Will Only Accept Five-Eighths Of The Colonoscopy

, , , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(This is at the tail end of a LOOONG list of very strange specifications that my grandpa has given my mom when she shops for his groceries. Mom can’t help but regale me with them, and I think this gem sticks out among the rest.)

Mom: “And then he was very emphatic on me just getting five eighths of a pound of meat.”

Me: “Not a half a pound or anything? Five eighths?!”

Mom: “Five. Eighths.”

Me: “FFFIIIVE EIGHTHS.”

Mom: “He wouldn’t take anything else.”

Me: “I think you should schedule a colonoscopy for him, because he’s getting pretty anal!”

Return Of The Couponater

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(We’re having our big spring sale and the store is very busy. A man comes up to my register and I ring up over $200 worth of merchandise for him. He shows me his phone with a popular third-party coupon collection app pulled up and a one-word coupon code listed. We currently only have one in-store coupon out, and that’s definitely not it.)

Me: “I’m sorry; that looks like an online-only coupon. I can try it, but I don’t think it’ll work.”

(I type in the code and, as expected, a message pops up stating that the discount cannot be used in-store.)

Customer: “You mean to tell me that your company puts out coupons that can only be used online and not in the store?”

Me: “Actually, a lot of companies do that. The online store often has different sales than we do.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying that I could buy all of this crap online for a cheaper price, because that’s the only way this coupon will work?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. We’re having a big sale right now in the store. I can almost guarantee that everything online is full price, plus you’d have to pay for shipping. That’s why they put out those codes, in order to get you to order the full-priced items online. I think you’re getting a better deal in the store, even without the coupon.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? This is no way to run a business!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I can offer you the in-store coupon we do have right now for $15 off your purchase, but that’s all I can do.”

Customer: “Fine. Add that on, and I’ll look up another coupon.”

(I try to explain that coupons don’t usually combine like that, but the customer ignores me. He then proceeds to spend the next ten minutes staring at his phone, looking through coupons on the third-party app. He finally finds one to his liking, and shows his phone to me again.)

Me: “That coupon gave me the same message: ‘Cannot be used in stores’.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Fine, I’ll just pay for this now. But let me tell you: this is no way to run a business. I don’t know how you guys survive by being this dishonest.”

(The customer ended up coming back a few hours later, having signed up for the email list, which sends a percentage-off coupon. I then had to return his entire purchase, and re-buy it with the new code. Luckily, this one worked!)

Don’t Waist Your Time On Him

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(A customer on his phone approaches me.)

Me: “Can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, but I’m afraid it might be unethical.”

Me: *slightly worried* “Well, what is it I can do for you today?”

Customer: *turns around and pulls down the waistband of his jeans* “So, my wife is next door getting me new pants, and I can’t remember what size I am. Would you mind taking a look at the tag?”

Caller Isn’t Operating

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(I work for an Internet service provider, as a tech support operator.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company] support. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help today?”

Customer: “Yeah, mate, I can’t get into my computer.”

Me: “Do you mean your Internet? Are you having trouble accessing websites?”

Customer: “No, my computer is asking for a password and I can’t remember what it is!”

Me: “What else do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s all blue with a picture and a box asking for my password.”

Me: *realising what’s going on* “Okay, that sounds like you’re having problems with your operating system. It might be better for you to call [Computer Company], as they are better equipped to handle these kinds of problems.”

Customer: “Why? I’ve called you guys before and you’ve fixed this for me! I want you to fix it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s outside of my power.”

Customer: “This is pathetic; you have to be the worst employee [ISP] has. I have the CEO’s personal number; I’m calling him now to get you fired!” *click*

Me: *stares at my coworker, dumbfounded*

(Six months on, I still have my job.)

Wish You Could Dell-ete

, , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

(I work on a busy sales floor. An urgent page goes out for a salesperson. My phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Big Defunct Computer Retailer]. I am [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need your price on a [Brand] computer, model [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; we don’t sell [Brand].”

Caller: “Can you tell me more about [Brand]?”

Me: “As I said, we don’t sell [Brand], but let me tell you about our computer line. They are great, and I think you will find that they are as good as or better than [Brand].”

Caller: “I just really want to know about [Brand]. My company’s contract only allows me to buy [Brand].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I can’t help you with that. Is there anything else you would like today?”

Caller: “I’m very disappointed; you should be able to help me with my [Brand] questions. This is very poor customer service!

Me: “Since you can’t buy from us, are you really a customer?”

(The “customer” grumbled and hung up.)

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