(I work as an IT tech in a school, taking care of everything involved. I maintain the servers and the LAN, but I also solve soft- and hardware problems, install new devices, etc. One day, I arrive at work and a teacher tells me that there’s a salesman waiting for me. I’m surprised because my work doesn’t include talking to salespeople. Since I don’t want to be rude, I go to tell him that he should see the principal if he wants to do business. I introduce myself to him and we have this conversation.)

Me: “Hi. You were looking for me?”

Salesman: “Yes, finally you’re here. Now, this is my problem: my laptop won’t start anymore and I need it because I have a meeting in an hour. So, start solving the problem.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Salesman: “My wife is Mrs. [Teacher], and she told me you’re good with computers and you could solve the problem. Now hurry up. You’re wasting my time.”

Me: “Well, mister, you can forget it. I’m not working on devices that don’t belong to the school. [Computer Shop] at [Street] probably can fix your problem. Bye.”

Salesman: *goes into a rage* “No! You’re going to fix it for me now or I’ll have you fired.”

Me: “Good luck with that. They are not going to fire me, and you’re not going to get your laptop fixed if you go on ranting while you should be driving to the computer shop.”

(The salesman wouldn’t listen and kept insisting that I had to repair his laptop. The principal came out of his office and told the guy to shut up and leave or he would personally escort him out of the building. The guy left. The teacher later told me that I was in the wrong for not helping her husband. I made it clear that I would have tried to help him for free if he had ASKED me, but I was not going to help someone who was ORDERING me to help him. I found out that he wasn’t a salesman but a business consultant, and that day he had a meeting with a new client. If he had gotten the job he would have earned big bucks. But he was late for the appointment and his laptop with his presentation on it wouldn’t start. The client didn’t hire him. I wonder why.)

Related:
Laptop Flop, Part 25
Laptop Flop, Part 24
Laptop Flop, Part 23

(I am a freelance translator working from home. I translate documents in the French-English language pair — English to French and vice-versa — and don’t work with other languages. One day I receive a message from a regular customer.)

Customer: “Hi. Are you available to translate a new document?”

Me: “Hi! Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I need to get a 4000-word document translated from Dutch to French within the next twelve hours. I need you to use Google Translate and fix all the errors for a perfect translation.”

(I don’t speak a single word of Dutch.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but don’t you mean English to French? I’m afraid I don’t speak Dutch.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I just need you to use Google Translate to translate it from Dutch to French, and correct the mistakes in French for a perfect translation. Get it?”

Me: “Sorry, I think you’re going to have to ask someone who speaks Dutch; I can’t provide you with a quality translation if I don’t speak the source language.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay, then. Bye!”

(If it was so easy to translate a document and get a quality result, nobody would need professional translators!)

(I am working at the customer service desk when the phone rings:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] customer service. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I have a complaint. Are you a manager?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not a manager but I can call for one. Could you hold?”

Caller: “No, you’re just going to hang up on me. Some b**** at the service desk told me that I can’t do any more returns. That’s bulls***!”

Me: “That’s odd. Did she say why?”

Caller: “I didn’t have a receipt. But I’ve done it before!”

Me: “In order to do a return without a receipt, we need your ID for our records. If you do three non-receipt returns in a rolling six-month period, the system flags your ID and puts a hold on it for ninety days. We can—“

Caller: “That’s so f****** stupid.”

Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you stopped swearing at me.”

Caller: *mocking* “Oh. Okay. I’ll stop swearing.”

Me: “Now, I am not a manager but I can—“

Caller: “I want that girl fired!”

Me: “I don’t have the authority to do that, but I can take some basic information and have a manager call you back, or I can put you on hold and get a manager now.”

Caller: “I want to hear you tell that snotty b**** that she is fired!”

Me: “Again, I do not have that authority. Beyond that, I don’t know which associate you’re talking about.”

Caller: “Well, find out!”

Me: “Do you remember anything about the associate or the time you were here?”

Caller: “That’s not my job!”

Me: *fed up* “Okay. Can I put you on hold to get a manager?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Can I take your information and have a manager call back?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “What would you like me to do, sir?”

Caller: “DO SOMETHING!”

Me: “Okay.” *to the wall beside me* “Hey! You’re fired!” *to the customer* “Is that okay, sir?”

Caller: “Finally!” *hangs up*

I work in a small call centre with my friend. One of the shows we are selling today is an Easter play depicting the Crucifixion of Jesus. A few minutes ago, [Friend] got a call from a woman who asked us if the crucifixion being depicted was a person really being crucified, as opposed to an actor pretending to be crucified. [Friend] explained that it was just an actor and the woman was apparently disappointed.

The woman had a Filipina accent; people who are especially religious in the Philippines actually crucify themselves there each year. It’s only for a few minutes, mind you, but it is a real crucifixion. Apparently, she was hoping to see the same thing here in Canada.

(I work at a metal supplier. We have an “Odds and Ends” rack in our shop that has short and damaged metal sections and plates, with the most expensive item usually around $5.00. A customer sees a small bit of plate with a price tag of $5.00 and puts it on the counter.)

Me: “Hey, mate, that’s all for today?”

Customer: “Yeah, should get me out of trouble.”

Me: “No problems. That’ll be $5. Did you want a receipt for that?”

Customer: “Nah, mate, I want it for free.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I want it for free; it’s a worthless piece.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, if it was worthless it would have gone in the scrap bin which got emptied this morning.”

Customer: “Come on. Show a bit of charity.”

Me: “Well, mate, this is a business, not a charity. If you want charity, there is a [Charity] down the road.”

(I take the piece off the counter.)

Customer: “Whatever.”

(The customer grabs a $5 note out of his wallet and drops it on the ground.)

Customer: “There you go. Come around and grab your precious $5 and give me my piece.”

Me: “You haven’t paid for it yet. You’ve dropped your money on the ground; you mind picking it up for me?”

Customer: “There’s no respect these days from customer service people.” *grabs the note and puts it on the counter*

Me: “Respect is a two-way street; you get what you give.’ *hands him his piece* “Have a good day and we hope to see you again.”