Me: “Have you removed those old reports?”

Coworker: “I tried, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Alright, let me see. Click ‘Reports.'”

Coworker: *clicks the ‘Search’ button*

Me: “No, I said click ‘Reports.’ Not search.”

Coworker: “But this is how I do it.”

(My coworker continues to do it with the old way, which doesn’t work.)

Me: “Go back to the start, and click ‘Reports.'”

Coworker: *clicks ‘Search’ again*

Me: “NO! I said ‘Reports!’ Not ‘Search!’ Start again.”

Coworker: *finally clicks ‘Reports’*

Me: “Third time’s the charm!”

(My coworker is getting an extra side of sauce for a customer. However, she manages to grab the only metal dressing cup we have, fills it with the sauce, and then places it in the microwave. Thankfully, I catch her before she presses the start button.)

Me: “STOP!”

Coworker: *still pressing buttons* “What?”

Me: “Stop! Don’t put that in there!”

Coworker: “What? Why?”

Me: “That’s a metal cup!”

(She opens the microwave and looks at the cup.)

Coworker: “Oh!” *laughs* “This is why I can’t use the microwave at home!”

(It’s very slow at work, so I goof around by pointing my hand at the clock and pretending to move it like a sorcerer.)

Coworker: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Trying to make time go faster.”

Coworker: *completely serious* “Can you actually do that?!”

Me: “…No. I was joking.”

Coworker: “If you could actually do that, that’d come in handy!”

(I work back in the meat counter and have several coworkers around. One is washing dishes, but three others are standing in the corner loudly goofing off. The coworker washing dishes is another part-time employee like myself, while the coworkers goofing off are full-time employees. I walk out of the cooler and notice a customer at the counter who doesn’t appear to have been helped yet.)

Me: “Sir, is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “No, thank you.”

(The customer smiles and gestures towards my coworker washing dishes.)

Customer: “He already asked once. I have to say you two have been the politest guys back here.”

Me: “We do try. Let us know if you need anything.”

(I return to filling various items in the case. Suddenly, one of the full-timers notices the customer.)

Coworker: *to me* “That customer needs help! God, you guys never pay attention! You need to help the d*** customers! I don’t know why [Boss] even pays you guys!”

Customer: *to my coworker* “Excuse me? You three have been standing around goofing off and didn’t even acknowledge I was here. BOTH of these two gentlemen asked me if I needed anything and I didn’t. If [boss] shouldn’t pay someone, it’s YOU… and I will be telling him!”

(And the customer did—turns out he was my boss’s brother-in-law.)

(I’m scheduled for the matinee shift; however, I’ve overslept and am going to be a half-hour late. I call in to let them know I’m running late. Note that I’ve been working at this theater for a year at this time and know every person on the staff.)

Coworker: “Good morning, this is [Coworker’s Name]. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Could you do me a favor and tell the manager on concessions I’m going to be a half hour late?”

Coworker: “Um, okay. A half hour, you said?”

Me: “Yes, I just overslept, but I’ll be there in a half hour.”

Coworker: “Okay. And you work here?”

Me: “…Yes. Yes, I work here.”