(We just opened for service. Our first customer of the day comes in.)

Customer: “Hi, do you guys take [credit card name]?”

Coworker: “No, sorry, sir.”

(The customer leaves, but he comes back about an hour later.)

Customer: “Hi! Do you guys take [credit card name]?”

Coworker: “Nope, sorry. But we take checks!”

Customer: “Nope, that doesn’t work. Thanks anyway.”

(An hour later, he comes back.)

Customer: “Still not taking [credit card name]?”

Coworker: “Nope, sorry!”

Customer: “Okay…”

(He leaves, again. An hour later..)

Customer: “NOW do you take [credit card name]?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we do not.”

Customer: “Jeez, I’m never coming back here! You guys never take [credit card name]!”

(He storms out. At the end of the day…)

Customer: “So, how about now?”

(A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

Me: “We’ve got over thirty different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

Me: “A pizza with thirty toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

Me: “Do you like olives?”

Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

Me: “Anchovies?”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

Customer: “Ugh, no!”

(We repeat this for twenty-five more items.)

Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in thirty minutes.”

Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

(A customer is buying furniture to be delivered and assembled by our tech.)

Customer: “I have cats, so whoever you send over must not be allergic.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “Make sure he’s a vegetarian, too.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “He has to have brown hair, and an earring, but no tattoos. He needs to be good at sports.”

Me: “I don’t think we can do all that.”

Customer: “He needs to know a language other than English.”

Me: “You’re just kidding, right?”

Customer: “Yes. Just stick with the no cat allergy request.”

Me: “Alright then.”

(It is tax season and our office is extremely busy. My boss meets with a very talkative client, his wife and their bored toddler late on the weekend in our office. It takes several hours to complete their tax return forms, but the family finally leaves with smiles. They seem very pleased with our work. The next morning we get an irate phone call.)

Client: “I am unhappy with the return you have provided me, and I want a refund!”

Boss: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you aren’t satisfied; what is the problem?”

Client: “It cost too much!”

Boss: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. When you were here, I went over all the fees with you. You agreed to us doing more work, and filing additional forms. You received $3,800 more in tax refunds, correct?”

Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

Boss: “And you only paid $300 extra to get that additional $3,800 refund. You are coming out ahead $3,500, correct?”

Client: “Yes, that is correct.”

Boss: “Then I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Client: “The problem is, I went home and did my return online. It cost a great deal less. I do not need your return anymore, and I am wanting a refund!”

Boss: “Excuse me?”

Client: “Yes, it was very easy to do.”

(My boss is livid, but is trying to stay calm and professional.)

Boss: “It was easy because I did all the research and work. I explained everything to you, and you had a copy of the return I had completed with you. I’m sorry; the return has already been filed with the government and we can’t pull it back, so we cannot give you a refund.”

Client: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! You have a satisfaction guarantee! I am not satisfied and I DEMAND A REFUND!”

Boss: “Sir, you were perfectly satisfied with our product. What you are saying is like going to a restaurant and happily eating, going home, cooking dinner and eating again, and then demanding that the restaurant give you a refund because your cooking was cheaper! We will not refund your money!”

(Several months later, we receive notice that the client is being audited by the IRS for making false statements on his return. We also find out that the past year he has filed illegally and received a tax return for several thousand dollars that he did not earn. If he is found guilty, he will be severely fined, and possibly jailed.)

This story is part of the Tax Day roundup!

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(On Saturdays, my boss buys pizzas for all employees, but wants to cut costs so has an employee pick them up instead of getting them delivered. Note: I am a 110 lb. female and this takes place in Detroit.)

Boss: “[My Name], can you go pick up three pizzas from [pizza place]?”

Me: “It’s kind of far away, and I have a lot to do. Can you send someone else?”

Boss: “Everyone else is busy, too. And there’s one on the corner a few blocks over.”

Me: “Do you mean the one on [street name] and [street name]? I can’t go there, at least not alone.”

Boss: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “It’s a dangerous neighborhood and I’m not comfortable. I’m a small teenage girl. A girl about my age got raped in that area just a few days ago. I don’t want to end up raped or murdered while picking up pizza. I’d gladly go get one from the farther one if I stayed on the clock and if I wasn’t busy with so many dog baths.”

Boss: “Well, I’m your boss and I say you have to go get the pizza from [closer pizza place].”

(At this point, one of our vet techs, who is male, overhears our argument and steps in.)

Coworker: “Wait, what, Dr. [boss]? You want to send a tiny girl into the middle of Detroit alone just to save a couple bucks delivery fee? No. I’m not even busy! I can go get the pizza!”

Boss: “I want [my name] to do it because I told her to!”

Coworker: “But it’s not safe!”

Boss: “But. I. Told. Her. To.”

(I ended up staying at the clinic and my coworker went to get the pizza without telling our boss. To this day, he thinks he got what he wanted.)