sir, but buy-one-get-one comes out to 50% off each, and these are on sale for 60% off each.”

Customer: “The sign says buy one get one free.”

(The customer’s wife starts to snicker.)

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, sir.”

Customer: “I just want to pay what the sign says.”

Me: “Sir, you’ll pay more that way. Two 60%-off totals is more off than one full price and one free. There’s a 20% difference—”

Customer: “But the signs says—”

Customer’s Wife: *laughing* “[Customer], just pay for them.”

(The man grudgingly paid. His wife, now tearing up from laughing, winked and waved at me on the way out the door. He proceeded to rant loudly about “what the sign said” the whole way to the parking lot. I’m sorry you saved $4?)

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 13

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(It’s a quiet Sunday morning, and I’m the only cashier. An older man who looks at least 70 hobbles up to my register and places a shirt on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to get this shirt, and I was told you could also take the sensor tag off these pants I’m wearing so I can buy them.”

Me: “Uh, the pants you have on right now? They’re from here?”

Customer: “Yes. Trying them on tuckered me out, and the girl in the fitting room said you could remove the sensor tag up here at the register.”

(Our sensor-removers are secured to the counter, and I know for a fact that there’s no way this man could manage holding his leg up to get the sensor tag taken off. I stammer for a moment before remembering an unattached sensor tag remover we used for our express lane on Black Friday months ago.)

Me: “Right! Let me just see if someone can get us the sensor-remover we need.”

(I ask over the radio and receive some confusion over why I would need it, but eventually my manager says she’ll go to the lock box in the back and get it.)

Me: “All right, [Manager] is just grabbing that sensor-remover, and then you’ll be good to go!”

Customer: “But I was told that you could remove the sensor tag.”

Me: “Yeah, we can; it’s just that our normal removers are attached to the counter. [Manager] is grabbing the unattached one right now.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve already stood here longer than I can handle. If I have to go take the pants off, I just won’t buy them.”

Me: “No, it’s all right. The sensor-remover is on its way up right now; don’t worry.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was told the sensor could be removed. I won’t buy the pants if I have to go take them off.”

(I’m taken aback by how angry the customer is getting, but thankfully my confused manager arrives at that moment with the unattached remover. I go around the counter and have to crouch down to try and remove the sensor at the bottom of the customer’s pants leg. It’s a tricky process, and I notice the man is balancing on one foot, so I tell him he can put his foot down if it would make him more comfortable.)

Customer: “Actually, I have an open sore on that foot.”

Me: *freezes* “Uh, where is that exactly, so I don’t bump it?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just on the bottom of my foot.”

(With that gross image in mind, I was finally able to get the sensor removed from the pants. I then had to pull all the tags and stickers off of the pants, getting much closer and more touchy-feely with the customer than I would have ever wanted to. He left without so much as a “thank you,” and I promptly took a much needed break to shake off the heebie-jeebies the whole interaction gave me.)

The Customer Is Always… You

, , , , | Working | October 13, 2017

(Our team has just had a meeting where we were shown how important reading our customers’ minds are, and how important it is to imitate them.)

Me: *whispering* “I can’t believe that the boss expects us to now read the customers’ minds! What are we, psychic?! And imitating?”

Coworker: “I guess that means we’ll be expected to act angry and upset all the time. And customers have no minds, so…”

(His comment made me laugh hard after that terrible meeting.)

Will Only Accept Five-Eighths Of The Colonoscopy

, , , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(This is at the tail end of a LOOONG list of very strange specifications that my grandpa has given my mom when she shops for his groceries. Mom can’t help but regale me with them, and I think this gem sticks out among the rest.)

Mom: “And then he was very emphatic on me just getting five eighths of a pound of meat.”

Me: “Not a half a pound or anything? Five eighths?!”

Mom: “Five. Eighths.”

Me: “FFFIIIVE EIGHTHS.”

Mom: “He wouldn’t take anything else.”

Me: “I think you should schedule a colonoscopy for him, because he’s getting pretty anal!”

Return Of The Couponater

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(We’re having our big spring sale and the store is very busy. A man comes up to my register and I ring up over $200 worth of merchandise for him. He shows me his phone with a popular third-party coupon collection app pulled up and a one-word coupon code listed. We currently only have one in-store coupon out, and that’s definitely not it.)

Me: “I’m sorry; that looks like an online-only coupon. I can try it, but I don’t think it’ll work.”

(I type in the code and, as expected, a message pops up stating that the discount cannot be used in-store.)

Customer: “You mean to tell me that your company puts out coupons that can only be used online and not in the store?”

Me: “Actually, a lot of companies do that. The online store often has different sales than we do.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying that I could buy all of this crap online for a cheaper price, because that’s the only way this coupon will work?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. We’re having a big sale right now in the store. I can almost guarantee that everything online is full price, plus you’d have to pay for shipping. That’s why they put out those codes, in order to get you to order the full-priced items online. I think you’re getting a better deal in the store, even without the coupon.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? This is no way to run a business!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I can offer you the in-store coupon we do have right now for $15 off your purchase, but that’s all I can do.”

Customer: “Fine. Add that on, and I’ll look up another coupon.”

(I try to explain that coupons don’t usually combine like that, but the customer ignores me. He then proceeds to spend the next ten minutes staring at his phone, looking through coupons on the third-party app. He finally finds one to his liking, and shows his phone to me again.)

Me: “That coupon gave me the same message: ‘Cannot be used in stores’.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Fine, I’ll just pay for this now. But let me tell you: this is no way to run a business. I don’t know how you guys survive by being this dishonest.”

(The customer ended up coming back a few hours later, having signed up for the email list, which sends a percentage-off coupon. I then had to return his entire purchase, and re-buy it with the new code. Luckily, this one worked!)

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