I Prefer My Coffee Improper, Myself

, , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(A customer and his wife come to the bar.)

Me: “Hi! What can I get you today?”

Customer: “A diet [soda] and, uh… Do you do coffee?”

Me: “Yup, of course! What can I get you?”

Customer: “Can you do a latte?”

Me: “Sure, no worries!”

Customer: “No, no, a proper latte.”

Me: “Uh, a latte, yeah.”

Customer: “No, a proper latte.”

Me: “Uh… What’s an improper latte?”

(His wife is giggling away to herself, and he and I are staring at one another totally blankly.)

Me: “Okay… I’ll just make your latte for you, sir.”

Me: *bringing over the drinks* “Is that latte… um… proper enough for you, sir?”

(His wife is totally cracking up.)

Customer: “Uh. Yes.”

(They were perfectly pleasant, but to this day I’ve no idea what he might have thought I’d have accidentally given him instead of his “proper” latte.)

Diamonds Are Not A Cheap-Skates Best Friend

, , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(I work in the fine jewelry section of a well-known department store. Two elderly ladies, a mother and daughter, come up one day, wanting a pair of diamond studs for their very young granddaughter/great-granddaughter.)

Mother: “Which diamonds were on sale today for the $199.99 price?”

Me: “That would be these right here.”

Mother: “Oh, no, those look awful! They’re so cloudy.”

Me: “Unfortunately, those are promotional diamonds, so while they are a better price, they’re very likely to be cloudy or have visible inclusions.”

Daughter: *gesturing to another set* “These look small enough for her. How much are they?”

Me: “Let’s see… The original price is [several hundred dollars], but with your [Store Card] discount, it comes down to [price more than half off original price].”

Mother: “That’s too expensive! Isn’t there anything you can do for me, as a long-time [Store] customer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s the price calculated with all your [Store Card] discounts. But it is a very good price cut, more than half off. And these diamonds are a much better quality than the others.”

Mother: “Yes, I want something that looks like these, but it’s too expensive!”

Me: “Would you rather get the other pair, instead?”

Mother: “No, those look horrible. I want nice-looking diamonds for [Great-Granddaughter].”

Me: “Well, our other option is cubic zirconia. We have several studs with CZ over here. They’re made by [Famous Crystal Company] and very good quality, and they’ll give you the clear sparkle of a diamond at a lower price.”

Mother: “No, I don’t want fake diamonds! [Great-Granddaughter] needs real ones.”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, those are our three options. We have the cheaper promotional diamonds studs, the higher-quality diamonds, or the CZ.”

Daughter: *impatiently* “Just buy one or don’t. Make up your mind.”

(The mother stared and grumbled over the diamonds a few more minutes, as if something would change if she waited long enough, before wandering away without buying anything. The two of them have come back for the next three sales, having word-for-word the same conversation with me about the exact same items!)

One Way To Be A Lady Killer

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2018

(I’ve just moved, and I go to the local coffee shop for the first time on a weekend morning. As I approach the door, a woman who has been sitting outside the café hops up and gets to the door at the same time I do. I don’t mind opening doors, but she gives me a look like she expects it. She heads for the register, but pauses when I stop to look over the pastries. When I head for the register, so does she. While she gives her order, I get my phone out and read the news. Then I hear:)

Woman: “Pardon me?”

(It is Miss Open The Door For Me speaking to me.)

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “I said that I left my wallet at home and can’t pay for my drink.”

(Again, she gives the look that she expects something from me.)

Me: “Gee, that’s too bad.”

Woman: “Maybe a gentleman would buy a lady a coffee.”

Me: “Shame that there are no ladies or gentlemen here, isn’t it?”

(She turns red. I think she might be having a stroke for a second, but then she sneers.)

Woman: “You disgusting [gay slur]!”

(Then, she storms out. The baristas laugh and high-five me.)

Barista: “Man, she pulls that crap every day. You’re the first one to not buy her s***. What do you want? It’s on us.”

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Has No Fs To Give After That

, , , , | Right | May 1, 2018

(We have a very odd layout in the parking lot of the hotel where I work, and I am very much aware, as the guests point this out to me constantly. This happens to me at least once a day:)

Guest: “Your parking here is absolutely horrible! Why did you build it like this?”

Me: *in my head* “I’m ever so f****** sorry. I’ll make sure to rebuild it the f*** over right a-f******-way, because I’m obviously a f****** construction worker, and that’s why I’m working the front desk at a f****** hotel, you f****** moron.”

Belting Out All The Excuses

, , , | Right | May 1, 2018

(I’m one of the main employees in our men’s department, and before that I was a cashier. Our youngest, newest cashier calls me over to help with an older woman’s exchange. There are three belts on the counter, two tagged and one untagged.)

Cashier: “We’re trying to do a non-receipted return to exchange this belt for that belt, but there isn’t a tag.”

Customer: “I bought them for my husband, but he got sick and he lost a lot of weight, so now these don’t fit him. He didn’t even get a chance to wear them, see?”

(She shuffles around the belts while saying this, making it hard to tell which is the one she bought and which is the new one.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, do you have the receipt?”

Customer: “No, I can’t find it. But I found this belt—” *holds up one of them* “—so can’t we just exchange it?”

Me: “Sorry, these are separate belts, so the computer recognizes them as different and we have to ring them up.” *looks at the back of the belt* “Wait, this still has the manufacturer’s tag. Try scanning that; they usually work for belts.”

(The cashier scans the belt, and it comes up at $0.01, which means it’s marked out of stock and we can’t return it.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this came up out of stock; we can’t return it for you.”

Customer: “But it hasn’t been used!” *she repeats her whole story* “Can’t you just exchange it for this belt?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but these are clearly different belts by separate brands.” *I point out how the belt buckles differ* “And our store policy states that we can’t return anything that’s been marked out of stock without a receipt.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, let me take a look.” *she takes out her wallet, goes through a pouch that’s neatly filled with various receipts, and pulls one out after maybe five seconds of searching* “Is that the right receipt?”

Me: “It is!” *looks at date* “Ma’am, this receipt is over two years old.”

Customer: “So? I have the receipt!”

Me: “Ma’am, our return policy only lasts 60 days. It’s written on the receipt. After 60 days, we can only return for store credit at the current selling price, and we can’t return merchandise that’s been marked out of stock, at all.”

Customer: “But I have a receipt!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Sometimes the managers will stretch things if it’s a few days past the date, but this is more than two years past when you should have returned it. Even if we could, you’d only get a penny.”

Customer: “But it’s a [Brand] belt! You still have them back there; I just looked!”

Me: “We may still have the brand, but we don’t have that particular belt. I just finished organizing them all by type the other day; we don’t have any like that. That’s what ‘marked out of stock’ means.”

(The customer begins yelling about how she found it in her closet that morning and her husband hadn’t even taken it out of the bag, and repeating the story that he’s been sick. She’s holding up the line, and the poor cashier looks like she might cry.)

Me: “Do you want me to call a manager for you?”

Customer: “Yes! This is a disgrace!”

(I call a manager over. She listens to the story, looks at the receipt and the register, and proceeds to repeat everything I just said about our return policy.)

Customer: “Now what am I supposed to do?”

Manager: “We usually recommend that customers donate items we can’t return.”

(The customer leaves in a huff.)

Me: “Well, I’m glad that at least her husband’s feeling better!”

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