(I work at a radio station. As such, I’ve discovered that the average IT certification doesn’t cover some of the specialized software we use in broadcasting. However, company protocol dictates I call tech support whenever a computer problem arises, which leads to frequent exchanges like this.)

Me: “Yeah, [computer program] is acting up. Could you dial in and…”

(I explain how to fix the problem.)

IT: “Hold on there; don’t get ahead of yourself.  I’m the IT professional and I’ll figure out how to fix it.”

Me: “Could you just assign the problem to [senior IT person]? I usually deal with him and he knows how to fix it.”

IT: “Sir, I’ll have you know I’m well versed in most of the popular office software today. I’m certain I can fix your problem.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay.”

IT: “Now, what’s the name of the computer program that’s giving you trouble?”

Me: *says name of program*

IT: “Huh. I’ve never heard of that program before. What does it do?”

Me: “It plays all of our music, commercials, and pretty much everything you hear on the air on a radio station.”

IT: “Wait. Are you telling me that if I start working with this program, I could knock you off the air?”

Me: “Yup.”

IT: “Um, well, I…”

Me: “In fact, we’ve been off the air for about ten minutes now, so it’s a bit of an emergency.”

IT: “Uh, who did you say usually looks after this?”

Me: “[Senior IT person].”

IT: “Let me get him for you…”

(I work with a pair of identical twins for the overstock night shift. They know I’m atheist, so they’ve made it their business to preach their religion at me non-stop.)

Twin #1: “So, [my name], you think about what we said on Tuesday?”

Me: “Not really.”

Twin #1: “Come on, man. This is important stuff.”

Twin #2: “Yeah. You wanna go to h***?”

Me: “Nope.”

Twin #1: “I mean, I just don’t get you.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Twin #1: “If you don’t believe in God, where do you get your morals from?”

Me: “Uh…”

Twin #2: “Yeah. The only way to know right from wrong is with God.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Twin #1: “Well, it’s still true, dude. It doesn’t matter what you think.”

Twin #2: “Right. You should… hang on.”

(Twin #2 gets a call on his cell phone and answers it. He turns away from his brother and me but keeps standing there.)

Twin #1: “[My name], dude, do you think murder and rape are okay?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #1: “Well, that’s God, man. The only way you know that stuff is not okay is God.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…You picked up my bike okay? No problems getting it? Cool…”

Twin #1: “How about lying? Or stealing? You think it’s okay to do that?”

Me: “No.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “..You think you could roll back the odometer about 5,000 miles…”

Twin #1: “Well, it was God who said lying and stealing are wrong, man. It’s right there in the Bible.”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Yeah, I know. But I’ve got somebody coming out to look at it and he said he didn’t want it if it was too used…”

Twin #1: “So you KNOW that stuff like killing and raping and lying and stealing and being a racist and all that stuff is wrong. How do you explain how that’s wrong without God?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Oh yeah, you think you could paint over the rust on the brakes and the engine block, too? I’m pretty sure I could get at least two grand more out of this guy…”

Twin #1: “God is righteous, [my name]. He’s going to punish people for doing all that stuff. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Twin #2: *on the phone* “…Also, I think the front tire has a hole in it. No, no, don’t patch it. Just put more air in it. It only has to look full until the guy buys it…”

Me: “Wait, wait, wait. Are you guys listening to each other here?”

Both Twins: “What do you mean?”

(Note: my husband and I are huge Lord of the Rings fans, and as such my engagement ring is one of the rings from the book; my wedding ring is the one ring itself. This happens when a coworker notices them for the first time.)

Coworker: “I hate people who pretend to like things so they can look nerdy.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Coworker: “You know the one ring is gold, right, not silver? You’re just a stupid fake fangirl trying to get attention. I know so much more about Lord of the Rings than you do!”

Me: “Yes, I know the one ring is gold, in fact, my husband’s wedding ring is in gold. However, I much prefer the colour silver on my skin. Plus it matches Nenya.”

Coworker: “Who the f*** is Nenya?”

Me: “The ring of Water… Galadriel’s ring of power. It’s mentioned quite heavily in the books, but is only mentioned in the extended edition of the movie.”

Coworker: “Whatever, now you’re just making things up.”

(The next day, he comes in first thing in the morning, and this happens.)

Coworker: “So I looked it up last night. Turns out you were right about Nenya.”

Me: “Thanks, I think you owe me an apology.”

Coworker: “I owe you nothing. Just cause you can use Google doesn’t make you any less fake.”

(Lucky for me, he transferred to another department a month later. That didn’t stop him from calling me “Faker” whenever he needed me, though!)

This story is part of our Lord Of The Rings roundup!

Read the next Lord Of The Rings roundup story!

Read the Lord Of The Rings roundup!

(I’m in college and have just started working for my dad’s company for a summer job. I’ve been working there about a week when another coworker, a college student, starts work there.)

Coworker: “You have to do the [menial stuff], and I’ll supervise you. I’m in tight with [assistant HR Manager], so you have to do what I say.”

(I ignore him, and continue doing my job. He starts getting mad because I’m not doing his.)

Coworker: “Didn’t you hear me? You have to do my work while I supervise, or else I’ll call [assistant HR Manager] and say that you are lazy. He’ll believe me because we are tight.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes when [assistant HR Manager] comes down to the press area.)

Coworker: “Now you’re in trouble!  I’ll tell him how much you’ve been slacking off, and he’ll fire you!”

(My coworker starts walking to [assistant HR Manager], puts his hand out, and calls him by name. However, the assistant HR manager ignores him and shakes my hand instead.)

Assistant HR Manager: *to me* “How’s work? Are there any problems or anything I can do for you?”

Coworker: *dumbfounded* “What is going on? How do YOU know him?”

Me: “Didn’t you know? My dad is his boss.”

(As soon as he heard this, my coworker shut up, left early, and never came back!)

(I arrive for my shift, which starts very late at night. My coworker is a notorious party guy and seems high and jittery.)

Me: “Hi, [coworker]. Are you okay?”

Coworker: “Fine! I’m fine! How are you!” *moves rapidly*

Me: “Okay…”

(I go to the back office, where I find a full dozen of empty beer bottles lying around. They’ve obviously just have been drunk, the smell is strong. My coworker comes in the room, swaying.)

Coworker: “What’s upppppp!”

Me: “Did you… did you just drink all these beer?”

Coworker: *laughs hysterically* “Nooooo! Maybe. A little.” *laughs hysterically and dances*

(I report his drinking on the job to my manager, who suspended him. I had to quit later because I moved, but I later learned he had been promoted to manager!)