(I work for a large department store known for selling tools and hardware under their own brand. They have a lifetime guarantee on tools of this brand, and will exchange any broken or defective tool at any time. I am working in the tools department. A customer comes into the store with a whole lot of tools.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to exchange all of my tools for new ones.”

Me: “All of your tools? Are they broken?”

Customer: “No, they’re not broken. They’re used. I want new nice-looking tools.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we cannot exchange all of your tools just because they’re used. We can only exchange them if they are broken or defective.”

Customer: “But they have a lifetime guarantee! I can exchange them any time I want! And now they’re used, and I just got a new job working for a car dealership, and I want new tools that look nice! You have to exchange these!”

Me: “Sir, are you going to be actually working on cars, or just hanging your tools on your wall?”

Customer: “Get me your manager now!”

(I call my manager, and overhear part of his conversation with the customer.)

Customer: “No, they’re just used. I want new tools that look nice for my new job at a car dealership.”

Manager: “So, are you actually going to work on cars with your tools, or just hang them on the wall?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(I work at a soft serve ice cream shop. The building has a window to serve people outside, as the inside is rather small. A woman literally drives up to the window.)

Me: “Ma’am, this isn’t a drive through. Can you please park the car and order then?”

Customer: “Do you have cheeseburgers?”

Me: *confused* “Ma’am, this is an ice cream store. We don’t sell any hot foods.”

Customer: “Do you have hot dogs?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we have no hot dogs, cheeseburgers, or anything hot. But I’m sure that the restaurant down the road has those?”

Customer: “Can I have a large order of fries?”

Me: “Ma’am we don’t have fries.”

Customer: “Can I have a fish filet with ketchup?”

Me: “Ma’am, please: we don’t have any fish, fries, chicken, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, pasta, or pizza.”

Customer: *gives me a creepy stare*

Me: “Ma’am?”

(The customer yells incomprehensibly, stomps on the gas, and does a donut in the parking lot before speeding away.)

(A customer sees me unpacking about 100 hats while he’s looking at the 150 or more already on display.)

Customer: “You got any 7 1/4’s in there?”

Me: “I don’t know yet. I’m just unpacking them and I won’t know the price until I do some research.”

Customer: “But do you have any 7 1/4’s?”

Me: “I don’t know yet.”

Customer: “Look and see if you have any 7 1/4’s.”

(Note that I’ve got over 100 hats I’m trying to unpack and stack so they won’t fall over.)

Me: “I’ll have them all unpacked and sorted in size order in a few minutes. Just bear with me.”

Customer: “I just want 7 1/4’s.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be finished in a few minutes and let you know what I’ve got in that size.”

Customer: “How many do you have?”

Me: “I don’t know yet; I don’t have them unpacked.”

(He wanders around the store for about a minute and comes back.)

Customer: “Have you found the 7 1/4’s?”

Me: “Not yet; give me a few minutes.”

Customer: “I gave you a few minutes and you’re not done yet.”

Me: “I’m going as fast as I can. I’ll let you know when I’m finished.”

(I finally get them all sorted and only have about five 7 1/4’s.)

Me: “I’m finished, and these are the 7 1/4’s.”

(He tries one on and he doesn’t need a 7 1/4; he needs a 7. I find him a few in his size, and after he tries on one, he walks away.)

Me: *stopping him* “I have a few more in his size.”

Customer: *continues to walk away* “Oh, I don’t want to buy one. I just wanted to see what I looked like in a hat!”

(My boss is lunching with one of our biggest clients. As a nice Christmas gesture, he wants to give them a gift and sends me out to see what the local winery has. Once there, I spy a four-bottle box set of very nice Italian vintages and take it to the register. Note: this happens on December 21st which is slated to be a potential date for the end of the world.)

Cashier: “Oh man, you’re going for the good stuff, aren’t you? Quite a party you’ll have with these!”

Me: “I wish! They’re actually for a client of ours.”

Cashier: “Oh, right.” *winks* “Don’t worry, I’m planning to welcome the apocalypse in a similar way.”

Me: “Uh, no… seriously, I’m buying this for a customer of my boss.”

Cashier: “Yeah I get ya.” *winks again* “Just a suggestion? Grab yourself some high-strength painkillers as well. A few handfuls mixed in with these and you’ll be so out of your head you won’t care the world is ending!”

Me: *quietly takes the wine and walks out*

(We are located in a small strip mall. As I am checking out a customer, I see a police officer walk in and two fire trucks pull up. The officer comes up to me and ask if there is a manager around.)

Me: *to my manager* “Um…. the police are here. They said they need to talk to a manager.”

Manager: “I’ll be right there.”

(When she comes to the front, we find out that the building next to us has a gas leak. We make an announcement to evacuate the store. Outside the store is myself, the front manager, night manager, and two framers.)

Framer #1: “You know, I get the feeling a customer is going to ask what going on…” *motions to the fire trucks and the orange cones blocking the store’s entrance* “…and when we tell them, they will ask if we’re open.”

Framer #2: “Don’t be ridiculous!”

(Just then a female customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Oh my, what’s going on here?”

Me: “A gas leak happened next door. It’s starting to leak into ours.”

Customer: “Oh… so are you open?”

Me: *stunned* “Um, no we aren’t. We had to evacuate.”

(The customer huffs and grumbles about me being lazy. She then goes to the night manager, who tells her the same thing.)

Customer: “But that’s next door’s problem! Why is it yours!?”

Manager: “Because the gas is leaking into our store.”

Customer: “But I need to get something! Can’t you let me in?”

(This carries on, as both the front manager and the framers both explain to her why she cannot go in. The police officer walks over.)

Officer: “Ma’am, we cannot let you or anyone in. If you will be patient, the fire department will see what the levels are, and then we could possibly let you in.”

Customer: *huffs and storms off*

Framer #1: “I was only kidding when I said that!”

Framer #2: “You should know by now: when somebody becomes a customer, they lose all common sense.”