(I am taking an otherwise typical IT call from one of our shop managers when she decides to go off on a tangent.)

Manager: “Do you guys control the CCTV cameras here?”

Me: “No, that’s handled by a separate company.”

Manager: “Oh, I see. I was just wondering if anyone is actually watching the screens all the time, because some of us get changed in here.”

(Note that she is referring to changing in the back office of the shop, rather than the designated changing area.)

Me: “Um, if it were me, I’d probably assume someone could be watching at any time and act accordingly.”

Manager: “Oh, at my age you stop worrying about those things. Let them look!”

(My coworker has invited me to go out with her and her friends for her birthday. We’re at work discussing the birthday; she’s concerned as I don’t know anybody there.)

Me: “It’s okay, I’m pretty sociable. I get along with just about everyone.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find something to talk about.”

Me: “If any of your friends are into anything geeky, we’ll be fine!”

Coworker: “…I don’t really have any geeky friends.”

Me: “There has to be someone who’s interested in comics or something. Surely someone likes Iron Man?”

Coworker: “I haven’t seen it.”

Me: “But your friends are mostly boys! Boys like stuff! And everyone has at least ONE geeky friend!”

(She and our other coworker just stare at me pointedly.)

Me: “Oh god, I’M the geeky friend, aren’t I?”

(Both nod.)

Me: *hopefully* “Disney?”

(The other rejected conversation subjects were Pokemon and Harry Potter… I’m doomed!)

(We’ve just installed a new Point of Sale system at work. It is painfully simple to operate. One of my staff members is nice but unbelievably slow and ineffective at her job. I am trying to teach her the basics of the new register while serving a customer.)

Me: “Since your customer is paying in cash, hit the ‘Cash’ button.”

Associate: *gives me a blank look*

Me: “Top left.”

Associate: *nothing*

Me: “Very top button on the left.”

Associate: *still nothing*

Me: “Put your left hand up and touch the button that says ‘Cash.'”

Associate: *continues to stare at the screen*

Me: *pointing* “That one.”

Associate: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Now, this new register has a neat function where it suggests likely forms of payment on the left, or you can just type in the amount. So, her total is $15.19 and she’s giving you $15.25. I think it’s easiest to type in 15.25, but if you want you can touch the amount on the left. It’s got exact change, $15.25, $15.50, $16.00, $20.00, the top seven amounts the register thinks is likely.”

(The associate proceeds to touch the wrong button, selecting $15.50 instead of $15.25. Naturally, this alters the amount of change the register prompts her to return.)

Me: “Okay, you hit the wrong button. Understandable, they’re really close together and touch screens are fussy. So instead of giving her 31 cents, just give her 6 cents back.”

Associate: *stares at the computer*

Me: “…Because you’re just pretending you didn’t ring that extra quarter.”

Associate: *stares at screen*

Me: “You just need to subtract twenty-five cents from what the computer is prompting, because that quarter isn’t there. So, it’s six cents.”

(The associate turns around to use the adding machine on the counter behind her. Note: she can’t use the adding machine either.)

Me: “Or, you figure the difference between 25 cents and 19 cents, which is still six cents.”

Associate: *can’t figure out how to subtract on the adding machine*

Me: “I assure you, it is 6 cents!”

Associate: *mashes buttons on adding machine*

(I look at the customer wide-eyed, give a small shrug of defeat, and hand the associate a handheld calculator.)

Me: “Here, use the calculator. It’s quicker.”

Associate: *finally figures the change and gives the customer her six cents*

Customer: *mouthing to me* “Good luck!”

(The kicker? The associate has a Master’s Degree!)

(I work at a grocery store and I get along with all my coworkers but one. Coworker #1 is a self-proclaimed ‘Social Justice Warrior’ and takes it upon herself to call anyone and everyone sexist, racist, or ablest for anything they say. Note that she is so extreme she went on a tangent how calling black grapes black was racist.)

Me: “Wow, it’s raining so bad outside right now.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, I know. I’m glad I didn’t have to walk today—”

Coworker #1: “You’re GLAD you didn’t have to walk today? Don’t you know how inconsiderate that is to say? Some people can’t walk! Ableist scum!”

Coworker #2: “Wow… well, excuse me for not wanting to waddle through the rain for a half hour.”

Coworker #1: “Your struggle is nothing compared to what other people have to deal with. Check your privilege!”

(Coworker #1 then storms away. Later that day, I see her talking to a custodian and overhear this.)

Coworker #1: “Well, I don’t see how you don’t understand how you’re being oppressed.”

Custodian: “Excuse me?”

Coworker #1: “They put you in this spot because you’re Hispanic. They’re trying to make you a stereotype so they can feel comfortable in their controlled world!”

Custodian: I’m sorry, but I applied for this job, and I’m pretty content with it. Also, I’m Hawaiian, not Hispanic.”

Coworker #1: “I’m just trying to help you! You don’t have to be so reverse-racist okay? I understand, I’m on your side!”

(The custodian gives her an odd look before attempting to go back to his job.)

Coworker #1: “I know how it feels. They’ve appropriated your culture and now you’re scorned! I can help!”

Custodian:: *ignores her*

Coworker #1: “I can’t believe this!”

(Coworker #1 storms off once again. The next day I heard she quit; apparently she said she couldn’t be in such a triggering environment.)

(At the electronics store where I work, one coworker has taken it upon himself to systematically rename every area of the store, much to the annoyance of several of us. I come back from vacation and discover he has been assigned customer service in my absence. It should also be noted that I am a HUGE Doctor Who fan.)

Me: “So, anything interesting happen?”

Coworker #1: “Not really. Oh! But I did rename the area!”

Me: “…Oh?”

Coworker #1: “Yeah. This is now called the Time Machine. Get it? Because you all can go back in time and correct mistakes with purchases!”

Me: *speechless*

(About that time, another coworker of ours, Coworker #2, who is nearby and overheard the exchange, decides to join in. Coworker #2 is normally quiet and very shy, so it’s a bit of a shock at how vehemently she suddenly speaks up.)

Coworker #2: “Excuse me, but no. It isn’t the Time Machine, it’s the TARDIS. Because the only time machine that is even worthy of being mentioned IS the TARDIS, and at least that will be ONE not lame name we’ll have in this place!”

(Coworker #2 and I have become good friends since!)