I work in a Micro Center. A customer comes in, marches right up to me, standing at the small camera display, and says with a straight face:
Customer: “Don’t look at me like I’m a space alien, but do you have a camera that takes a picture of your aura?”
Me: “We… do not.”
Customer: “Ah, that’s too bad.”
Me: “You might have better luck in Best Buy?”
Customer: “Thanks!”
They leave, smiling. Sorry, Best Buy retail peers!
I work at a diamond ring shop. A woman brings in a diamond ring she bought from us and demands from my coworker:
Customer: “You need to fix this, and you need to do it now.”
Coworker: “Okay, can I look up your customer account?”
Customer: “What! Why?”
Coworker: “I need to see what kind of protection plan you purchased.”
The customer pales but provides her name. My coworker confirms some details and then says:
Coworker: “It appears you didn’t purchase a protection plan with us. We can still send your ring to our master jeweler, but it will cost—”
Customer: “—No. You will fix it for me. Now. For free.”
Coworker: “I’m not a licensed jeweler! I sell them, I don’t fix them. We have a master jeweler coming in tomorrow and they can—”
Customer: “—No. You or someone here will fix this for me right now.”
My coworker is looking a bit stressed, so I walk over and whip out a ‘release from liability form’ for her to sign.
Customer: “What’s this?!”
Me: “Basically a form saying we’ll attempt to fix it, but we can’t be blamed if we do a s***ty job because we’re not licensed jewelers.”
Customer: “I’m not signing that!”
Me: “I don’t blame you. It’s basically a form saying that instead of waiting a day and paying a $20 fix fee, you’re willing to risk destroying a $3,000 stone. I mean, you’d have to be stupid to want such a thing.”
The customer stared at the form for a long moment, and then announced they’d be back tomorrow.
Customer: “A crispy chicken sandwich… with extra mayo.”
Me: “Okay, extra mayo.”
This was pre-computerized register days, and you wrote paper tickets.
Customer: “No, like, extra, extra, extra mayo. I want it to be swimming in it.”
Me: *Holding the pen, not sure what to write.* “Okay, I’ll tell them.”
Customer: “EXTRA mayo.”
Me: “I understand.”
Sixteen-year-old me goes back to the person who pulls the tickets and dresses the buns.
Me: “She wants extra mayo.”
Coworker: “Okay, extra ma—”
Me: “—no, you don’t understand… like put what you think is way too much mayo on both sides of the roll… then add more than that.”
Coworker: “Suuuuure.”
I could tell how far along the ‘sandwich conveyor’ of people this mayo-dressed bun had progressed based on the exclamations of disgust and shock:
Chicken Guy: “What in the world?!”
Salad Guy: “This must be a mistake.”
Wrapping Guy: “Is… is this legal?”
The wrapped sandwich seemed less… stable than ordinary, so when it came out from the back, I handled it with care as I placed it in the bag and gave it to the customer. She took it to the front of the restaurant, opened it, and, upon seeing it, shouted out to us across the busy restaurant:
Customer: “I love you guys!”
Related:
A Big Mayo No No, Part 16
A Big Mayo No No, Part 15
A Big Mayo No No, Part 14
A Big Mayo No No, Part 13
A Big Mayo No No, Part 12
A man approaches me at the dealership and asks if the general manager is available. When I tell him he is not, he then says:
Customer: “I need somewhere private. I have a Zoom call that I can’t miss. Let me use the general manager’s office.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the general manager’s office is private. Customers aren’t allowed to use it.”
Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”
Me: “I understand, but I still can’t let you into someone else’s office. You’re welcome to use the customer lounge.”
Customer: “No, this is a confidential call. I need the private office.”
Me: “That office isn’t available.”
Customer: “But I’m a doctor!”
Me: “That doesn’t give me permission to let you use it.”
Customer: “Then get me your supervisor.”
I call over my supervisor and explain the situation.
Supervisor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t use the general manager’s office.”
Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”
Supervisor: “Yes, we’ve established that. You can take the call in our customer lounge, but the private offices are for employees.”
Customer: “This is an important call! I need privacy!”
Supervisor: “Unfortunately, we don’t have a private room available for customers.”
Customer: “But I’m a doctor!”
Supervisor: “That doesn’t change our policy.”
Customer: “Then I want to speak to your manager.”
The manager directly beneath the general manager comes over. By now, the customer has apparently decided that his occupation is the master key to every locked door in the building.
Manager: “I’m told you’d like to use the general manager’s private office.”
Customer: “Yes. I’m a doctor, and I have an important Zoom call.”
Manager: “I’m sorry, but that office isn’t available for customer use.”
Customer: “Did you not hear me? I’m a doctor!”
Manager: “I heard you. The answer is still no.”
Customer: “Fine, because of missing this call, you might have cost someone their life!”
Manager: “You’re not a very good doctor if you leave a patient’s life hanging in the balance based on your ability to get a private space for a Zoom call in a car dealership, are you?”
The doctor scoffs and ends up taking the Zoom call in the customer lounge for everyone to hear.
From what I overhear, it is less about a patient’s life hanging in the balance and more about him shouting at some guy to help him make changes to his NFL fantasy football league because he doesn’t know how…
I sell mattresses. A coworker told me today that a customer of his had a mattress where:
Customer: “…the stitching is messed up!”
Coworker: “Would you like to swap it for another?”
Customer: “No.”
Coworker: “Would you like a refund, then?”
Customer: “No.”
Coworker: “Uh, ma’am, if you don’t want a refund or have it swapped out, what do you want?”
Customer: “I want you to get a representative of the mattress brand to come out to my home so I can shame them.”
Some customers surprise me by sleeping on actual beds, seeming instead to be more suited to a vampiric coffin or cursed sarcophagus…