(I work as a door-to-door marketer. My coworker and I have split up, and after we’ve finished our respective sections of the neighborhood we regroup. He apparently finished before me, and is getting out of a car I do not recognize.)

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Coworker: *laughs* “I was walking by, and those kids invited me to smoke with them!”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they were just smoking a hookah and said, ‘Hey, wanna smoke with us?’ How could I resist?”

Me: “Um, well, do you know them?”

Coworker: “Well, no…”

Coworker #1: “Hey, I need to know what to do for these casseroles. Do I need to cook the pasta and stuff?”

(Note: She has known for weeks that I am preparing the casseroles ahead of time, which to most people would mean that I am going to cook the pasta.)

Me: “No, I took care of that already, like we talked about. You just need to pop them in the oven at 425 degrees until the cheese on top melts. It shouldn’t take too long.”

Coworker #1: “But what does that mean? I don’t understand!”

Me: “Just melt the cheese on them. Just take the tops off the pans and put the pans in the oven. At 425 degrees. It will be really hard to mess up.”

Coworker #1: “I can’t do this! It’s too much! It’s too much work! And my foot hurts so I can’t be messing with an oven!”

Me: “Okay. Well, I don’t really see how your foot plays into this, but it’s really not much work. You are just putting a few pans in the oven and taking them out when the cheese is melted.”

Coworker #1: “I don’t know how to do that! I don’t know how to cook! Ovens are scary!”

(Coworker #2 has overheard the conversation and speaks up.)

Coworker #2: *to Coworker #1* “Um, didn’t you go to culinary school before this job? In, like, Italy?”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, so? They don’t teach you how to use OVENS!”

(My boss and I are discussing the Ides of March, which is a few days away. A not-too-bright coworker is listening in.)

Boss: “I’d better be careful. I don’t want to get killed here at work.”

Me: “Oh, I think you’ll be fine.”

Coworker: “What are you guys talking about?”

Boss: “You know, Ides of March, from Julius Caesar?”

(Our coworker looks at my boss blankly for a moment, and then waves her hand dismissively.)

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t keep up on current events.”

Boss: *laughs* “Uh, this happened a long, LONG time ago.”

Coworker: “Oh, I thought he was a rapper or something!”

(I work in a factory in IT support.)

Me: “Help Desk, how can I help you?”

Worker: “Yeah… uh, the printer isn’t working on [assembly line].”

Me: “Okay, does it have any error messages?”

Worker: “I think it’s on fire.”

Me: “It’s on… fire? Did you put the fire out?!”

Worker: “Well, no…”

Me: “PUT THE FIRE OUT!”

(At this point, I hang up the phone and run out to the printer, which at this point is completely engulfed in flames. I grab a fire extinguisher and put the fire out.)

Me: “Why didn’t you put the fire out?!”

Worker: “I didn’t think I was supposed to!”

(A nervous-looking customer comes into my work. She tells me her order and hands me the money. As soon as it is out of her hands, she takes a container of hand sanitizer out of her purse. She proceeds to squirt a liberal amount onto her hands and rub it in, all the while looking nervous and slightly embarrassed.)

Me: “Is everything all right, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. I have OCD… it’s kind of embarrassing.”

(I, myself, have a mild form of OCD so I know how she feels. I ask my coworker to double-clean the things we use to make her order. I go to take another order while my coworker hands her order to her. She proceeds to do the same thing with the sanitizer after she gets her food.)

Coworker: “Wow, lady!”

Customer: “I’m… sorry?”

Coworker: “That is really rude. Do you think I have, like, germs or something? What the h*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “This lady is acting like I’ve got an infection or something! I wash my hands just like everyone else!”

Me: “Hey [Coworker], she has OCD. She can’t help it.”

(The lady is looking seriously freaked at this point. All of the customers are watching this exchange and many of my coworkers, including the manager, have come up to see what is going on. Then my coworker breaks out this lovely little comment.)

Coworker: “Then she should go back to the institution before she offends someone else!”

Manager: “[Coworker], go home. You are done.”

(My now ex-coworker was fired right after that. I wound up getting a free meal for my break, which I ate whilst sitting with my new friend, the customer with OCD.)