(A customer comes in and approaches my coworker’s register.)

Customer: “I have this coupon.”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that coupon’s expired and no longer in our system. I can offer you this other coupon, instead.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever. Oh, and my son came in and dropped off clothes the other day. He already picked them up but forgot to bring the coupon, can I use it for them now?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we are only able to accept coupons at drop-off, so I can only use it for your items today.”

Customer: “So, you don’t honor your coupons?!”

Coworker: “No, ma’am, as I explained, we do honor our coupons but we can only accept them at drop-off, as that’s when you pay. We can’t accept them at pickup or after you’ve already left the store with your clothes.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(The customer paid for her current order and then stormed out in a huff. Two minutes later, she called the store to speak to a manager and once again argued that we should take her coupon for the order from two days ago that had already been picked up, and then hung up when my manager gave her the same answer my coworker did.)

(I work at a crab shack. I answer the phone:)

Me: “Hello, [Business] Seafood; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. A few weeks ago I bought eight pounds of your steamed shrimp, and I feel there were a lot of smalls.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. What size shrimp did you order?”

Customer: “I got the medium shrimp. But they were all smalls.”

Me: “Well, sir, we don’t sell ‘small’ shrimp. We buy them prepackaged and sorted by a company in the Gulf of Mexico. The medium shrimp we use are labeled 36 to 42 in a pound.”

Customer: “They were all very small, though. You gave me smalls.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell smalls. They come prepackaged—”

Customer: “Well, I guess I won’t be buying shrimp from you guys ever again.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Why did you wait weeks to call us about this?”

(All I hear is a click. All right, then.)

(I’m an usher, working an event that is at intermission.)

Customer: “Where is the nearest liquor store?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure. I’m not 21 yet, so I’ve never been.”

Customer: “But you have to know where it is.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any idea.”

(The customer goes back into the venue. Five minutes later, he comes out again on the phone.)

Customer: “Here, it’s my wife on the phone. Tell her where the liquor store is, or she’ll yell at you!”

(I still have no idea where the liquor store is!)

(I’m a server at a counter-service style restaurant. We also do takeout orders and customers can order over the phone. One day, the phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant].”

Caller: “Do you have non-nutritional water?”

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir, can you please repeat that?”

Caller: “NON-NUTRITIONAL WATER!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not sure what that is. We have bottled [Brand #1] and [Brand #2] water, and we also have water in the soda fountain.”

Caller: “Well, that’s no help!” *hangs up phone*

(A woman came in yesterday telling us that she had a tree that died that she wanted to return. Our head cashier and acting manager said that we would accept a return and give her 50% back so long as she had the receipt and the tree, and that it was within one year of the purchase, because it’s our policy.

I am called to the register today because the lady has come in and is causing a scene, and the management in that day is different from yesterday’s.)

Manager: “[My Name], what did [Other Manager] say about this nice woman’s return?”

Me: “One year, 50% back if you have the tree and receipt. Why?”

(The customer has her daughter with her, who has named and taken care of the tree.)

Customer: “That is not what she said! She said I would get 100% back!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sure she didn’t; she’s our head cashier and she’s been working here since I made our policy.”

(He points to the placard on the wall with said policy on it.)

Manager: “It’s even right here.”

Customer: “I know what she said! You guys are trying to rip me off.”

Manager: “Okay, give me a second.”

(He calls our head cashier — even though it’s her day off — and hands the phone to the woman, who only gets even more disgruntled and then turns to me.)

Me: “She may have said we’d take care of things 100%. She says things like that.”

Manager: “That’s true. Ma’am, how can we help you out with this?”

Customer: “Well, I want 100% back! I’ve been attacked since I walked up here!”

(She turns to her daughter who is staring intently at the ground.)

Customer: “Hasn’t he been attacking me?”

(The daughter shrugs and my manager, who has been amazingly calm the whole time, stands aghast and excuses himself. Another cashier takes over.)

Me: “Ma’am, would you at least like me to dispose of the dead tree for you?”

Customer: “No! I don’t know if I want to do business with you yet!”