Internet Snark Provider

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(It is the early days of the Internet. The Internet provider for which I work is fairly small and only provides dial-up service. Customers have the option of telnetting into a shell account to connect. We also provide Internet service for a couple of local Internet cafes.)

Me: “Welcome to [ISP]. May I help you?”

Cafe Owner: “Hi, this is [Cafe Owner] at [Internet Cafe]. I have a customer who has an account with you and needs help getting into their shell account.”

Me: “Sure, just put them on the line.”

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “No problem.”

(I walk her through the not-too-complicated steps of opening a telnet session and signing in. This takes quite a while, as the customer isn’t familiar with the process at all.)

Me: “And now you’ll enter your username.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Uh. Okay, well, it’s often the first initial and last name.” 

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “And then the password.”

Customer: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Are you sure you entered the password correctly?”

Customer: “Yeah. Oh, I know what it is. My account is at [Rival ISP].”

Me: “Sure. Uh, I’m not familiar with their information, but try [Rival ISP] dot net for the host?” *total stab in the dark*

Customer: “Oh, that worked. Great! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, I’m glad to help. In the future, though, you might want to consider calling [Rival ISP] when you need help? They’re your provider and will have all the information you need.”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

(The customer abruptly flipped out on me, yelling and cursing, even though I had been nothing but polite throughout the whole transaction, and so had she, up until then. I had to put my manager on the phone, and he told her that she should have called her ISP in the first place!)

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Being A Real A**pirin

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(I work in a hotel.)

Me: “What can I do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: *whispering* “Yes, do you have an aspirin?”

(We cannot give out any medicine because if the customer has a reaction to it, we could be held liable for a lawsuit.)

Me: “No… I’m sorry, we cannot give out medicine.”

Customer: “Where’s the nearest place I can buy it?”

Me: “The nearest pharmacy is thirteen blocks away down the street to the west.”

Customer: “That’s too far!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t change it.”

Customer: *dramatically* “Well! I guess I’ll just suffer, then!” *storms off flat-footed*

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She Has A Earing Problem

, , | Right | March 26, 2020

(I work with five other people as a cashier at a large furniture store, and one of the responsibilities is to answer the phones. One afternoon, my coworker picks up a call.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. This is [Coworker]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m wondering why you haven’t called me yet.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, do you have an order with us? May I have your phone number, so I can look it up?”

Caller: “No, I don’t have an order. I was in your store a month ago and lost an earring, and I’m wondering why you haven’t called to tell me you found it.”

Coworker: “Okay. Did you come to the front counter after you lost it, so we could take down your information?”

Caller: “You should have known to call me! Haven’t you found it yet? What is wrong with you people?! Don’t you clean your store?”

(Our store is pretty big, about the size of a regular grocery store. Finding a needle in a haystack is a gross understatement.)

Coworker: “I apologize, ma’am, but no one has turned in any jewelry. I’m also not sure how we would have contacted you without your information, had it turned up.”

Caller: “I bet you kept it for yourself. It was worth hundreds of dollars. This is unbelievable.”

Coworker: “I assure you, ma’am, we have not found any earrings. I am sorry. I can still take down your information if you’d—”

Caller: *click*

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No One Wants To Be The Guinea Pig For THAT Business Venture

, , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I am at the register ringing up a couple buying bedding and toys for their guinea pig.)

Me: “Hi, did you find what you were looking for today?”

Woman: “I think so. I had a question, though.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help?”

Woman: “Well, I had two guinea pigs, and one of them just died. Would it be a good idea to change out all of the bedding?”

Man: “Yeah, I mean, she can probably smell the dead one in her cage now.”

Woman: *gives him a dirty look* “I just wanted to make sure she felt comfortable now that she doesn’t have a playmate anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Pets are always a part of the family. It definitely wouldn’t hurt if you’re worried about that.”

Man: “She’s just getting too worked up about this. It’s just a guinea pig. She probably won’t know the difference.”

(They quietly argue about the deceased guinea pig. I ring up their purchases and thank them for stopping in. Right before they leave, the man turns back to me.)

Man: “You don’t happen to sell guinea pig coffins, do you?”

(The woman literally dragged him out by the collar of his shirt.)

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The Ensuing Argument Will Not Be Nano

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I work for an electronic store in the service department in 2013. A couple walks up to me with a five-year-old iPod Nano.)

Customer: “This got some water on it; is it busted?”

(The iPod has water in the screen sloshing around and no power at all.)

Me: “Was this dropped in a sink or something?”

Customer: “It got some food on it.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry, but it’s done for.”

(The customer turns to look at the guy she is with.)

Customer: “This is all your fault! If it wasn’t your motherf****** food I had to get… You owe me a new iPad!”

(Again, she had a very old Nano, not an iPad. The man looked at me while the customer walked away cursing and gave me a look that said, “Kill me now,” before turning and walking away.)

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