(A customer catches me off guard with this gem:)

Customer: “You carry replacement eyes?”

Me: *feeling very much like I missed some important information* “Sorry? Replacement eyes?”

Customer: “Yeah, I figured they’d be right here but I don’t see any. You got ’em?”

Me: *struggling like hell to figure out what he’s talking about* “Are you talking about a photocell for an outdoor light? Maybe a garage door sensor?”

Customer: “No, new bird eyes!”

Me: “New… bird… eyes.”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! Where have you got ’em?”

(I look around, starting to wonder if I’m being pranked. We get quite a few customers who like to be silly or ask nonsense questions just to see how we’ll react. I decide to play along… cautiously.)

Me: “What kind of bird are we looking for new eyes for?”

Customer: “It’s an owl.”

(Suddenly I feel really stupid. I realize he’s talking about the fake plastic owls you put in a garden to keep smaller birds away.)

Me: “Yes! The fake plastic owls?”

Customer: *wondering how I could be so dense, after such an excellent description* “Well, yeah!”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t carry new eyes for the owls. The whole bird is only $5.99. I think they assume that if the eyes fall off, the rest of the bird is in pretty bad shape as well and in need of replacement.”

Customer: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with mine except that the eyes are gone. It’d be pretty wasteful to toss him out when all he needs is new eyes!”

Me: *good lord he’s gotten so attached, he’s assigned it a gender* “Sorry, sir, we don’t carry them. Even if they could be special ordered they would probably cost half as much as a replacement bird after shipping.”

Customer: *sighs deeply* “Fine. How about bird repellent?”

Me: *thrilled to have a clue this time* “We don’t carry bird specific repellant, but I think we have something that’ll work for you.” *I show him to the area where it’s kept* “Here we go!”

Customer: “Naw, naw, this won’t work. Where have you got the duck repellent?”

Me: “Duck repellent? We don’t carry bird specific spray repellant, sir. I would go with this general animal spray. The scent keeps them away.”

Customer: “Naw, I need the duck stuff. Where is it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry duck repellent.”

Customer: “No duck stuff?” *looking all over the shelf, obviously certain I’m lying or trying to hoard it all for myself* “I can’t believe you don’t carry that!”

Me: “To be honest, sir, we don’t get much call for duck repellent.”

Customer: *half to himself* “Man, can’t believe you guys don’t have that in stock. If ya did everyone would buy it.”

Me: “Sorry. If there’s anything else I can do to help let me know!”

(He walks away. I return to our service desk, where a coworker is standing.)

Me: “You ever heard of replacement bird eyes? Or duck repellent?”

Coworker: “What? Are you f****** with me?”

(I work at a popular pharmacy/health store chain. The company policy used to be that we would take any store coupon even years after their expiration date, but at the end of last August the entire company changed the policy so that coupons did, in fact, expire at the written date and we were not allowed to override them for any reason, even one day later. Almost an entire year later, this sort of interaction still happens at least once every time I work. A customer hands me a coupon that expired several months ago.)

Me: “I’m sorry, this coupon actually expired back in [Month] and I won’t be able to apply it to this purchase. Would you like me to throw it out for you?”

Customer: “What? Your coupons never expire!”

Me: “There actually was a company-wide policy change, way over our heads, at the end of last August. We used to take expired coupons, but we’re not allowed to anymore. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You can never keep track of these. I’ve been meaning to use them for weeks, and now you’re telling me you can’t?”

Me: “Again, I’m really sorry. I know it can get confusing because we used to be able to take them, but it’s been almost a year now and I really can’t do anything about it.”

Customer: “You know that’s illegal?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just have to follow the company policies.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever. You’re not in charge. Sure, throw it out, and these, too.” *hands me a handful of other coupons, most of which have not yet expired*

Me: “You still have [time] to use these other ones!”

Customer: “I’ll just lose them or there’ll be some other problem. What’s the point!?”

(I am teaching a fairly large first-year physics class. After an exam has just been returned, two students visit me during office hours; it’s the first time I’ve seen either of them there all term. Only one speaks; the second student stands silently behind her friend and glares.)

Student #1: “We’ve heard you do re-grades.”

Me: “Sure. Can you show me where you disagree with your scores?”

Student #1: “We don’t disagree with anything specific; we just want a re-grade.”

Me: “Sorry, but there are almost two-hundred students in this class. I can’t just grade everyone’s exam again, but I’ll be glad to discuss any specific questions you have.”

([Student #2]’s glare grows more intense as if she is trying to incinerate me on the spot.)

Student #1: “Well, can’t you just give us some extra points?”

Me: “No. Why would I do that?”

Student #1: “Because we cared enough to come in.”

Me: “All that proves you care about is your grade.”

([Student #2] passes the “Glare Event Horizon.” I’m pretty certain she’s still glaring to this day.)

Student #1: “But you’re supposed to want us to care about our grades!”

(I am covering the shop for my mom while she has a doctor’s appointment. Her boss/friend is more than okay with that, and tells me if a customer is rude that I can give it right back to them. The shop is more of a side project so it isn’t a big deal. I am at the counter, tagging and folding some clothes that just got dropped off, when I hear the front door slam open.)

Woman: “There is a pile of dog-s*** out here and I stepped in it! My shoes are now ruined!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Sadly, it happens quite frequently here.”

Woman: “I demand to be compensated! I can’t wear these now and they cost over $500 dollars! What are you going to do to make this right!?”

Me: “…I can sell you some shoes?”

(Cue angry screaming and door slamming closed. When I went out to lock up for the day, I saw the rather huge pile of dog poop on the ground. The woman had decided to wipe/rub her shoes against the entire front half of the shop. I told my boss. She just laughed.)

(A festival I am working at uses composting toilets. Commodes have been set up, with wheely bins below them to collect the waste. The crew that is running it, colloquially known as the “Poo Crew,” have set up this business and go from site to site, managing the waste. As we are packing down the festival, I get to chatting with one of the owners. He is telling me about a festival he had done outside of Sydney, with thousands of people over several days. People camping out there, or just visiting for the day. As you can imagine, there was a lot of work for the Poo Crew. One woman approached the Poo Crew manager stating she had lost her purse down the privy. Whilst it’s not pleasant, the Poo Crew do get up to their armpit in the waste, but it’s not something that they like to do for free. The owner asked the woman which privy she had used.)

Woman: “Oh, I’m not sure. It was two nights ago. Can you just try a couple of them?”

Owner: “Well, we’re composting down this site over the next couple of months. If your purse turns up we’ll call you.”

(I would have been tempted to ask her to go through the bins herself!)