(I have just taken over handling the company’s soda machine after the previous person quit. After dealing with at least one jam per week and hearing complaints from coworkers in different departments, I decide to put a sign on the machine.)

Sign: “If the soda machine needs attention, please notify [My Name].”

Coworker #1: “The soda machine looks lonely. It needs attention.”

Coworker #2: “The soda machine needed attention so I gave it a hug.”

(I work in an office, usually from 7:30 am until 4:00 pm. It takes me about half an hour to get there by bike. A coworker, who lives further away and has different working hours, will be going out with me tomorrow to pick up work from a client. It will take at least two hours to get there, and before we can take out the work, we have to prepare it first.)

Boss: “Tomorrow, [Coworker] will try to be here as early as possible. But be prepared; you might be finished at [Client’s location] late, like four pm.”

Me: “That’s okay; I anticipated getting home late.”

Boss: “Yes, sorry. I wanted you both to leave here at 7:30 am, but [Coworker] says she might be a bit later, because otherwise she would have to get up at 6:00 am.”

Me: *sceptical* “Six am? Wow. That would be tough, eh?”

Boss: “Yup.”

Me: “I mean, I only get up at six am, like, every day I work.”

Boss: “And I am already on a bus to get here by six am.”

Me: “Pity her.”

Boss: “Yes. Pity her.”

(I was just hired with this company. The chief information officer, department lead, and a couple of teammates invite me to lunch. I am sitting there listening to the CIO grumble about his home life.)

CIO: “Yeah, my wife is complaining that we need to hire another nanny for the kids.”

Boss: “Uh… don’t you already have a nanny?”

CIO: “Yes, we have two nannies. But one is the nighttime nanny and the other is the daytime nanny, and sometimes the kids have different activities going on.”

Boss: “Uh, don’t you have like… two kids?”

CIO: “Yeah?”

Boss: “And, um, your wife is still a stay-at-home mother, right?”

CIO: “Yes?”

Boss: *blink*

CIO: “Oh, well, my wife has to go to parent meetings, and shopping, and she has a few groups… and…”

(It’s still not sinking in to the CIO what an elitist a**hole he’s being yet.)

Me: “Gosh, it must be so nice to have three nannies and have all those activities! Me, I have been raising two kids by myself the last ten years, and I work eighty hours a week… Sure wish I could afford a nanny!”

(Everyone else at the table stares at me aghast.)

CIO: “Uh, yeah… um… so…. How about [project at work]?”

(After we get back to the office, my boss says:)

Boss: “OH, MY GOD, that was the best thing I’ve ever seen. I’m still not sure the CIO got what a snob he was being, but he at least looked embarrassed for the first time ever. Good work!”

(I’m part of a special projects team. We’re assigned to work on two separate projects. The problem is, they both have their weekly meeting at the same time, one in the conference room upstairs and the other downstairs. My team is three of us, so we split two and one to cover both meetings and trade off who has to be alone. This week is my turn solo. We’re also good friends. My team lead assembled us on purpose; we all work well together.)

Coworker: “So, what was the fight with [Team Lead] about?”

Me: “What fight?”

Coworker: “Sure, I know you can’t say bad things about your boss. What happened?”

Me: “We’re fine.”

Coworker: “Then why isn’t she in here with you?”

Me: “[Team Lead] is with [Other Team Member].”

Coworker: *like he’s won a point* “Exactly!”

Me: “You know we work on [other project], too, right?”

Coworker: “Yeah. I’m not stupid.”

Me: “So, they’re in the meeting for [other project] downstairs.”

Coworker: “Exactly! They’re off together without you because you had a fight with [Team Lead].”

Me: “…”

Coworker: “See? I’m smart; I notice things. [Team Lead] picks fights with you guys every couple weeks, and by next week, she’ll be mad at [Other Team Member] and leave him all alone!”

(I debate trying to explain that you cannot divide three people evenly into two locations, and then give up.)

Me: “You’re right. Don’t tell anyone else. [Team Lead]… drinks green tea. I couldn’t be around that. Black tea is the only true tea.”

Coworker: *nods, winks, actually lays a finger alongside his nose* “I getcha.”

(I told my team at lunch break and they bought me a sympathy cookie for dealing with him.)

(I’m explaining to a coworker during coffee break what my pet peeves are:)

Me: “My pet peeve is when in a movie there’s an airplane tumbling out of the sky, and a child turns to their father to ask, ‘Are we going to die?’ and the dad says, ‘NO, of course not!’ Of course we’re going to die! We’re all going to die! Maybe not today, but we’re all going to die!”

Coworker: *starting to smirk* “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Statistics. Literally many billions of people have lived on this earth, and none of them have grown much older than a hundred years. Everybody dies.”

Coworker: “Statistics, you say? Well… there are currently literally billions of people alive, including you and me, and literally none of them have ever died before… so…”