(I work as an outside salesperson for a HVAC company. Before, however, I was a professional magician, and I often still carry some magic tricks on me. Whenever we get new coworkers, I often show off and pull brightly colored sponge balls out of people’s hair and make them multiply and vanish. One day, I walk into the dispatch area of the office that is packed with multiple dispatchers and a couple of managers talking. One of our newer dispatchers sees me and gets really excited when I walk in.)

Coworker: “[My Name]! Do you have your balls on you?!”

(Everyone bursts out laughing, and we have to put a couple of people on hold due to the volume of the laughter. My coworker realizes what she said and tries to backtrack.)

Coworker: “No, wait. I mean your magic balls!”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: *almost in tears* “Yes, I do! But thank you for making my day!”

Manager: “I need to go warn the new HR manager to be wary of any complaints about your magic balls!”

(I have a coworker that was hired a year after I was, but she is twice my age. That makes a difference with some people more than experience with the actual job. She also has a tendency to never admit when she is wrong, constantly chats with customers — by “chats” I mean she talks with them for over an hour while other people do her job for her — and simply believes she’s always right. It is a very busy day, and I am constantly helping out at the register, ringing up customers, answering questions, or helping to bag items, all in the interest of getting people checked out as quickly as possible. Some of our items are so small that we can’t put a barcode on them. When that is the case, we usually print a barcode either on a sheet of paper by the register, or on the counter at the register so we can quickly scan it and go on our way. I notice that my coworker is looking at the paper for something to scan.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], what are you looking for?”

(She doesn’t say anything, and she is hard of hearing, so I think maybe she doesn’t hear me.)

Me: “What are you looking for? I might know where it is.”

Coworker: *glares at me* “I know what I’m doing! I don’t need your help! You don’t need to hover; you’re making me flustered.”

(While she is yelling, I glance over at the customer and see what they have; it is a simple ID holder that you can fix to a lanyard. I know where that barcode is on the counter, and I also know it’s not on the sheet she’s holding.)

Me: “[Coworker]…”

(But she’s not done.)

Coworker: “I’ve worked here 30 hours a week for the past three years; I know how to find things. I worked at the 50%-off sale for eight hours. I know what I’m doing.”

(At that massive sale a year ago, I worked the exact same number of hours she did. Anyway, [Coworker] scans a barcode on the sheet of paper, but it’s obviously the wrong one, as she’s ringing up the item as $7 when it’s really 50 cents.)

Coworker: “That’s wrong.”

Me: *points down to the correct barcode* “Because that’s the right one.”

Coworker: “I’ve never seen that! How long has that been there?”

Me: “Only about five years, but hey, you said you’ve been here three years; clearly you know everything.”

(We didn’t speak the rest of the day, and I didn’t help her out at the register at all. I figured if she was so determined to yell at me for help then she could just drown on her own.)

(I work at the front desk. We’ve just gotten a delivery and a coworker comes up to collect it. She’s eating something.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]. Good apple?”

Coworker: “Potato.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “It’s a potato.”

Me: “You’re straight up eating a potato?”

Coworker: “Yeah. With salt.” *takes delivery and walks away*

(While working at a popular fast food restaurant, I am assigned to work Booth — first drive-thru window — for the shift. Booth is responsible for cleaning the lobby and bathrooms in between cars. After taking an order, I get told over the headset that there is an “emergency” in the men’s room, and head out to deal with it. On my way, I run into the manager who has just gotten on shift.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], how are you?”

Me: “Um… I think I’m going to wait to answer that until I find out what an ’emergency in the men’s room’ means.”

(A couple of my coworkers overhear this, and decide to find out themselves what that means. Just then I get a beep that another car has arrived, and head back to the booth to take the order. While I’m in there, I hear my coworkers SCREAMING in horror. Quick note about the layout of this store: the booth is in the corner of the lobby, and the hallway to the bathrooms is on the opposite corner. So, I could hear them from down the hall, around two corners, across the lobby, and through the very heavy door of my booth. After finishing with the order, I head back out, where my manager is heading towards the bathrooms with a garbage bag and roll of paper towels.)

Manager: “Go back to Booth.”

Me: “But aren’t I—”

Manager: “NO! Go back to Booth!”

(I later saw him exiting the bathrooms carrying the garbage bag, completely full of dirty paper towels. I later heard from my coworkers that it was diarrhea… all over the floor.)

(I’m chatting with some coworkers after hours.)

Coworker: “It’s funny how you can learn more than a professional. A while ago, when my brother went up in court, he managed to explain his rights to his lawyer instead of the other way around.”

Me: “Really? How’s that? A degree in law or something?”

Coworker: *laughing out loudly* “A degree in law! I should remember that one! My brother sees the prison more often than he sees a book!”