(I’m a stagehand setting up for a large musical. Some of the people working are very inexperienced. There’s a lull in the work. I’m sitting on a roadcase to get off my feet for a minute, and everyone has randomly arranged themselves into a semi circle facing me.)
Me: “I feel like I should make a speech! But I’m not going to.”
(They all stare at me expectantly.)
Me: “Okay! Let’s hang some lights! Do up safeties and pull shutters!”
A Small Voice: “Uh… what’s a shutter?”
Me: “Okay! I’m glad I made my speech. Let’s go do Light Anatomy 101.”
(I’m glad she asked!)
(We are coming up to Guy Fawkes Night, which many people celebrate with fireworks.)
Colleague: “I don’t believe in fireworks. You’re just setting fire to $20 and watching it go up in smoke.”
Me: “A perfectly reasonable reaction, except that you’re a pack-a-day smoker.”
This story is part of the American Independence Day 2021 roundup!
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(At the end of my undergrad, I started working at a small local coffee shop. I end up graduating a semester early and decide to work at the shop full time until the lease on my apartment is up. When I switch to full-time, I work with an older woman who isn’t quite up-to-date on her science. This happens right as we get a new light roast, so we offer light, medium, and dark.)
Coworker: “Hi guys, would you like to try our new light roast today?”
Customer #1: “No, thanks; I’d rather have the dark roast. More caffeine.”
Coworker: “Actually, lighter roasts have more caffeine than darker roasts!”
Customer #2: “Wait, really? Why?”
Coworker: “Because roasting the beans longer makes more caffeine evaporate out of the beans!”
Me: “Um… that’s not how that works.”
Highly-Trained Engineer: “What was the name of that program you told me? The one you run to get a system update?”
Me: “System Update.”
(I present the engineer with a post-it note with “System Update” written, in quotes, on it.)
Highly-Trained Engineer: “I don’t need the sticky; I should be able to remember that.”
(Out of everyone on our team, there is one man we’re almost certain is willfully ignorant. He moved to the US when he was two years old, and at the time this story took place, he was into his early thirties. In all the thirty-some years he lived in California, he never bothered to learn anything about the culture that surrounded him. It often ended in hilarity like this story. One quiet workday, when there is only a single customer in the store, and I’m chatting with a manager, the ignorant coworker shouts across several aisles:)
Coworker: “HEY, MANAGER! WHAT EXACTLY IS A ‘DOUCHE BAG’?!”
(The manager and I stare at him in shock. He has shouted so loudly the nearby customer literally dropped what she was holding and is staring at us, also shocked.)
Manager: “Err… ah…”
Me: “Are you serious?!”
(We all burst out laughing because we didn’t know how else to handle the embarrassing situation, while the ignorant coworker stood there and was utterly confused as to what was so funny. The manager later had to take the employee to the side and tell him that next time he ought to ask his random questions quietly, when he was on his break.)
