(I am working tech support for a large company. We are strongly discouraged from giving any caller a flat “no,” no matter how strange the request. We’ve just recently rolled out a new mailing list, which already gets hundreds of messages daily.)

Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you could help me. I sent out an email this morning with information about the new mailing list, but I made a typo in the name of the mailing list.”

Me: “Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. If you’d like, I can help you recall the email you sent and correct the typo.”

Caller: “No, I don’t want to do that. Just change the name of the list to be the same as in my email.”

Me: “Er… are you the owner of this list?”

Caller: “No, I was just sending the information out to all my execs. But now they have the wrong name for the list! You have to change the list to match my email!”

Me: “I’m afraid that only the owner of the list can change the name. Besides, a lot of people are already using this list, so if I change the name they won’t be able to use it anymore. Perhaps you can send out another email with a correction?”

Caller: “I don’t care about that! If I send out a correction now, it’ll make me look bad. Just change the name of the list to match what’s in my email!”

Me: “…So, let me get this straight: instead of admitting or correcting your typo, you want me to change the universe to make it match your mistake?”

Caller: “Yes!”

(I work in a small independent music shop in the UK. Although our shelf space is limited, we have a pretty good reputation, because of the musical knowledge of our staff and our ability to source and order some really obscure CDs.)

Customer: “Do you have [certain CD] in stock?”

Me: “I’m afraid that we don’t have it at the moment.”

(I quickly checking our database, I find that we’ve never had any requests for it until today.)

Me: “I can source it for you. Would you like to place an order?”

Customer: “I need it today. I’m going back to the States tomorrow.”

Me: “I’m sorry; the suppliers of this disc usually take a couple of days to get things to us.”

Customer: *looking hugely put out* “Well, can you send it to San Francisco?”

Me: “Yes, that should be fine.”

Customer: “I guess you’ll drop the shipping costs, seeing how you didn’t have it in stock when I asked.”

Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t policy in this shop. We don’t pretend to be able to keep in stock any CD our customers might ask for, after all. But if you—”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I know what this is. This is Britain muddling through, isn’t it? Just sixty years ago, you won the war; now you can’t even keep a CD in stock.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re only a very small shop, and there’s a lot of CDs—”

Customer: “Oh, yes, my friend said you’d try to make excuses, and she’s a Professor, you know. But look!” *holding up three CDs she’d like to buy* “I’m keeping you in business! Britain, muddling through!”

(It is the 1990s. We have ‘marks’ as our currency. I work in the grocery store, and my duty is to sell fish and other seafood. A woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you change this thousand mark bill into one 500, four 100s, one 50, four 10s, and ten coins of 1 mark?”

Me: “I’m sorry madam, I can’t. I don’t have a cash register here at all and I’m afraid that even cashiers aren’t allowed to change a thousand mark bill because it is early on Saturday morning and we need to have small change in our cash registers. But there’s no harm asking; the cash registers are over there.”

Customer: “No, no, I meant that can you change this from your own money?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m a college student and work here only part-time and since I’ve just paid my rent, I don’t even have that kind of money in my bank account.”

Customer: “I’m not interested in what you have or don’t have in your bank account. I want you to change this for me. Take the money from your pockets.”

Me: “Well, as I don’t have that kind of money in my bank account, unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of money in my pockets, either.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Show me your pockets!”

Me: *showing* “As you can see, the only thing in my pocket is this handkerchief.”

Customer: “But you are a woman, you surely have a handbag, don’t you?”

Me: “Well, yes I do.”

Customer: “So, where is it?”

Me: “It’s in my locker, in our locker room.”

Customer: “So, why won’t you go to your handbag and fetch the money from there?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t leave, because I’m the only seller here right now, and it wouldn’t be any use anyway. I can assure you that I don’t have 1000 marks in my purse either.”

Customer: “So, why do you work here if you can’t even help a customer by changing my bill into smaller bills and coins?”

Me: “I work here because I need to finance my studies.”

Customer: “Some fine financing! I can’t believe you won’t be able, or willing, to help me out!”

(A young couple known for having drug problems regularly hangs out at our store. One day, the girl is so high she trips over her own feet and falls outside our door. Her boyfriend makes a huge fuss and claim we have to pay for it because she ruined it at our property. We check with our main office and discover we have no legal duty to pay her. A few weeks pass before they show up at our store again.)

Me: “Welcome to [store], how can I help you?”

Girl: “Don’t you remember me? I fell outside of here. It’s your store’s fault because the ground was uneven. That’s dangerous.”

(The ground outside was fine, and had been when she fell, but I didn’t want to argue.)

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember that, I hope you feel better from that fall.”

Girl: “Well, my phone got broken.”

Me: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

Girl: “It’s your store’s fault it got broken. You should pay up so I can buy a new one.”

Me: “How is it broken?”

Girl: “The screen is broken and nothing works. I can’t read messages or take calls or anything. It’s just ruined.”

Me: “Well, here’s the address to the main office, you can mail them and make your claim.”

Girl: “No. I need the cash.”

Me: “I can’t give out cash for a broken phone I haven’t seen, for a price I don’t even know is legit.”

(The girl grumbles and cusses for a while, but agrees to write up a claim to send. Meanwhile, her phone starts to ring and she answers it, talking to her boyfriend.)

Me: “Was that the ruined phone?”

Girl: “Yes, look at that crack!”

(She shows me a small hairline crack at the side, but it’s otherwise functioning properly.)

Me: “You said it couldn’t even make phone calls.”

Girl: *turns a pale and walks out without a word*

(Thankfully, we never saw her again.)

(I work in a customer service call center for a health plan that is also a cooperative; it’s the kind where it’s both your insurance and your doctors. On this particular call, a woman is upset because one of her claims was denied, after the referral she’d requested for the service had also been denied.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why my claims are denying.”

Me: “Ma’am, did you receive the referral letter we sent you that said that this service was denied?”

Customer: “Well, yes, but it seemed like there was a mistake, so I just threw it out!”

Me: “You threw it out?! Ma’am, do you understand that that denial letter is a legal document that states we are in no way going to cover these services? Why didn’t you call us if you thought it was mistake?”

Customer: “Well I figured if it was a mistake, you guys would just find it and then I could go have this done and it would be covered!”

Me: “Do you realize that we process thousands of referrals to authorize a day? How are we supposed to know that what you requested is wrong, if you don’t tell us?”

Customer: “Don’t put this on me! You denied the referral! It was a mistake! I don’t have to pay! You have to pay!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not our fault you threw it away and did nothing about it. We are not going to pay for these services.”

Customer: “You are going to pay! You should have known I would throw it in the trash! You will pay! You will pay!” *click*