I get my first customer of the day when the drive-through bell rings.

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Patient: “Yes, I’m here to pick up my drugs.”

Me: “Okay, what is the last name?”

Patient: “I was here yesterday.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: *More agitated.* “I was here yesterday.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just need your last name.”

Patient: “I was told yesterday that my medication would be ready today.”

Me: “I was not here yesterday, so you need to give me your last name so I can look you up.”

Patient: “[Name].”

Me: “Thank you.”

After looking up information:

Me: “Looks like this controlled drug still needs to be filled. Please loop around, and we will start filling it.”

Patient: “I was told yesterday it would be ready today.”

Me: “Yes, it will be, it just needs to be filled and verified, it should take around five to ten minutes.”

Patient: “It’s not ready now? Why was I told it would be ready this morning?”

Me: “Ma’am, we opened fifteen minutes ago.”

Patient: “But I want it now.”

Me: “I understand that, but the earliest your controlled substance could be filled was today.”

Patient: “So?”

Me: “I have barely begun typing overnight faxes, let alone look at prescriptions needing to be filled.

Patient: “I’m not going anywhere until I get my drugs.”

Me: “Okay, it will be five to ten minutes.”

The patient scowls at me as I leave the window. I filled her medication, but this put me in a bad mood the rest of the day. 

So many times, people think I can read the minds of doctors, insurance companies, or their own minds. For example, I was asked why a doctor repeatedly prescribed Doxycycline instead of Augmentin. I ended up saying, “Ma’am, I have no clue what goes on through your doctor’s head. I just fill what I’m told to fill.”

Related:
When Patients Aren’t

I’m taking the drinks order for the table:

Customer: “I want a hot water, a cold water, and a room temperature water.”

A bit odd, but not a difficult request, so I brought her a teapot of hot water, and a carafe of cold and room temperature water (I made by mixing together some hot and cold until I got it somewhere in the middle).

Customer: “No, no, no. This room temperature water is too cold.”

I poured some water from her teapot of hot water into it.

Me: “How about that?”

Customer: “Now it’s too hot!”

Resisting the urge to look around and search for the hidden cameras, I pour in a little of the cold water.

Me: “How about now?”

Customer: “That’s fine, but now I have more room temperature water than the hot and cold!”

I sigh internally and bring her refills for the hot and cold water.

Customer: “But now my room temperature water is cold again!”

Okay, but how?!

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t normally keep room temperature water available, so this is as close as it gets. The beauty of wanting room temperature water is that if you give it some time, it will become room temperature by default.”

Customer: “Well, I want it now!”

This woman has kept me busy with her d*** water request for over five minutes, and I have orders from the kitchen piling up. My water saga has not gone unnoticed by some kitchen staff, who have informed one of the chefs why I’m not collecting my plates that are sitting under the warmer, ready to be served. The chef comes storming out and glares at the customer:

Chef: “Now listen here, Goldilocks! [My Name] here can bring you your food and drinks. What she can’t do is stand here all night mixing water into different temperatures for you. Do it yourself! [My Name], you have all the entrées for tables seven and nine waiting.”

I silently thanked the chef, and I got back to my duties. 

That woman didn’t badger me anymore for differing temperatures of water for the rest of the night. No one else on her table seemed to think that what she was demanding was odd or over the top. The manager had a word with the chef after, but since he was our star chef from a famous culinary school, there wasn’t much he could do.

I’m a web developer and software designer. I get a client who sounds very excitable over the phone.

Client: “So, I’m gonna need your help for this. Imagine this! CatCoin!”

Me: “Uh… what is that?”

Client: “It’s a crypto! CatCoin!”

Me: “And you wanted me to design the website for it?”

Client: “No, you need to develop the coin. I can’t pay you up front, but when people start buying it, I can split the costs with you.”

Me: “You want me to… make a cryptocurrency?”

Client: “That’s one of the things you do, right?”

Me: “Not even close. What would you be doing in this… enterprise?”

Client: “I came up with the name! The concept!”

Me: “CatCoin?”

Client: “Yeah!”

Me: “So you’re doing nothing?”

Client: “H*** no! I came up with the idea! I… y’know, will sell it on the blockchain!”

Me: “If you can tell me right now what the blockchain is, I will humor you for a few more minutes.”

Client: “It’s… the chain of… things that cryptos run on.”

Me: “But what is it?”

Client: “It’s… it’s… It’s crypto!”

Me: “Well, this has been fun. Good luck, but I’m not the guy for you.” *Click.*

F****** crypto-bros.

A woman walks up to me at the host stand:

Customer: “[Name], reservation for four.”

Me: “I see that, but you didn’t mention you’d be bringing children.”

I count four adult women and six kids in strollers.

Customer: “Oh, you can squeeze in a few small kids. It’ll be fine. We want a seat on the patio.”

Me: “The patio is small, and we have one table that can accommodate six at the most.”

Customer: “We can make it work.”

I bring them outside and show them the table.

Customer: “Well, this four-seater here can be moved next to this one, and—”

Me: “—I’m afraid I can’t do that. The tables have heavy marble tops, and the umbrellas going through the middle of the table have stone block bases. They’re too heavy for us to move.”

Customer: “You’re not even going to try? Get someone to help you! What about moving that other table? That doesn’t have an umbrella!”

Me: “Also, as per county fire code, there needs to be a four-foot fire lane between here and the exit. We can’t move any of these tables.

Customer: “Hmph. Fine. Bring us six highchairs.”

Me: “They will not fit, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well then, we’ll go back and get the strollers from the front.”

Me: “Then they’ll be blocking the four-foot fire lane. You can’t bring them onto the patio.”

Customer: “You’re not being very accommodating! Get your manager!”

My manager steps outside and is brought up to speed.

Manager: “Everything that has been said by [My Name] is correct.”

Customer: “So there’s nothing you can do for us?”

Manager: “There is! I can advise you that in the future, when making a booking for four people, do not bring ten.”

It was really funny watching four moms hold six kids while eating dinner! Most fun I’ve had on a Sunday night in a while!

I’m the fitting room attendant. A customer has been using our fitting rooms for over an hour, trying on a lot of clothes. She walks up to me with another pile of clothes that she’s tried on, putting one into the ‘buy’ pile and the rest to be discarded.

Customer: “By the way, I’m getting hungry. Do you do lunch orders?”

Me: “Uh, we’re a clothing store, ma’am. There’s lot of food options in the mall.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I want to keep trying on clothes. I’m gonna buy a lot with you guys, so I’m thinking lunch. A turkey sub would be good.”

Me: “Ma’am, just to make sure I’m understanding you, are you asking us to order you some lunch?”

Customer: “Yes! So that I can keep trying on clothes uninterrupted! I’m going to spend big with you guys, so it’s in your interests to keep me in the store trying on clothes!”

Me: “That’s not a service we offer, ma’am. If you’re hungry, you can leave your clothes with me to hold while you get some lunch in the mall, and then you can come back and—”

Customer: “—When I’m gambling in Vegas, the casinos bring drinks and snacks to me at the slot machines to keep me there.”

Me: “This is not something we do in Cleveland, ma’am.”

Customer: “If I leave this store to go have my lunch, there’s a risk of me not coming back. Do you want that on your hands? I’m a big spender!”

We’re a famous and popular international chain, with most of our clothing items costing between $20 and $50. Her big spender total (seven items) came to about $200 so far.

Me: “I can live with that risk, ma’am.”

Customer: *Drops the clothes on the floor.* “This is terrible service!”

She walks out and, as far as I can tell, never comes back. I’m pretty sure she was only interested in trying to get a free lunch and figured we’d just… go with it?