Coworker #1: “Um, you need to let everyone know we don’t have breakfast burritos because I don’t have any in my station.”

Me: “Are you sure did you check in the back? I think I saw some earlier.”

Coworker #2: “One burrito, please!”

Coworker #1: “I JUST SAID WE DON’T HAVE ANY BURRITOS!”

Me: “Did you check in the back?”

Coworker #1: “No!” *to the other customers* “We don’t have any burritos!”

(20 minutes pass, and then another coworker rings in a burrito because they forgot.)

Coworker #3: “Can I get a burrito?”

Coworker #1: “I said I don’t have burritos! Why don’t you listen to me?! You need to pay attention! I don’t have burritos!”

(Upon hearing this, I walk into the back cooler. I find plenty of burritos prepped and ready to be cooked, and carry them out to him as proof.)

Me: “You had burritos in the back!”

Coworker #1: “Oh, I know. I just wasn’t going to go get them!”

(My coworker’s talking to me about a newly hired Hispanic teenager.)

Coworker: “Look at the lazy b*stard.”

Me: “He’s done more work than you have today.”

Coworker: “Then he didn’t come here legally.”

Me: “No, he had to show his green card to land this job.”

Coworker: “Whatever. I mean, he probably only speaks Spanish or some s*** like that.”

Me: “Dude, I think he was born here.”

Coworker: “D*** it! You’re going to make me not hate him!”

(A customer pays with a fifty-dollar bill. Spotting it, the pharmacist on duty grabs his wallet and asks the cashier to give him the fifty for two twenties and a ten.)

Coworker: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? He’s giving you $50 for $50.”

Coworker: “But my till will be wrong!”

Me: “How? You take out the fifty, and put in two twenties and the ten. The totals are still the same.”

Coworker: “But I won’t have the fifty, and the register will KNOW!”

(My new coworker frequently claps me on the shoulder or throws his arm around me. I’ve asked him several times to stop this as it makes me uncomfortable. On this day, he slaps me on the shoulder again.)

Me: “I’m not going to tell you again, and [Manager] already warned you: stop that. Keep your hands to yourself.”

Coworker: “Ah, would you ever calm down?!”

Me: “No, I won’t calm down! You lay a hand on me again, and you’re gonna lose that hand.”

(He turns and shoves me, knocking me backward and nearly flooring me. The last of my temper gone, I’m about to deck him when the customer demands we both come to the counter.)

Customer: *to me* “I was really just hoping to go watch a movie and not have to deal with this kind of s***, but…” *produces a Garda (police) badge* “…do you want to arrest him?”

(The customer spoke to the manager, reported my coworker for assault, and went to watch his movie while my coworker was fired and sent on his way.)

(One particularly cold winter morning, I wake up to discover my car wouldn’t start. So, I bundle up nice and warm and make the half-hour walk to work. As I am settling in at my desk, I get a call from my coworker.)

Coworker: “Yeah, hey, could you cover for me? I’m not coming in to work today.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “It’s so cold, man. My car won’t start.”

Me: “So? My car wouldn’t start either. I walked. You can too!”

Coworker: “But, dude, it’s so cold and so far!”

Me: “What are you talking about? I live on the other side of town. You live across the street!”

(Sure enough, I look out my window, and lock eyes with my coworker, who is looking at me through his kitchen window. He quickly closes the blinds.)

Coworker: “I SAID I’M NOT COMING IN TODAY BECAUSE MY CAR WON’T START!” *click*