(I work in a small office, and my coworkers are really easygoing. However, there’s a new employee who takes advantage of that all the time and does very little work. This takes place before Monday lunchtime:)

New Employee: *stares at a computer monitor* “Ugh…”

Coworker: “Are you okay?”

New Employee: “Yeah, I’m just trying to plan which evening I should see my friends.”

Boss: “Do you need the afternoon off?”

New Employee: “Oh no, I’ll manage. It’s just so much to think about, y’know? I have so many friends!”

Coworker: “No, you get yourself home! You’ll be worrying yourself sick!”

Boss: “You’ll get an ulcer!”

New Employee: “Thanks! By the way, I can’t make it in to work tomorrow because I’m seeing my boyfriend, so I’ll see you on Wednesday!”

Me: *flabbergasted*

(My older sister and I both work at a resort. I work in the restaurant, while she edits pamphlets, menus and brochures. One of the other coworkers in the restaurant has written up a nutrition brochure but gets it back with a lot of corrections because her grammar and spelling are awful. She comes and waves her edited pamphlet in my face.)

Coworker: “That stupid b**** who edits this s*** thinks she’s so f****** smart, doesn’t she?”

Me: “Well, actually… she is really smart.”

Coworker: “Well, how do you know?”

Me: “She’s my sister.”

Coworker: “Tell your sister that I’m not a [slur for disabled people] and she can’t make all these edits!” *throws the pamphlet at me*

Me: “Well, first of all, my sister’s an English major. Second…” *points at the corrections* “…she’s right. The things she marked as needing to be corrected are wrong.”

Coworker: “F*** you!”

(My coworker spots a manager and stomps up to them.)

Coworker: “Tell the b**** who made these corrections that we aren’t making any changes to my pamphlet!”

Manager: *looks over the corrections* “No.”

Coworker: “Why the h*** not?!”

Manager: “Because we want the pamphlets to sound like they were written by an educated person.”

Coworker: “I quit!”

(Thankfully, my sister now prepares the pamphlets and brochures… properly edited, of course.)

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(I work in a fairly small city where there are a lot of factories, a few of which hire a lot of immigrant workers. A customer from Senegal has just gotten his beverage and gone.)

Coworker: “I don’t know how you could take his order. I couldn’t understand a word he said!”

Me: “Oh, his accent wasn’t that thick.”

Coworker: “And if they’re going to be in this country, they should speak English all the time. I mean, how do they even learn that foreign language anyway?!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure the same way we learn English: they’re raised with it.”

Coworker: “Well, you know what I mean!”

(This coworker and I have an awkward relationship as he’s constantly making strange comments to me. I generally try to avoid him.)

Coworker: “Do you ever want to have kids someday?”

Me: “Eventually.”

Coworker: “What kind do you want?”

Me: “Boys.”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because I think little boys have lots of imagination.”

Coworker: “I have lots of imagination. I think I’d make a good father for your kids…”

(I work in the hotel department on a cruise line. A coworker and I are talking about me going to London to study.)

Me: “I’m so glad I’m single. Would be awful to have a long distance relationship for three years.”

Coworker: “I’m sure you’ll find a hot French guy there! I mean there are hordes of them there. You can just take your pick!”

Me: “I’m not specifically after a French guy, and I didn’t know there were that many of them in London.”

Coworker: “Sure there are, it’s LONDON! Where else would they be?”

Me: “…In France?”

Coworker: “But that’s where you’re going.”

Me: “No, I’m going to London.”

Coworker: “Yes and London is in France!”

(I’m thinking she’s joking but she’s looking at me, dead serious.)

Me: “London is in England.”

Coworker: “No, it’s not. It’s the capital of France.”

Me: “No, sweetie… Paris is the capital of France. London is the capital of England!”

Coworker: “No… but… oh, yeah! But I’m sure you’ll find a French guy there anyway!”

Me: *facepalm*