Looking For Someone To Help, 18+

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2017

(An older customer enters the shop. He’s from somewhere in the Balkans and doesn’t speak German very well. Usually he just walks past our counter to enter the 18+ section, for which we have to ID people. This time, however, he stops in front of the counter and pulls a sheet of paper out of his jacket. It’s a letter from the town council that says he has been approved to employ somebody to help him in his home. He points towards the part where he’s circled the salary.)

Customer: “Look, here.”

Me: *glancing at the letter* “Umm, what about it?” *wondering if he needs something explained*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “I’m not sure what you want me to do.”

Customer: “Would you do that?”

Me: “Are you asking me if I would work for you?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *taken aback* “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have a full-time job here that I really like, and I’m not looking for anything else. Besides, I’m not even qualified. I think you have to go to the job-center or one of the social services agencies.”

Customer: “But you did… social?”

Me: “No, I didn’t. Ever.”

(I have a former coworker who was in training as a child-care worker, with whom he has probably confused me, but I’m not in the mood to point that out.)

Customer: “But you could still…”

Me: “No. I’m neither qualified nor interested. I can’t help you with that.”

Customer: *looks crestfallen and shuffles towards the 18+ section*

(I don’t know what’s worse: That he just asked a random person without proper qualification to work for him and take care of him, or that he actually expected me to knowingly work for a horny old man who reeks of baby powder and watches porn regularly.)

Should Be Angrier That Your Husband Forgot Your Name

, , , | Right | November 26, 2017

(I work in a hotel.)

Caller: “Can I have Room 400?”

(As we were trained, I ask for the name of the person that he wants to speak with.)

Caller: “Just give me Room 400!”

Me: “Sir, I cannot transfer you over there unless you give me the right name.”

Caller: *curses and hangs up*

(I forget all about it until a few moments later. The phone rings and I pick it up.)

Caller: “[Guest]! Can I have [Guest]’s room, please?! Room 400!”

(I check it and it’s correct, so I transfer it. A few moments later, the guest and a man come over with angry expressions.)

Guest: “I’m [Guest]! This was my husband trying to get connected to me because our daughter was in the hospital! Why didn’t you transfer him immediately?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our policy is not to transfer unless they know your name.”

Guest: “It was an emergency!”

Me: “It helps stop scammers.”

Guest: “HE WAS NO SCAMMER! HE WAS MY HUSBAND! MANAGER, NOW!”

(No matter how we tried to placate her, she would not stop screaming. What a cuckoo.)

Got The Corner Doll Market Cornered

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2017

(I’m in the toy section, going up and down aisles. An associate approaches.)

Associate: “Hi, do you need help finding anything today?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I need a motion-activated toy that makes noise.”

Associate: “What?”

Me: “Yes. I was looking for a spy toy, but a doll or whatever would do just as well.”

Associate: “Um… a toy that does make noise when someone walks by?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Associate: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh, it’s for my cat.”

Associate: *stares blankly*

Me: “He’s skittish and keeps peeing in the corner, so I’m going to put a motion-sensor toy over there so that every time he goes into the corner, it will scare him off.”

Associate: *realization dawning that I must be a crazy person* “Oooh! Well, we’ve got these dolls over here.”

The Final Reset

, , , , , , | Related | November 25, 2017

My parents live in an area which has frequent blackouts. They are so technophobic and techno-ignorant that they don’t know how to reset the clocks on any of the electronics in their house. Each time the power was restored after a blackout, they would call my son to go over and reset everything.

When this first began, our son was just beginning high school and got a little kick out of it.

It wasn’t as fun for him when he moved an hour away to attend college, but he did the task for them without complaining.

However, when he graduated and was living and working half a state away that chore got old quickly.

After a very bad storm, my husband and I drove to my parents’ to fix some damage. A few hours later, we were taking a break and chatting when we heard the front door open.

It was our son. My parents had called him to reset the clocks even though they knew my husband and I would be there!

Without saying a word, our son walked through the room to the stereo, covered the flashing lights with electrical tape, turned, and left.

That was the last time my parents asked him to make a special trip to reset the clocks.

A Bird-Brained Request

, , , , , | Right | November 24, 2017

(A gentleman storms in angrily through the door.)

Guest: “I am furious! I parked my car under the tree and birds s*** all over it!”

(I almost start laughing but I realize he is serious.)

Me: “I am so sorry, sir.”

Him: “You need to put signs on the trees warning about the birds pooping on cars.”

Me: “Sir, you want us to put signs on every tree warning not to park there because there are pooping birds in the trees?”

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