(I work in a department store, and everyone works for different brands within the store. I am the manager for a designer men’s fashion company. We also have a big-name travel company within our store, which my coworker works for. This coworker comes over to me.)

Coworker: “Hey, I’m organising a vacation for a customer you had earlier today. He bought a jumper off you?”

Me: “Okay?”

Coworker: “Yeah, the thing is, he said the jumper was faulty, so he’s asking that instead of a refund, could I just take money off the holiday?”

Me: “Well, that’s not really how it works. I’ll still have to process the refund in-store.”

Coworker: “Oh, really? Why?”

(I’m getting frustrated at this point, as I can’t see how it isn’t obvious.)

Me: “Well, I only have his word that the jumper is faulty, and I’ll need to see his proof of purchase. In what way is it faulty, anyway?”

Coworker: “It caught on fire.”

(Stunned silence.)

Me: “It… caught on fire? Just spontaneously?!”

Coworker: “Hang on. I’ll go check.”

(I stand in disbelief until the coworker comes back.)

Coworker: “He’s complaining because he went to a restaurant, and set his bag with the jumper inside down on a candle, and it caught on fire, and he wasn’t aware that would happen.”

Me: “If he doesn’t know that putting a woollen jumper on a candle will make it catch fire, I think he has bigger problems!”

(Amazingly, this went on for another 20 minutes, with my coworker pressing for me to give the guy a refund because she wanted to close the deal on the holiday! Without a doubt, the most ridiculous customer complaint I’ve ever received.)

(We have a coworker who is in the habit of playfully saying, “You’re fired,” every time someone makes a mistake. No one ever takes him seriously, since he is always smiling and laughing when he says it. That changes one day when we are training new hires.)

Coworker: “You’ll need to hold down the shift key while you make this selection so it’s a perfect square.”

(The new hire fumbles about a bit and has difficulty pressing two buttons at the same time. I can see they’re frustrated, and my coworker attempts to make a funny in order to put them at ease.)

Coworker: “You’re fired. Here. Let me take over, and I can show you again.”

(The new hire is oblivious to the second half of what my coworker has just said. They start to get a glassy look in their eyes and totally lose any color in their face. I can see that they have the first-day jitters very bad, so I step in to calm them down.)

Me: “Oh, no no no no! He was just trying to be funny! You’re not fired at all!”

New Hire: *wipes their eyes and looks at me* “You’re terrible! I quit!”

(They storm into the back room to where the time cards are and where we keep our personal belongings.)

Me: *to coworker* “I never thought that your joke would ever get that kind of reaction, but I guess you have to be more careful from now on.”

(The new hire suddenly appears behind us with a smile.)

New Hire: “Gotcha!”

(I volunteer at the Red Cross reception desk one morning each week. The job’s not very difficult; mostly I just answer the phone and direct prospective donors to the blood services section elsewhere in the building. One morning a tall, beefy guy comes loping down the hall and stops in front of my desk.)

Guy: “Well, I’m done donating blood!”

Me: “You’re a great American. Hey, do you have any money?”

Guy: “Nope, sorry.

Me: *making my voice mock-whiny* “Not even five bucks? I want to take myself out to lunch after my shift ends!”

Guy: “You’re out of luck.” *jokingly* “You’ll have to settle for a kiss.”

(He leans over the counter and kisses me on the forehead. I hear a sharp intake of breath, turn around, and see our volunteer coordinator standing behind me with a horrified expression on her face.)

Me: “Oops. [Volunteer Coordinator], I don’t think you’ve ever met my husband.”

(I’m the safety officer for my company, and have just sent two of my coworkers for an external safety course.)

Coworker #1: “So, I took that course. It was very informative. [Coworker #2], though, he just caused an incident, right after we returned.”

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker #1: “We were joking around and pretended to throw a banana peel at him, and [Coworker #2] said, ‘I wonder if these are really slippery.’ So’ he put it on the floor and stepped on it. Now he’s literally twisted his back and ankle stepping on a banana peel.”

Me: *speechless*

Coworker #1: “We work with some real geniuses, [My Name].”

(I am working the registers when the entire checkout is halted by two women screaming at each other.)

Coworker: “I can’t believe anyone would want to f*** you. You’re a whale. A fat f****** cow!”

Customer: “I’m pregnant! How could you be so mean?! I never did anything to you. I was your friend!”

Coworker: “Friend?! Ha! And honey, if you’re pregnant, then I’m the Queen of England. Now, f*** off!”

(My coworker then pushed the customer. She was actually heavily pregnant and lost her balance, tumbling hard onto the floor. My coworker then tried to walk around the counter towards the customer, but was quickly grabbed by the manager and one of the stockroom staff, who then threw her out of the shop. An ambulance was called and they took the customer away. We later learned after my coworker’s dismissal that she and the customer were friends in school, but instead of going into acting, my coworker ended up in retail, while her friend — the less popular of the two in school — went on to become a doctor. I guess one got jealous of the other’s success.)